(Closed) Husband said "this isn't working"

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@temporary:  It’s been my experience that family can be a touchy subject that brings out the worst in people. I would try to sit down and have a rational conversation once he has calmed down.

Post # 4
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Well that stinks. There’s a big difference between helping others and enabling someone to the point that you are actually inhibiting their maturing process. Your husband should care more about you than his brother, and especially side with you when what you say is for his benefit. If his brother takes top spot in his heart, well then he’s bloody right, it isn’t working – and it’s totally his fault.

Post # 5
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@temporary:  wow….. I would tell him that you are giving him space, and you want him to reflect on his actions when he calms down, and consider whether or not he overreacted.

 

Then I would leave him to think on things. If he thinks he was completely justified, I say eff that. If he comes to his senses and either apologizes or is interested in talking things out, I say go for that.

 

Either way, I call that flipping the fuck out.

Post # 6
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

TBH, it doesn’t sound like it is.  You wanted to hire a PI on him like a week ago, and this money problem has been going on for ages.

It might be time to get some counseling & see where you can find some middle ground and work things out.

Post # 7
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Wow. He is flipping out and needing space simply because you expressed your opinion? Holy cats! Give him some space and let him calm down. Hopefully you can have a calm conversation with him later. In th meantime, May I suggest that you engage in calming pleasant activities to soothe yourself? Perhaps visiting with a good friend, going out for a nice meal, a walk or whatever.

Post # 8
Member
7219 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@temporary:  Honey. There are a LOT of things going on in your relationship. You don’t like your husband’s best friend. You don’t like that he helps his brother. I’m not saying he’s innocent in all this, but I don’t think the “I cant do this anymore” isn’t JUST about the money issue. I think you guys aren’t communicating at ALL. I think you have totally different priorities and thoughts about what your marriage should be. Like I’ve mentioned on your other threads…. THERAPY. You need a safe, dedicated time to discuss these things. 

Post # 9
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@temporary:  Whaaaat?  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  Your SO is being a real big douche right now.  I would let him go to a hotel and do whatever he wants.  He has no right to disrespect you.  And I would not go apologizing to him over HIS bad behavior.

Is money a touchy subject?  Yes.  But if two married people can’t discuss issues without cursing someone out or staying in hotel for their opinion…that’s probably a bigger issue altogether.

And based on some of the other replies here…it seems like you guys need counseling because there’s a lot more than just one thing.

Post # 10
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

Yes, let him cool down, because everything involving family is EXTRA complicated. I had something like this happening, where my FH would give his sister money or pay for things his niece needed because his sister allegedly didn’t have the money for it. I couldn’t take it anymore so I sat with him and explained the difference bewteen not having the money, and having the money but choosing to use it for something else. Therefore, if it’s not a priority for his sister, it shouldn’t be important enough for him to have to pay it or lend the money for it. But you DO need to tip toe around the matter and handle it with care. 

 

Post # 11
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It sounds like something bigger is going on here? Why don’t you and your husband have joint accounts and a budget? I think this needs to be sorted out pronto, because money fights are the worst.  

Also, I think his relationship with his brother has nothing to do with you, and he might be coming from this angle, rather than the money angle, which he couldn’t do if you had a joint account and each had a set amount for spending money (which he could then go ahead and give to his brother if he wanted). 

Post # 12
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

….. Maybe the brother knows your husband is gay and is blackmailing him for the money?

Post # 13
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Eh, tell him he can go marry his brother instead.

Post # 14
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Here is the thing:

1. Even if you have separate accounts, you have a joint life. Any money he is taking from them that you do not agree to the usage of is money he is stealing from your life together – from his part of a future vacation or a retirement fund or a vacation home or your kid’s college or whatever.

2. He’s working longer to get money for his brother, which is time that is stolen from you. That is time with your HUSBAND that you will never get back.

3. He is placing his brother’s wants over your wants. You are his wife. You come first. If he wanted his brother to come first, he should not have gotten married. Before his family and friends and the law and possibly god, he placed you first, and now he is breaking that.

 

I am not sure you have really broken it down for him in that way. If not, you NEED to. It’s not just about the money, it’s about your future and his lack of respect for your opinions/time/vows.

 

I would seek out a good couple’s counselor, as counseling is, at this point, probably the best way to move forward. Maybe even get a financial advisor and figure out a better way to work with you guys’s money, so that if he wishes to continue giving money to his brother, it is obviously coming out of his fun money rather than anything you guys may need now or in the future. I don’t know how much he makes, but if he gets allotted $5k a month of fun money, and $4k of that goes to his brother, he may reconsider. But he’ll probably need an impartial party to break it down for him.

Post # 15
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Whatever happened with the incessant text-messaging problem?

Post # 16
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

i think you need to see someone. i think you have severe anxiety and depression and are projecting it on anything and everyone around you. I’m saying this because i have been at a place were i thought everyone was against me and was in attack mode.

 

so i would seriously be calling a counsellor right now to set up an appointment. 

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