Husband saying "I hate you checking your phone" at the table (i finished my meal

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 16
12127 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

He told you how he felt, and that it was rude and disrespectful, which it is. The problem here wasn’t on his end. 

Post # 17
1255 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Yup, it’s rude. 

Post # 18
111 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with your husband. I have asian friends and it really bothers me that they always on their phone, even during the meal or even sometimes talk to me with eyes on the phone. I mean you are with me, spend time with me talk to me not  play with your phone. 

So I kinda can feel your husband. I went on date once and I haven’t finished my food yet, he had his phone face down on the table and check like few times. That was really turn off for me. 

I don’t see the way he said ” no ” is that he controlling you, I think it is just the way he shows you how he feels, maybe he really hates it 🙂 

Post # 19
7914 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

beewedding :  I’m your husband in my relationship. I cannot even tell you how much I hate when my husband uses his phone at the table. It’s probably my number 1 pet peeve and I call him out on it every time. It pisses me off even more now that we have a kid – he’s supposed to be setting an example and focusing on family time. Unless it’s prefaced with “I’m sorry I’m waiting for an important call/text so I’m going to leave it nearby” then I don’t even want to SEE a phone during a meal time. 

Post # 20
960 posts
Busy bee

beewedding :  sorry but you were rude and it’s obvious it wasn’t the first incident. What’s the point of eating together if one is somewhere else in his/her phone connecting with someone else around the world or caring for a topic happening somewhere else and not being present to the person in front of him/her?

Post # 21
72 posts
Worker bee

I also agree that your husband was right in this. This drives me crazy when my boyfriend does this! Especially if we are out at a restaurant. I rather we sit in comfortable silence than have him mindlessly scrolling through Instagram or responding to group chats! But this seems to be the norm now. I can’t help but judge when I see tables full of people all on their phones!

Post # 22
3045 posts
Sugar bee

beewedding :  Sharing a meal has two components: the actual eating, and the conversation that follows once you’re done with the food: what we call in Spanish the sobremesa. Both are important, and many consider the sobremesa the highlight of sharing a meal. You are sadly missing the relevance of the second component.

Post # 23
2188 posts
Buzzing bee

Figure out the rhythm that works for your household. It sounds like your husband really would prefer no phones at the table. He didn’t communicate that super well. The two of you should talk about these kinds of things. Where in your relationship do you make space to have each other’s undivided attention? When the other person is doing something you dislike, how is that best communicated? 

Other bees have said it’s generally rude to be on your phone during a meal. That’s a fairly standard ettiquete rule. But, from what you said, that’s not the biggest issue here; how the two of you communicate is. It doesn’t sound like he was particularly controlling, just expressing opinions, but there may be other things in either your relationship or your history that make you jump to that being a controlling statement, and that is worth exploring as a couple.

Post # 24
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

its the other way with us and its him on his phone… its very rude and telling you that what your doing is mannerless is not controlling, really as an adult you should know its rude without being told so to still do it is deliberate disrespect.

Post # 25
864 posts
Busy bee

beewedding :  I’ve been in a job for a couple of years now where it is absolutely forbidden to look at your phone during working hours. It was strange to me at first, but I now appreciate the rule. I have a coworker who ignores the rule, and checks her phone at least twice a minute, and I wonder if I was like that at my previous jobs; maybe I wasn’t that bad, but I know I had to feel connected. It’s quite sad to watch, really. If you don’t need your phone to do your job, try leaving it in your purse while working. I think you’ll find it as liberating as I have. Now I don’t care about checking it while eating meals, driving, watching TV with my finace, etc. Sadly, smart phones have become addicting, and it’s nice to be able to not care what I might be missing out on.

Post # 26
3676 posts
Sugar bee

We have a no phones at the table rule. It’s not about you eating, its about you spending time with him and having a conversation with him.

There is a right way and a wrong way to voice your feelings. Maybe you can tell him that you understand how he feels, and that if he could say it in a more thoughtful way, it won’t give you that “he’s controlling me” reaction. Something like “it would mean a lot to me if you didn’t go on your phone at the table”.

Post # 27
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I haven’t read all the comments or replies, but I do think its slightly rude. 

Darling Husband and I don’t technically have a “no phone” rule at the table for meals but its kind of just an unspoken expectation that we spend meal time off our phones. While our phones are within reach, they aren’t right next to us when we eat. Sometimes I will finish eating before Darling Husband and I never grab my phone because I don’t want to be rude to Darling Husband. I still sit there and make conversation with him. 

Now… my husband wouldn’t flip shit on me like yours did though. The only time I go to grab my phone is if we’re talking about something and I’m looking something up for the sake of the conversation or I notice someone calling (like a family member) and just feel like I should pick it up. 

Post # 28
6619 posts
Bee Keeper

I also think phones at the table is rude. 

I also don’t think what he said was controlling. Saying you don’t like something that your partner does is NOT controlling. 

Post # 29
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Your partner should be able to tell you when he doesn’t like something. That’s not controlling. It’s strange to me that you jumped to that.

Post # 30
871 posts
Busy bee

saratiara2 :  This was my thought too. 

OP, why would you leap to ‘controlling’ with this? 

There is a difference between a partner attempting to control you and a partner expressing his feelings that he finds something you’re doing to be rude or irritating. 

Occasionally someone exhibiting questionable behaviour will label the other person controlling or a nag, when really it is their own behaviour that needs looking at. If your husband was coming home drunk or not doing his share around the house, would you consider yourself ‘controlling’ to say to him some version of ‘I’m not okay with this’? 

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