(Closed) Husband says he wants time and space

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
6952 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Based on your update this man sounds like a fucking monster. Re-read what you wrote. Do you really want to live this way for the rest of your life? Take this as a blessing in disguise and GET OUT!

Post # 47
Member
1881 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

OP, your update breaks my heart. You have been through so much. I know that you love him and want the marriage to work, but he has treated you very poorly during a very hard period in your life. He is basically treating your (completely understandable and justified) grief and pain like it’s an annoyance to him and has abandoned you when he should be trying to work through things together. I can’t imagine this relationship continuing or working out unless he returns ASAP and is on his knees begging for your forgiveness. 

Post # 48
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

Please don’t stay with this guy! And please don’t have kids with him! He sounds very unstable. He did you a favor by leaving. You can find someone else who will love you and treat you right! 

Post # 49
Member
5934 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m an older Bee, too, if that has any bearing. I don’t know why you want to be with him. That isn’t a marriage or a partnership at all. There is SO much better out there and you deserve better. I promise. Would you want to bring a child up in that environment where his dad didn’t want him? I had a friend in college whose dad reminded him often how he never wanted kids. I found my husband later in life so I know there are still good, kind ones out there!

Post # 50
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Bee no loving husband would threaten to leave you if you didn’t abort a baby. That’s terrible. Also to play with your emotions and promise you a child and then go back on that promise and then go back again? That is not right. You clearly want children and you should be with someone who wants the same thing. That’s not a minor detail that you can overlook.

As for the taking off and not responding for 3 days. He should at least respondand let you know that he’s not ready to come home yet but will let you know when he is. I mean how much time does he need? How fair is it to have you wringing your hands waiting  for him to respond or come back? Not contact for 3 days is just not right.

Post # 51
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Oh bee, love yourself. If your little girl were going through this, what advice would you give her? Stay strong…

Post # 52
Member
3067 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
anon073111 :  Honestly I don’t know why you want to be with someone like him

Post # 53
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Leave this asshole for someone who is not an abandoner and for someone who shares the same life goals of having children with you. This guy sounds like such an emotional abuser I can’t even begin!!! GET OUT NOW! go speak to an attorney and get the papers and leave him! You’ll be happier in the long run without this monster 

Post # 54
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

It’s a bit cowardly not to talk in person and I’m sure this message must have come as a shock for you! My first thought was that the message was meant in love and only as an afterthought did I start to nit pick at all the different lines. If you can maybe take your time to think as well about how to go forward. Sorry this has happened to you. 

Post # 55
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so sorry, Bee 🙁 

When I first read your post, I thought it did seem just a temporary thing, too.  Not really handled well on his part, but I could see some reassurances in it and myself thinking there was more to it and maybe you two having space was a good thing, etc.

With your update, I actually think the space might be really good for you.  I’d personally suggest taking this time and evaluating what you think of your relationship.  

I’d also be practical, take some money out and keep it for yourself as an “in case” fund.  I’d also screenshot/save that text as proof of him leaving, etc.  I feel a bit like he’s been considering leaving for a long time – he’s already talked to divorce lawyers previously.  He could just be gearing up to set things in motion and you need to take his leaving as a sign that you need to be prepared.

To me, the actual text message itself isn’t exactly a clear “we’re over” message…but him leaving and not getting back to you with even a quick reply or an end date can tell you a lot more about what message he’s trying to send you. 🙁 

Post # 56
Member
2129 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
anon073111 :  Wow! I’m pretty sure he’s done what many married people may have thought of doing but didn’t because they realize the possible repurcussions. I think I would start packing his clothes while he’s MIA. I would make an appointment with a therapist that specializes in marriage and talk it over with him/her to help with self reflection &  next steps. Keep us posted Bee.

I just went back and realized you updated with more background info…He sounds insane! Wth?

Post # 57
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

Your husband sounds awful. Did you two talk about wanting kids prior to the late period episode? Did he make you believe he wanted kids? I’m just trying to figure out why he keeps flip flopping (not blaming you) but regardless, at this point, it doesn’t matter whether or not you two had an agreement about kids. The fact is he led you to believe in 2014 that he wanted to raise a family with you and in 2016, threatened you with divorce if you didn’t abort. That’s cruel. He clearly has some real problems which has nothing to do with his mental disorders. A person can still be an asshole and suffer from plenty of mental health disorders. He’s a plain asshole. He led you on.

I just can’t fathom how anyone can just pretend that everything is okay only to just leave and send a cowardly text. YOU do not have problems, he does. He couldn’t even tell you what was bugging him instead ran away and put the blame on you. WHY would you want to stay with him? Why should YOU try to become the wife he always wanted when you’ve been trying. HE has not. Change the locks, meet with a lawyer and divorce him. I don’t care how old you are, you can find someone so much better. 

Post # 58
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

He wants out permanently, but change is difficult, and he wants to test the waters by giving you some bullshit story about time and space. Tell him to watch the movie Gravity.

You will find out soon enough if there is another girl. Don’t be a doormat. When you talk to him again tell him this isn’t what you got married for.

The only counseling you should get is for yourself only, if you feel you need it to detach from him emotionally. No amount of counseling is going to change him.

Post # 59
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A restaurant on the beach

If it were me I’d be taking this time to show him that I can have a life without him. Go out with friends, have some fun, visit a spa, get a makeover. When he comes home (and he will eventually come home, even if its to deliver divorce papers) make him see what he’s losing. Make him realize that you are capable of having a fun fufilling life without him. Don’t let him win! 

Post # 60
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Breaks my heart that you can’t seem to see just how awful he is. He sounds like a liar, immature, emotionally abusive and unstable. 

 

Just because you’re “late to the game” doesn’t mean you need to settle for this crap. You deserve so much more. You are worthy of true, kind love. 

 

 

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