- 3 years ago
- Wedding: August 2017
I’m having trouble and don’t know who/how to talk about it. We’ve been married for 6 months, living together for a year and I’ve just kept waiting for our sex life to get better. I keep vowing to make changes, to fix things by wearing lingerie, going to bed earlier, trying to be better somehow but not knowing how. I blame myself, I guess.
We have really mediocre sex — maybe 2x a week, I rarely orgasm, and he sometimes doesn’t either. I want to make it fun and more casual and sometimes try to talk or tease but he thinks it’s distracting. He always keeps his eyes closed, which I think doesn’t help. I asked him to look at me a few times but he says it’s hard to concentrate if he does. We are always in the same three positions and it can be really boring too.
I had thought that more sex would be the solution, like if we started having sex every other day I would feel more comfortable, he would feel more comfortable, and it would be more of a normal thing. But I’ve asked for that a whole bunch of times and he disagrees — he says it’s like filet mignon, you can’t have filet mignon every night or then it would just be whatever steak, nothing special.
But last night I asked him some more general questions (after stopping midway through sex and giving up after not having slept together for 2 weeks) and he told me that “sex is not a priority.” He said “it’s just like going to the gym, just something primal.” He said “what matters to me is our intellectual connection, how we talk about ideas, not sex.” He’s a professor so he’s very theoretical, intellectual, or at least he likes to think of himself as a real intellectual. I also have a PhD but somehow it doesn’t affect me like that. (He’s 33 and I’m 32, for reference). I don’t see myself as above sex at all, I love sex. Then he said my issues with sex are my problem and it’s just not a priority for him so I should basically sort it out on my own. I asked him about reading the kama sutra together (I ordered a copy) or trying other things, and he said he didn’t want to “study,” and that sex is just a primal thing.
I don’t know how I can make sex more of a priority for him or just give up. He may just never have had good sex either — like I suspect he has never gone down on a woman (certainly not on me) and he doesn’t seem all that experienced or adventurous. Like maybe if we tried new things or looked at each other in the eyes or if he brought me to an amazing orgasm, maybe he’d see that sex isn’t just like going to the gym, that it can be amazing.
Then I feel bad because my only frame of reference is my ex-boyfriends, especially one, and we just had amazing, intimate, athletic sex all the time. I just miss good sex so much and I was hoping I could have it with my husband or, if we weren’t having good sex, that he would at least be open to making our sex life better.
So I don’t know what to do — I can’t push him to help us improve our sex life because then he thinks I’m unsatisfied and it’s my problem because he’s just fine with things the way they are. But if I’m not happy (and having like one mediocre orgasm a month, if that), then it’s both of our problems right?
The experiment: I had the idea to do a 7-days no sex or sex everyday experiment. I thought if we just agreed to either have sex every day for 7 days or if we agreed to have no sex at all for 7 days, then we would take the pressure off. He is very resistant to either idea, especially agreeing to have sex every day. It doesn’t sound like the most pleasant thing ever but I thought it would take the burden of decision making off of us and we would get more comfortable with one another. He didn’t want to do that so I told him that we’re not going to have sex at all or talk about sex for 7 days to take the pressure off (I’m getting my period in a couple of days too so it isn’t much of a sacrifice lol).
Maybe that will help? Do you have thoughts?