Husband says sex is not "priority," intellectual union more, and 7-day experimen

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
757 posts
Busy bee

My fiancée likes to space it out too. He says it’s so much better when we wait a few days in between. We’ve been doing every other day for months but the other day he said he can’t keep up with me. Some guys are just like this. But he’s extremely adventurous and athletic and it’s aleays really good. So idk what to say if your husband isn’t adventurous and doesn’t see it as a huge priority. My experience has been that you can’t change these aspects too much about a person. It’s just how he is. But he should be very concerned about your feelings. His attitude that it’s your problem not his is pretty messed up. It should be something you figure out together. Does he have ED or low T or something like that?

Post # 3
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2000

First off 🤗 hugs!

 I am a nurse so I immediately think of medical conditions that could cause lack of sex drive.

if there is no medical condition I would definitely have his testosterone checked to see is it is low and an overall physical whith blood work and make sure the doctor knows the reason for the visit 😉

if all else fails remember doctor Joyce I believe her name was the the lil old lady who was the sex therapist she was a crack up but very informative find a sex therapist they are out there !

last please don’t feel embarrassed or alone in this because soooo many others go through this..

sending hugs again!!!

Post # 4
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Maybe he’s asexual or demisexual.

I feel like he’s some sort of demisexual due to this sentence: 

“what matters to me is our intellectual connection, how we talk about ideas, not sex.”

Could it be possible he needs to engage in strong intellectual connection to be sexual with you? I would try that. I know with my ex, when we had intense discussions about topics we were interested in, it was like an aphrodisiac. 

Post # 6
Member
8395 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

2x a week is pretty normal, definitely NOT on the low end. You might just have a very high drive and him a lower drive. I was thinking the samet hing as 

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ohana33 :  with him enjoying intellectual conversation. You flat out said you don’t care about anything he wants to talk about – that’s not a great start! Not everyone wants lingere and lapdances. If you’re willing to explore that, why not this?

Post # 7
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2000

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rosebuddy :  no it is on the normal end the part that made me concerned was the part the he doesn’t always finish and when you tried after 2 weeks he couldn’t finish ..

not to be asking for tmi but is it that he can’t ejaculate or does he loose his erection?

I forgot to add he needs to realize that while he likes the emotional intellectual aspect of your relationship you need a physical side .

 

Post # 10
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

honestly, it sounds like a cop out to me by saying sex is ‘like the gym’ and ‘primal’. 

First off, going to the gym/excercising should be a priority for every man woman and child. Diabetes and obesity is an EPIDEMIC. And getting your 150 mins a week is important. Yes, it IS primal. The human body is a machine meant to be used not sitting around in front of a computer all day. 

There, rant over. Sorry Im going to school to be a personal trainer and that kind of thinking is just..hard to swallow. *phew*

Now, back to the issue.

Reading this reminds me of why I needed to test out my fi before I agreed to go steady with him over 2.5 years ago because sex is a priority and should be a priority, especially for you where it is so important. 

Every thing coming out of your husbands mouth is an excuse. If he loves you and is committed to you, he should be willing to try anything and everything to make you happy. Here you are with suggestions trying to make things work and hes closing his eyes? Give me a break. 

I think sex counseling is in order. This is not a one way street. If he doesnt get it together it sounds like this is absolutely a standard for you that isnt being met. 

You have a right to be happy Bee! We only have one life to live. If sex is important to you and he isnt willing to make changes, what else can you do? You cant MAKE him have sex with you, right? Its Ok for him to be asexual or whatever people want to call it, that’s fine. But if it doesnt work for YOU, that’s what you have to decide. Where is the line in the sand? 

Good luck Bee. 

Post # 11
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2000

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rosebuddy :  ok yeah I was thinking he couldn’t finish..

yes condoms can definitely be a buzz kill maybe another type of birth control?

Post # 12
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I would not say that 2x a week constitutes a low sex drive, certainly nothing that requires medical attention. To me the biggest problem in your post is this:

“Then he said my issues with sex are my problem and it’s just not a priority for him so I should basically sort it out on my own.”

This is a terrible attitude to have in a marriage. You’ve thrown out so many suggestions of how to improve your sex life and he’s unwilling to consider a single one, to bend even a little. I think you need to have another talk with him and explain to him that this sex issue is affecting your happiness in the marriage. I mean think about it – if he came to you and told you he wishes you guys had more intellectual conversations, would you be willing to work on that to make him happy, even if it’s not something that was important to you? I would hope so. That’s what marriage is about – compromising and doing what you can within reason to make your partner happy.

If he still doesn’t get it at this point, then I would recommend counseling. Your resentment is only going to grow the longer this goes on with him refusing to make even the tiniest effort to meet you in the middle. It’s super common for couples to have unequal sex drives and this can be overcome, but not if one partner refuses to do anything about it.

Post # 13
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

Being sexually unsatisfied sucks. I’m sorry.

Your sex life with your husband has always been like this? Or did it change at some point (after marriage, or after some life event, out of the blue)?

Post # 14
Member
5117 posts
Bee Keeper

Did you have sex before marriage? Did things change? 

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meliamartinez31 :   That was actually Dr. Ruth Westheimer. She was a hoot!

Post # 15
Member
6932 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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rosebuddy :  Okay the mediocre sex I get as an actual problem, but are you saying that you think him only wanting sex 2x a week is adnormal and means a low sex drive? 2x a week is nothing to frown at. I’d actually say that’s a pretty normal drive. Do you just have a super high sex drive? 

How long have you two been together? Has it always been like this?

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