Post # 16
My friends were like this. She had a high sex drive, he had a lower one, and they just connected and got turned on in different ways. They went to a sex therapist (a couple actually, it took some tries to find one they liked). It made a world of difference! Its still something they work on, but at least they are both happier and more satisfied!
Does he come from a very religious background? I don’t know why but something in the way he is approaching it makes it seem like maybe he came from a more religious background and that he’s not used to discussing this in an open way
Post # 17
YA sex is primal and we’re all animals!
Your post is concerning. Your husband has never gone down on you?! Or anyone??? At 33?
I’m not saying he’s wrong for not wanting sex often or at all, but this is something that I’d think would have been noticed long before getting married. I mean, aside from the sexual incompatibility, he’s not even willing to work with you on this or compromise in any way. What kind of marrige is that?
Don’t just give up on this. This is the rest of your life. You NEED and deserve sexual satisfaction. I think this issue warrants a ‘Come to Jesus’ conversation, and if he’s still disinterested in trying well..you would be wise to reevaluate where this relationship is going.
Post # 18
rosebuddy : the two of you don’t sound sexually compatible. and the line about being a professor and thus not super interested in sex is just a load of BS. I’m a professor of Philosophy (so about as intellecutal as they come) and the whole department is a bunch of horny f*cks.
he might have a low sex drive, or even be asexual. whichever it is, what is more concerning that the lack of sexual interest is his complete and utter lack of concern for how YOU feel. the fact that he said your interest in sex is “your problem” tells me that he doesn’t give a shit about you. he doesnt care how you feel, or care to be a partner to you to work on issues in yor relationship. this is so much more than about sex – this is a general attitude of partnership and caring.
get out now, while it’s still easy.
Post # 19
tiffanybruiser : That’s a reall good point — I do try to be a good listener when he talks about his research. He’s even sent me papers to read and I’ve tried to read them even though I can’t understand the math at all (and, honestly, am not going to learn how). I wrote a book in January that he hasn’t read yet 🙁 He says he will, though. It’s not a very long book, but I’m not going to bother him about it.
llevinso : We were together for 5 years from 21-26, broke up until 31, then got engaged in a few weeks and married the next year. It was a very romantic story. It’s a little bit of the problem though because I have had a bunch of different sexual experiences that are hard to me to refer to because he’ll know it wasn’t with him. Also, I don’t think he had much sex at all in those 5 years we were broken up (although I did find condoms when I moved in lol!).
pinkglasses : It was kind of always like this, I just didn’t realize it was “normal” for us. I always thought that it was temporary, like until we move into a new apartment, until we get a new bed, until we did X, then we will have good sex.
Post # 20
sunburn : omg ! Thank you 🙏 I couldn’t for the life if me remember her name heeheeeheee and she was a hoot I loved ved watching her 😉
Post # 21
kimmykat024 : Good thinking but no, not religious at all. He doesn’t believe in God at all, which is fine I guess. I do.
aybeecee : I know, it’s weird about going down thing. Like do I just ask him if he’s ever done it? Or has interest? It’s seriously never come up. That’s why I bought the kamu sutra because I thought we could talk about it in the abstract — like, oh, this might be fun, when we see a picture. He’s never offered for me or signalled any interest so I’m assuming that he hasn’t? I don’t know. I also am not that crazy about it but when my last boyfriend convinced me to let him, omg it was amazing.
catskillsinjune : Hahah, I know, I never thought of intellectuals as prudes either but maybe that’s how it is over in the math department lol. I’d take it easy on the “get out now” stuff because I really do love him and we have a great relationship. It’s just the sex can be so cold and I don’t feel comfortable at all. I was always thinking it was a “I don’t feel comfortable yet” thing and waited for us to get settled, for us to change, but it never happened.
One other thing that worried me a lot from last night was when he said “You’re just never satisfied. You’re never happy. How can we have kids if you’re never satisfied?” I was really upset when he said that and told him it felt like a threat. I interpreted it like “If you aren’t happy, then we shouldn’t have kids. So, if you kids, you need to be happy (or fake it and don’t give me any flak).”
I told him it sounded like a threat but he said it was just the truth. That made me feel like I was both unhappy about sex but also unable to express it because, if I showed that I was unhappy, we shouldn’t have kids. That was bad.
Post # 22
rosebuddy : Well since it’s basically always been this way, I’d say this is his normal. Your sex drives just seem to be different. The problem here is that he doesn’t see anything wrong with the way it is now and you do. Does he know how unsatisfied you feel?
My best friend sort of went through this with her husband (although reversed). They ended up going to a sex therapist and it helped them immensely. Have you brought this idea up to him?
ETA: Do you try talking to him during sex? Like, when he starts doing something you like, do you tell him? Or suggest things in the moment? My husband and I are very vocal during sex. And I don’t mean just shouting “oh my god!” or anything. I mean we say things like “yes, that feels great,” “over to the left a little,” “no that hurts, let’s switch positions.”
Post # 23
rosebuddy : You’re just never satisfied. You’re never happy. How can we have kids if you’re never satisfied?”
Tell him this is a huge cop-out. You’re unhappy about one specific thing, and you’ve proposed multiple possible solutions, but he’s rejecting every single one. It’s bullshit for him to accuse you of being chronically unhappy when he refuses to lift a finger to do the one thing that could improve your happiness.
ETA: The more I think about this comment, the more infuriated I become. He’s basically manipulating you into silence over this issue by holding your hypothetical future kids hostage. I wouldn’t take the bait. You should be like, “You’re right, I’m not happy and it would be a mistake to have kids before we solve this issue. Where you’re wrong is in telling me this is entirely my problem that I need to deal with on my own. It doesnt work like that in marriage. So are you willing to work with me on this? Because if not, I agree with you that the prospect doesn’t look good.”
Post # 24
I’m sorry but there is nothing romantic about breaking up for 4 years and then getting engaged only a few weeks after ‘rekindling’.
The other posters are right and 2x a week is generally in line with normal. While it might not be normal or acceptable for you it’s definitely not so low that a doctor should be involved.
The quality on the other hand is your main issue. You have offered up a lot of suggestions so I think now your 2 options are to basically give him an ultimatum or accept that this is it.
Post # 25
rosebuddy : “One other thing that worried me a lot from last night was when he said “You’re just never satisfied. You’re never happy. How can we have kids if you’re never satisfied?””
Was he saying this about SEX? Or about you never being satisfied with anything? Because if it was about you never being satisfied with sex, well based on your post here that seems to be true (not saying you should be satisfied, just saying I could see how he would feel like no matter what he’s doing it’s not good enough). If he meant in general, that’s upsetting and deserves much further discussion about how saying that is not okay. If there are specific issues you two need to work on or that’s upsetting him, that’s fine and you two need to discuss it. But to make blanket statements that you are never satisfied doesn’t help with anything and just makes it seem like this is all your problem.
Post # 26
He then said my issues with sex are my problem and it’s just not a priority for him so I should basically sort it out on my own.
That, Bee, is the core of the problem. That statement speaks volumes about who this guy is. Sex is not something you can just sort out on your own. He’s a math professor, surely, he is aware that the sex act requires two people. (At the minimum.)
I would wager good money that this guy has absolutely no interest in changing anything about himself. He sees the problem as exclusively yours.
If you can get him to a therapist, sex or otherwise, I would be very surprised. Expect him to intellectualize and and get very little out of it.
Your differences in drives are not the issue here. That’s workable in an otherwise healthy relationship. The issue here is his callous disregard for your feelings and his utter refusal to take any responsibility for the problems you’re having.
Eventually, the resentments are just going to pile up.
Sorry, Bee. I just can’t feel optimistic about this guy.
I would not run your seven day experiment. I suspect you’ll just end up feeling worse.
The you’re never happy stuff is another way to make you the source of all problems and again, deflect responsibility away from himself. If you are unhappy, that’s something that healthy couples work on together, as a team.
Post # 27
Two times a week is not low and I would be grateful for that. I wish my husband and I had sex that often.
We’ve been married almost six months. Intercourse happens maybe once or twice a month for us. I know he masturbates on days I am busy working (about two days a week I have to work 16 hours a day—double shift). Then he asks for a blowjob a lot, which now I am not so accommodating since intercourse or reciprocation doesn’t happen when I give him one. I’ll give him one maybe once or twice a month lately.
It’s not the married life I envisioned.
Post # 28
Having different sex drives or style can be compromised to a happy “ending”. However him telling you to sort it out yourself is concerning as he very much has a huge part in it.
My current fiancee had this phase where he just didn’t have a drive but it’s been sorted now. We don’t have the same drive even to this day but we both talk about it and make it work for us, which your husband should be doing as well. My fiancee puts emotional and intellectual bonding higher than sex.
I suspect he may be asexual to be honest. Does he ever initiate sex or just goes along with what you want? No matter what, I would highly suggest either couples therapy or sex therapy. He needs to understand how important this is to you and he may not see the importance yet. Majority of sexless marriages end in divorce and affairs and it happens more because lack of communication and understanding.
Post # 29
llevinso : The talking would help I think. He has told me he doesn’t like noise that much because it’s distracting but I need to be more courageous and speak up. I’ve asked him to be more expressive in the past, too, and he has tried. I told him once, “I can’t even tell if you like me going down on you or if you’re bored!” Then he definitely came through with the moaning 🙂 So maybe next time, I’ll say “that’s great” or “let me close my legs” or something like that. I can do that. Maybe that will help.
tiffanybruiser : He’s basically manipulating you into silence over this issue by holding your hypothetical future kids hostage. I wouldn’t take the bait.
Well said. I just love our marriage and him so would never think of saying the “prospect doesn’t look good” because I do want to have children and he would be a great father, etc. etc. I just don’t think it’s fair that he wants to have everything be peachy-keen before we started trying because that will never happen. I’m very nervous about waiting, both because I’m eager to have babies and because I’m going to be 33 in February and don’t see any legitimate reasons to wait. He procrastinates and keeps putting it off. I’d like to have 3 children and see that being a problem down the line. I’m very worried about that too.
I get where he’s coming from though — I also would like to build the foundation of good, caring, satisfying sex before we have babies. It would help but I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.
zzar45 : Thanks for seeing it as a lot of suggestions — I think I need more suggestions though. So far, all I’ve done is buy the Kama Sutra and ask if he’d like to read it with me or look at the pictures (no, he does not). Ask him to open his eyes (no). Ask him to have more sex (not really). And now ask him about my whacky experiment thing of 7 days of sex or no-sex (doesn’t like it, but is open).
Post # 30
rosebuddy : I understand why you’re eager to start trying, but I really wouldn’t do that until/unless you get this issue resolved. This is a huge problem bee and the way your husband is responding – by telling you it’s your own issue and you better get over it on your own, and then manipulating you by threatening not to TTC – is extremely concerning about how he views marriage in general.
Seriously, don’t let him manipulate you over TTC. You need to listen to your brain, not your heart right now. Having a child with a man who is this selfish is a recipe for disaster.
I just don’t think it’s fair that he wants to have everything be peachy-keen before we started trying because that will never happen.
Honestly, in my opinion everything should more or less be “peachy keen” at least in your relationship with your husband before you bring children into the mix. Not only are things not peachy keen now, but your husband is refusing to take even the tiniest step toward improving things. You think your sex life is suffering now? Imagine throwing a newborn into the mix. Your problems and your resentment aren’t going to magically disappear because you have a child with this guy.