Husband says sex is not "priority," intellectual union more, and 7-day experimen

posted 1 year ago in Intimacy
Post # 46
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not sure I understand what you want to achieve with this experience. You said you hadn’t had sex in 2 weeks so 7 days without it is common. I can see that it will make you feel better since he can’t reject you when you initiate. I can kind of get behind the 7 days is sex every day. There was an experiment about sex for 30 days and it brought couples closer.

But I feel like you don’t have a sex issue in a way, i feel liek its him not caring abkut your satisfsction. Your sex life has been similar the whole time (?) So it hasn’t changed. He is happy with your sex life. He gets laid when he wants to and he doesn’t have to put in any effort. To me it sounds like a selfish lover that doesn’t care about your satisfaction. For him sex it is just emtying sack when feeling like it. For you it is much more. In order to be in this relationship I feel like he should compromise a little since it would require minimal effort.

Post # 47
Member
4838 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Your 7 day expirement , like I mentioned before, is a bad idea and will backfire. You’re complaining about having sex 2x a week, and now he’s going to choose the no sex for 7 days, and will tell you that works better for him. The sex won’t improve (it can’t magically ) and now you’re going to be down to sex once a week, even longer in between. Sex therapy ASAP for both of you. 

Post # 48
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

It clearly just sounds like a case of he does not have the same sex drive as you which is really unfortunate and I understnad whole heartedly. 

If he refuses counseling together or even just understand your needs, have you thought about open relationship? If he dioesn’t want to change things or accmmodate your desires, then this way you can at least get what you need without hurting the relationship but not everyone is open to the idea. 

Post # 49
Member
709 posts
Busy bee

He doesn’t go down on you nor do you think he’s ever gone down on ANYONE??? You lost me there. I almost have to beat my husband away with a bat to get his face out of my nether regions. I haven’t been with very many men and have been with my husband for 5 years so I just assumed that’s what most men were like… I have the opposite problem as you though. My husband is the one with the very high sex drive – we have sex every day just about. I would say 5-7 days a week we have sex. But my sex drive is lower, I think I’d be fine with 1 or 2 times per week. However we have an “agreement” because he realizes it’s a lot to ask for sex every day. Most of the time (unless I’m horny too) he will “warm it up” in the shower and then I will finish him off. That way we’re not spending a long time having sex when I’m not really in the mood. Or since I love getting massages he will give me a nice long back rub in exchange for sex. This works for us because he is sexually satisfied and I get multiple massages per week. I encourage you to find some sort of agreement like this because you don’t want him to feel like sex is a chore because then he may start dreading it. 

Post # 50
Member
6810 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

thiebaud2018 :  I get that you want a plan. You feel this is something you can “fix” with reading magazines or wearing lingerie or doing this experiment… But the actual problem is you have a spouse that doesn’t care. He thinks this is your problem. So you can work and work and work at it, but if he’s not willing to put in any effort, it will all be for nothing. He’s not working as your teammate here. He’s only caring about himself. 

Post # 51
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I find it so weird that you think he hasn’t ever gone down on anyone and you don’t feel comfortable to ask him. You’re married to him, you should be able to have open discussions about sex with him. Not that you want details, but just asking hey I’m interested in your doing oral on me. Have you ever done it before, want to try? He seems a bit selfish. I’m intellectual, so is my husband. We’re very technical and literal as well. We are not selfish though. Saying sex is just an urge so he can ignore your needs and not try to have a healthy sex life with you is bullshit.

Post # 52
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

Ok so this post just makes me straight up mad for you Bee… but anyways…

So overall I agree with a lot of the other opinions on here but have a slightly different take on one bit. So I also have an advanced degree in chemistry and so bits of you describing your husband sound a bit like what I went through to a point. I think a lot of people naturally drawn to the math and sciences (not all so please don’t bite my head off bees) feel if something is worth doing it’s only worth trying to be the best at. It can be good in a high stress lab environment but it can negatively effect you in other ways. I felt that if I could do such high level chemistry/physics then why Was giving good oral so Fing hard (haha pun not intended but amusing) . I was so in my own head it was really hard to just have sex. It became an esteem thing like I would mentally chastise myself when I would get a position wrong or make us lose the mood etc. I would research everything (because that’s how my brain works) sure I would discover the “magic” answer. But in the moment I would do something “wrong” and feel defeated like this thing was beyond my ability and just give up. I didn’t want to do something if I couldn’t be good at it. And this is not something book learning can really “teach” you so I was way out of my element. I have the same attitude towards most sports I am not naturally inclined so it feels impossible, and sex is a very physical thing. Now obviously this wasn’t a conscious thought pattern at the time but looking back it was clear. 

I wonder if he has these views on sex as a mental Defense. He doesn’t feel “good” at it so his brain has decided it just a “primal” thing. AKA something that there is no ability to consciously control. The problem with looking at it this way was is that that means as soon as he loses that “primal passion” he doesn’t still want to try. Much like me it feels like an exercise that he can’t  make right which won’t work for his brain so he classifys it as something he has no control of. WRONG! I think I got over it to a certain extent with my current SO when he said jokingly in bed HEy that “trial” failed we will just have to try position 1b. He took some of the pressure off and made it a dynamic (semi) intellectual experience but also partly got me out of my own head. But that’s where our stories differ because we both wanted to find amazing sex I just took awhile to understand why my brain was trying to sabotage it. 

If I were you ditch the experiment and ditch Cosmo and the Kama Sutra, I doubt he will respect their take on sex. Try Bonk by Mary Roach, it is very scientific about sex and had tons of “experts” but it also talks about how sex or lack there of can be bad for a relationship. I think you have tryed to be supportive and gentle and partners so I would be inclined to be less than friendly at this point. If it were me I would tell him that I have had amazing sex before and the lack of it now is really because of him (you at least are trying)  That he need to experiment and develop more skill, that he is not the type of person to be average and you are not ok with this dynamic. He’s a professor so go in with the statistics Divorace rates go up by X due to a disappointing sex life, affairs are X more likely to happen etc. Tell him you don’t want to be one of those statistics but that BOTH of you need to stop this cycle and find a better equilibrium. Obviously don’t put it all on him or he will be inclined to shut down but make it clear that you believe that to move forward he has to work with you. Stop Being So Understanding. Then try to find a way to understand what goes on in his head and maybe tell him it’s ok not to follow the “sex formula” or whatever is going on in his head during.  That helped me. I also second a sex therapist, if you can get him to partially see your side and he is committed to your relationship then I think your problem will solve itself. Ugg now I mad for you again Bee…good luck

Post # 53
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

avprobeauty :  I really really really disagree. Sex is not a priority for a lot of people for a myriad of reasons and there is nothing wrong with that. He shouldn’t have to put out simply because she is wanting sex. He shouldn’t have to make himself unhappy at the expense of her happiness though. If they have different sex drives and needs then she has to find a medium or possibly move on. I’m not going to have sex with anyone to simply make them happy, I’m not a concubine. 

Post # 54
Member
2813 posts
Sugar bee

zenith :  He definitely should not put out just for her, but the issue here is it doesn’t sound like he is doing anything to satisfy his partner at all. It’s not the frequency, it’s never pleasuring her, not going down on her, not being open to try anything different than few positions, closing his eyes through the whole thing and acting like it’s a huge pain in the ass chore. 

Post # 55
Member
4535 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

thiebaud2018 :  I’m wondering if he is used to succeeding or be able to do something well and doesn’t like the feeling of being out of his comfort zone and not being able to do something well or intellectually understand it?  Is this why he refuses to do stuff like oral sex and shifts the blame for a less then spectacular sex life on you and talks about it being primal and not important??

I found that with people who are used to getting or understanding things easily and quickly, they don’t enjoy the feeling of not understanding or being able to do something and don’t know to handle it because they rarely experience that feeling. His whole intellectualization of sex being ‘primal’ is almost like him rationalizing why he isn’t good at it. He thinks he’s too evolved along the evolutionary  scale so thats why he doesn’t get it. I think this is all just a coping mechanism to not have to deal with something he didn’t automatically get and is too scared to try and fix because he’s scared of failing.

I could be totally wrong but its something worth thinking about and assessing whether this might be the case. If this might be the reason then a lot of praise and gentle instruction might work to get him confident and hopefully more open to bettering your sex life as a couple.

 

Post # 56
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

zenith :  no that’s not what I was saying at all, sorry if it came off like that. I 100% agree with you. 

What I was saying if it’s a priority for her, but not for him, and he isn’t willing to even TRY anything to work it out with her and be more compatible, then they’re at an empass. 

Honestly reading OP original post it seems like compatibility was never validated before marriage happened. That’s sad but seems to be true in this case. And for some people it is a huge thing for them so if that was her thing then that is something that should have been worked out WAY before marriage. 

I was not suggesting for her husband to hoe out and I even said at the end, ‘if hes asexual or whatever people want to call it, that’s FINE’. No judgement on him. She just needs to figure out if this is a lost cause for her. 

That’s all I was saying Bee. 

Post # 57
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

solnishko1186 :  Lots of people both male and femake aren’t into oral so that part doesn’t phase me. Maybe he does feel like it’s a chore. Maybe the fact that he’s willing to do it 4x a month is as good as it’s going to get. She has to decide if that works for her. 

Post # 59
Member
2813 posts
Sugar bee

zenith :  4 times a month wouldn’t be a problem if it’s both partners satisfying each other. One sided sex sucks.

Post # 60
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I had another thought–there’s an app called “please please me” which could be fun for you and your husband to check out. it’s a little more fun/interactive than reading a book or article together, since you mentioned he wasn’t into that idea; basically you each take little quizzes on what turns you off/on and it tells you when you have a match. it ranges from things like date ideas to foreplay and specific positions, etc

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