(Closed) Husband Sharing Personal Info With Ex- Help

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am sorry you are going through this, but she will always be his first love and the mother of his first kids; however, what he is putting you through and encouraging her to do is wrong. She will always be in your lives because of the kids, but you are his forever wife and you are starting a family with him. If you nag at him and keep commenting on the situation, it will only get worse. I suggest that you both go to couples counseling to talk about this with an impartial third party. That will probalby be the only way he will be convinced that the way he is handling this is only enabling her to act the way she does. She obviously isn’t very happy in her current marraige and is reaching out to him for support probably because he is the only “safe” person she knows to turn to. Your husband probably doesn’t really comprehend how stressful this is to you and doesn’t realize how much conflict this is causing in your relationship, even though you have probably told him a kazillion times. Sometimes it takes a third party and/or a rude awakening; ie., you leaving him, for a guy to see the truth of what is actually going on.

Post # 4
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

This is a hard situation to be in. I don’t think an ultimatium will do anything other than bring him and her closer together. They have a serious past and a future connection through their children. Maybe, as the children get older and can drive, he will have to interact with her less but things like a passing of a relative will get back to her via the kids as your husbands relatives are still his kids relatives too and they may need to discuss their feelings with their mom.

As far as feeling like he should not maintain an emotional connection with her, that is hard to dictate. After sharing so much time and growing up together, I think she just understands a lot about him and maybe even makes him feel safe. The key is they need to ttransition to being friends and nothing more. Her saying things like I may be divorced soon are not healthy or appropriate. I guess my advice to you is to either take action and encourage visiting a couple’s therapist who may be able to shed some light onto the situation or just letting him know how it makes you feel and being completely honest even if it leaves you vunerable. Alternatively, you could do nothing but it’s going to drive you crazy so better to bring it up before another incident happens, while you are both of calm mind and not throwing around acusations. Good luck

Post # 6
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I never dealt with this to this extent…but there were times in our relationship that I felt like 2nd fiddle to wife#1, the mother of his kid.  Like, the day I moved in with him, I had just driven in from another state (we were in a LDR) and when I got there, he was driving his kid and kid’s mom home because their car had broken down.  That sort of behavior is the kind of guy he is, and he said he did it because he didn’t want his kid standing around in a bad neighborhood, but you’d better believe I freaked out. 

Over time, we set some very clear boundaries, and it got easier.  We’re a solid unit, and it’s easier on everyone involved, I think.  She doesn’t try to throw her weight around…though she and I don’t speak, she does send messages through her teenage son, or through Fiance, “Can you ask Heather if she minds picking kid up from school?”  (this is only during a time when he would be coming right to our house, not just a random pickup) and so on. 

This isn’t to say there weren’t some blow ups over this…once, Fiance answered her call when we here having sex?  Yeah, that was bad too.

The point is, Fiance needs to stand firm, and understand exactly how this all makes you feel, and when.  (For me, sometimes I can cope better than others)  He needs to promote trust, and understanding with YOU, and although he can and should be cordial to her, there is no need for a friendship there if they’re having trouble with boundaries. 

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