- 8 years ago
- Wedding: February 2010
I’m a newly wed and I’m very uncomfortable with how my husband sometimes talks to his ex, the mother of his children.
They were together off and on for about 13 years – they were high school sweet hearts. During the course of the relationship, 3 children were born. Although the relationship was as dysfunctional there was obviousley a bond there and it wasnt just because of the kids. The relationship officially ended about 6 years ago. No, they wern’t together or dating, but they were screwing around from time to time. After he and I got involved that ceased. The problem that still exsists, however, is the fact that she is now married and has 2 more kids with this new husband, but still has a “thing” for her first love – MY husband.
She tries, on occassion, to divert their conversations away from what should be the only thing they’re talking about, which is the kids. She says, ” If you ever want to talk, feel free to call me anytime.” She tells my husband tidbits like, ” Well, dont be surprised if I’m alone (divorced) in the next few years.” She has accused me of calling social services on her for giving her kids Nyquil to put them to sleep – not when they’re sick, and told him, ” Don’t tell Diane, but I think she did it and if I find out she did then I’m takng her to court, et…(idle threats)…” DONT TELL DIANE????? Are you serious? Do you think he’s really not going to tell me? – Sadly, yes, she doers think that. She thinks that she can still have that influence over my husband…it’s like she doesn’t know her place and has no boundaries. She thinks his loyalities are towards her and not me.
The problem isn’t just with her. He too is encouraging the behavior. Instead of nipping it in the bud by saying, “Hold o, thats my wife youre talking about”…or something to that effect…he acts like hes soooo afraid to be the bad guy. It feels like he’s trying to be a people pleaser and I’m having a hard time coping. He brought it to my attention how he noticed her less than happy reaction to the news of our marriage ( she was in shock) and the impending arrival of our 1st born- a baby girl. ( She was sick!!!)- She and he, when they were together, wanted a girl but never had one. She offered fake and phony “congrats” and a scarcastic “Well, Good luck” as she rolled her eyes. She even reached out to rub my belly. (???)
I’ve explained to him, prior to our marriage that divulging personal info to her that doesnt involve the kids is inappropriate. It will send mixed signals to her and encourage the sense that she has an upper hand and will always be the first mother of his kids, his first love, and overll just have that pience of him she can control. Plus, I find it disrespectful. Now, this evening I found him in the kitchen talking to her in a near whisper about personal matters, ie” his grandmother dying, going to her funeral in the same area that she llives in, etc…”
I guess Im trying to figure out what to do. This woman isnt going anywhere and if he does feel a “connection” to her I cant stop how he feels. My gut feeling is that he will just do it behind my back. Why all of a sudden does he do this? I dont think I can personally stomach the idea that he feel anything for her – because it makes me feel like I will always be in competition with a “first love”- and those are shoes I cant fill. I DID consider the fact that after all these years he married ME and IM HAVING HIS 1st BABY GIRL ( HAAHAA!!!!) -sorry a little revenge feels good when its all youve got- but he outright lied to me when I asked him why he was talking in a near whisper to her AND why he felt it appropriate to discuss personal matters, esp after he told me he doesnt and wont do that? He denied it, basically turned the tables, denied it some more, got flustered, tried to excuse himself by saying, ” I wasnt talking low, I didnt offer the info, she already knew…she said she “read the paper and saw my g-mother died.” (this woman doesnt read the newspaper) I said, “well maybe your oldest son told her.” His reply was, “ok, well maybe he did.” Immediately he realized he was caught in a lie…(I thought she read it in the paper huh??)
I can’t be with someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too. It makes me feel 2nd fiddle and I simply dont want him catering to her pathetic emotional need to feel like she still has a special plac in his mind or heart for her. I know thats what shes hoping for. Im starting to think that maybe he doesnt want to be with her but still has “something” for his first love.
Do I give an ultimatum? Do I make a statement by walking out? Am I reading too much into it and blowing it out of proportion? My feelings are hurt and I feel threatened. How to I effectivley handle this without going out of control and making this worse?