(Closed) husband slacking on job search

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Did you discuss your fertility concerns and job expectations before you married DH?

Post # 5
Member
27 posts
Newbee

It sounds like he lacks motivation. Is depression a factor?

Post # 7
Member
441 posts
Helper bee

Maybe your husband doesn’t have a good idea about what he’s passionate about, so he doesn’t have much motivation to make a career change. From what I’ve heard, IT certifications aren’t worth much without either an actual degree (like computer science) or lots of experience to back them up. IT is also super competitive right now because there are a lot of applicants for only a few positions unless you hit one of the big hiring positions. It’s also possible to make a very good living in IT, but you generally have to work your way up the ladder I think.

So if your husband wants to go back to school, even part time, to take computer classes for a comp sci degree, then I’d say it would be worth it. If he’s just going to get his certifications, I don’t think it would be worth it.

Post # 8
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

you sound like a really motivated, intelligent person who works really hard and you have a good career because YOU worked for it.  I’ve noticed in a lot of relationships (my own included) it tends to be us women who work harder, do better at school, try more to get good jobs, fill out more applications, and don’t let stupid things stop us from getting what we want. I don’t know how to advise you to tell him to pull himself together though, that’s something i have always struggled with with my Fiance.  I just have to breathe sometimes and remember his good qualities and get over the fact that he has NO savings AT ALL, continues to buy stupid shit which he can’t afford, and complains about not getting the job he wants without doing the work he needs to do to get the relevant experience….

if you can figure out how to motivated your man please let me know cuz i have no clue!!  the only way i helped with a little with mine was looking up loads of facts on the internet about problems with pregnancy in older women and ultimately telling him that if I get pregnant and the baby has abnormalities I am NOT having an abortion – and the older I get, the more likely that is to happen. maybe to him 30 isn’t a big deal but to the rest of us it is, and you have yourself all sorted out, why the hell should you have to wait for him?!  good luck!!!

Post # 9
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

If he is depressed , its probably not the best circumstances to create and raise a baby. I’m sure its temporary and hopefully he can get what he needs to get out of his funk!

It can be upsetting  when you as a woman are out working and supporting and he seems to be lacking enthusiasm about picking up his role. I understand that you are upset!

Unfortunately it seems like the was still in college class mode before your marriage, so you went into it knowing he wasn’t in a position to be a huge provider and now your upset since nothing has really changed.

I hope it works out and I’m sure you will be pregnant and he will be working in no time!

Post # 10
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Not everyone works in their dream field and has their dream career.  Not everyone has a job they love or even like.  I’m not saying he should just do whatever so you can have a baby by the time you’re 30.  Yet, I am saying that.  He is a married man.  He has a wife and he made some promises.  Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.  He may have to just fall into another job that he may just hate because he has a wife and he needs to be a grown up man.  He no longer has the option to sit around and sulk.  Hopefully, while he is working it will come to him what he really wants to do. Then maybe he can go to school and work towards that.  You are not wrong at all to push him. He is a married man, not a teenage boy.  He has responsibilities now.  

Post # 11
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@2ndtime:totally agree – well put!  sometimes these guys need to just man up!!!

Post # 13
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Saying he plays the video games as an escape, means he has admitted the problem and acknowledges the situation. Yes, I think its time he gets a second job, or transition into another  full time one and drop the bank. I think you said he was in school or would like to, so how much can he work- do you know his class schedule yet?

Regardless of the baby- iF he has respect for you , he should be doing more than just sitting around and using excuses. He has a wife who is fulfilling her home duties as well as making the bread and butter. I wold take the discussion with him past the work issues, and talk about respect and responsibility.

Post # 13
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

. dbl post. sorry!

Post # 14
Member
441 posts
Helper bee

I totally understand where you’re coming from. My husband has generalized anxiety disorder, and he used to completely shut down once or twice a year during his busy times at work. Like, he would be on heavy medication, not eat, walk around like a zombie, not go to work, and play video games all day (he too said they helped take his mind off work). A couple of years ago, my husband began seeing a therapist, and it’s amazing how much he’s changed. This year he is almost through his busy time at work, and, though he’s anxious and stressed, he hasn’t missed any work, eats, functions fairly normally, doesn’t play video games more than usual, and hasn’t upped his medication. It’s seriously amazing.

It’s really hard to understand what a depressed or otherwise mentally troubled person is going through because they think differently than a “normal” person. I struggled a lot with trying to empathize and support my husband during his stressful times.

What I’m trying to say is that maybe your husband needs a little help. I doubt he’s going to have the confidence or motivation to make a career change or have a baby while he’s depressed, and constantly mentioning it to him (even though it’s warranted) probably makes his emotional and mental state worse. Remember, you’re not doing anything wrong, he’s just seeing things differently right now. However, depression isn’t an excuse, and he needs to want to learn how to manage his illness. I recommend finding him a therapist, and even going with him once or twice if he feels comfortable.

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