Post # 46
spiffy80schick : I realize you’re just being defensive, but the boasting about how you coasted quite easily through your Masters and plan to cakewalk through upcoming psych is quite arrogant and off-putting. And yes, of course I realize that 5 hours classroom time doesn’t = total time for the course, not even close. But if you’re as exceptionally gifted as you claim to be, even this shouldn’t necessitate you sequestering yourself in your office most of the week, there’s a disconnect here somewhere.
You can tell yourself you’re doing this now to better your career for the long run, and this is likely true, but you’re still not seeing the balance is way off here. You’re like the CEO who never sees his/ her kids’ softball games and school events and when someone tries to talk to them about making time for their kids, they’re like Hello?! Running a company here. with all of the self-importance and zero insight you’re displaying here. You glossed over anything I said about your husband or your relationship and only focused on the perceived slight that I wasn’t giving you due credit for the hours you’re putting in. That’s more telling than you realize, but you’ll get no more advice from me because clearly you only hear what you choose to hear.
Your description of your Masters program sounds a little off….I realize there are different Masters programs out there….but still askew enough to give pause, much like your wedding discrepancies.
Post # 47
spiffy80schick : Oh, definitely a different story if he’s cancelling plans. It sounds like you need to get tough. It is weird, and I am sorry that you’re experiencing this. Maybe some couples counselling if it doesn’t get better?
Post # 48
I think doing your own thing once a month is natural and healthy in a relationship. HOWEVER, I agree he shouldn’t be blowing off your plans- That is the shit part here, not him going to see his friends.
Next weekend I am having a weekend with friends and crashing at my friend’s house too. It doesn’t mean I love my SO less because I won’t be spending time with him. We spend many weekends together, but even during a usual weekend one of us will do our own thing for a couple of hours (sport, shopping, meet friends for a coffee). I had an evening to myself last night and I loved it, had a bubble bath, painted my nails and then watched a film. Let him enjoy his once a month night with friends.
I think you should work on spicing up your relationship. I think you should tell him how much you enjoy his company and it hurts when he cancels (Communication is key). Then surprise him, take one night off from work and cook a meal, watch a film together, go for a walk, go for dinner….something that takes you away from work. If he sees Noah you can catch up on work then 🙂
I don’t think he necessarily needs to tell you way in advance everytime he sees his friends, if you don’t have plans together surely there’s no issue? I would think nothing if my SO said to me ‘I might go round to my friend’s house’….he has no plans, he can do as he pleases. However, cancelling on our plans would piss me off and I would be having words.
Post # 49
Okay, I’m going to be constructive now. You’re early on in your marriage. This should be the “honeymoon” phase of marriage so to speak. My husband and I are in the same stage of marriage, and have been married around the same amount of time as you. Yes, we do spend time apart, but nothing like you describe. As most PPs have stated, and as you yourself know, your husband’s sleepovers are not normal. I know a lot of Bees are gamers or married to gamers, so I certainly don’t mean to step on toes, but I feel the gaming is part of the problem. He’s prioritizing gaming with friends over spending time with you. He already games during the week, but he also wants to go have sleepovers to game some more on frequent weekends.
If casual communication hasn’t worked, I think you need to try again. Sit him down when you both have time to talk, and tell him that you’re married, but he’s acting like a single guy with his sleepovers. Tell him what you expect from him, such as a certain amount of weekends together a month, and be firm. Joking, or using phrases such as “blow him later” trivialize the issue. Then you can also ask him if there’s anything you can do to be a better wife for him. Are there any expectations he has that you aren’t meeting. You need to come together to come up with a solution that works for you both.
My husband and I aren’t perfect. But one thing we’ve done since getting married is sitting down every 2-3 months and talking about how we’re feeling, if there’s any needs that aren’t being met, or any disagreements that are lingering or weren’t resolved to our mutual satisfaction, and we’re always sure to talk about the highlights of those months and how much we love each other. We also have worked hard to keep a weekly date night where just the two of us go out and spend time together, outside of work, cellphones, and other distractions.
It just sounds like neither of you are prioritizing your relationship and marriage, you due to time constraints that are currently outside of your control, and him due to prioritizing his friendship with Noah over his marriage with you.
Post # 50
spiffy80schick : is this the same man slob from your previous post? If so, why the hell did you marry him? You guys are totally incompatible. You’re a type A, successful, highly motivated individual and he sounds like a lumpy potato.
Most important question: all this time apart, how often are you having sex? Does he ever initiate sex?
Have you ever followed him to see if he is *actually* going to Noah’s? Because if the answer to the previous question is we almost never have sex, he is probably sleeping with someone else, whether that be Noah, or someone else. If you don’t question his Noah story, he could be using it as a cover.
This is very bizarre. Like, veryyyy bizarre. The only time, literally, my husband has ever slept somewhere else is if he was totally drunk.
Post # 51
RobbieAndJuliahaha : The reason I didn’t respond to your “advice” which was really just telling me everything I do and say is wrong. Including how much time I need to spend on a class is not actually advice. Stuff you said had already been addressed in previous posts. My biggest issue is that he is spending nights not in our bed, not really sure why you think you can tell someone else what their issue is.. You didnt like the days and times I spent on school. I let you know that hubby picked these days and times and apparently you didn’t like that so you had to be all rude.
Writing and projects are my strong suit, I know this. I can knock them out in no time, I’ve always been able to do this. So yeah, I’m probably arrogant when it comes to that. I picked a masters program that catered to my strengths. I don’t test well, and have debilitating test anxiety. This class is the first time I’ve had to take a test for school since my sophomore year of undergrad in 2003. I’m absolutely awful at math and science so I have to spend more time than the average person on these type of classes. I know my strong suits and I know my weaknesses.
Outside of the professional upper level programs (law, medicine, psychology, probably most sciences) every friend of mine with a masters or currently in a masters program have the exact same type of work. A bunch of small papers and a big project with a big paper for each class. I had papers or projects due weekly for each class. They just don’t take me that much time.
As a teacher you should realize that not a lot of people are gifted in all areas. I’m going to coast through my psych class because my BS is in behavior and development, the same class I have to take. Since my behavior classes were through the education and health/human services departments in college and not the psych department (outside of abnormal psych), my school is making me take this class. So yeah, I’m taking it over the summer on purpose and plan to coast.
Again, we did the court house wedding in December, only 5 people know about this. We count our anniversary as September. It’s just a habit to say September.
Post # 52
jade31 : girl. I have brought this up so many times. I can’t get him to agree to it. I have a feeling it’s because he knows I’m right about this and he doesn’t want a stranger to tell him it’s not normal for a grown, married man to have sleepovers.
I’ll finally get him to agree, then the next day he says he didn’t agree to that.
Post # 53
sf618 : that’s exactly what said! Something is really not right. If it’s not another girl maybe he is sleeping with Noah. Weirder things have happened than that scenario.
Post # 54
happybridetobe1988 : I don’t even get an hours notice. I get a bye I’m going to Noah’s and it’s not just a weekend here and there. Or even just once a month. And this is in addition to camping/backpacking, guys weekend trips etc. Its also not a few hours each weekend. It was out of the ordinary for him to go on a Friday. Typically, it’s Saturday. He’ll leave around 3ish in the afternoon and come home around 10am. Noah only lives about 25 minutes away depending on traffic. So it’s not like it couldn’t just be meeting up for this or that.
I have told him multiple times I love spending time with him.
It wouldn’t be an issue, telling me at the last minute if it was, hey I’m meeting Noah for a movie and I’ll be home in a few hours. It’s hey I’m going to be gone more than 12 hours and not sleep in the same bed as you.
Post # 55
spiffy80schick : Even if you choose to put my “advice” in passive-aggressive quotes, I did try to advise you. And I wasn’t putting all of the blame on you by any means, your husband isn’t bringing his A-game to the relationship anymore than you are. I advised you not to be so overly-consumed with your career that you neglect your partner and I also advised you that your husband also needs to change, not cool him blowing you off like you’re his mother and with you only hearing of his plans when he already has one foot out the door. What I ‘advised’ as you put it was actually a heartfelt conversation so you can both make some changes and prioritize your relationship more.
But again, you’re fixating on any remarks directed towards your studies because you didn’t like what I had to say. But the truth is, you haven’t found a workable balance in your life if it’s negatively affecting your marriage. Maybe you don’t want to hear the truth, but it was meant to try and help you even if you didn’t take it that way. Perhaps being very Type A, you are easily stung by criticism and so it becomes a sticking point for you rather than advice.
Post # 56
- Wedding: August 2018 - Four Seasons Hotel Los Angeles at Beverly Hills
Yes this seems pretty odd for a guy in his 30s. If he just wanted to crash at a friend’s place after a guy’s night out every once in awhile, that’s totally understandable but almost every weekend seems excessive.
Post # 57
The idea of grown men having sleepovers, especially when there’s no heavy drinking involved is weird to me. My Fiance will sometimes go and have some drinks with his friend, and I wouldn’t care if he spent the night, but he will usually ask me to come get him which I have no problem with. I, on the otherhand, have more “sleepovers” because I’m a heavier drinker and my BFF lives about an hour away so I just end up sleeping at her place. If she was closer I’m sure my Fiance would have no problem picking me up. I don’t see why your husband needs to spend the night. He can go play video games for a few hours and then come home, it’s not like you’re not wanting him to see friends.
Post # 58
At this point in the thread, we have established that this is not normal for a married couple, not even 1-2 years in.
It is just as simple as, he is happier and having a better time over Noah’s than he is at home with you. The gaming, and the Scotch, and perhaps a few other things you don’t know about, are factors.
Talk to him. Lay it all out on the table. No way to know if that will fix it, but at least he will know you aren’t a doormat.
Post # 59
Telling you he will agree to counseling and then saying he never said that is either gaslighting or early dementia. Either way, also not normal! I think it’s ultimatum time at this point. I would never have let it get this far.
Post # 60
RobbieAndJuliahaha : Yeah, you struck a massive nerve, regarding the education piece. Her marriage issues, not so much. You are giving great advice, she needs to consider.