Post # 1
Longtime lurker here. Wondering if I could get some advice, because I don’t know how to approach this.
A few years ago I found out that my husband was having inappropriate conversations via text and IM with a girl he’s known since his late teens. Some of the convos were sometimes extremely sexual. Nothing about them doing it, but about her sex life, or his with me. Or they just spoke about sex in general. I was super pissed of course, because I’m a very private person. I don’t even talk to my best friend about sex life because I’m trying to respect my husband’s privacy. And I’m far from a prude.
Well, we fought because he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. I’ve moved out. He’s stopped and started. This was all before we got married almost 2 years ago.
Last Friday I saw messages between them. Not sex related, very platonic. But I’m pretty upset that after all we’ve been through he’s still doing this. I thought we had worked through this and understood there is supposed to be no contact.
I’ve seen he’s even asked her about what Christmas gift to get me. Wtf?!
We’re heading to her hometown in 2 weeks to visit a friend, and he’s told her that he’ll be there. This is the only issue in our relationship, and I’m never one to tell anyone who they can be friends with, but this is unacceptable. And I don’t care that these messages are platonic, they could be talking about Jesus and I’d still be mad.
I just don’t know how to approach this without blowing up big time. And I wonder if he’s considering meeting her while we’re there.
I need advice, bees. Please.
This topic was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by sherbetdoll.
Post # 2
It sounds like him not understanding what he did wrong may be the central issue (if he didn’t understand, then it probably doesn’t feel wrong to him that he’s still texting her). Did he ever truly understand after the initial issue before you got married – did you ever seek counseling? Is there a chance he may even think that he’s going above and beyond by keeping it platonic-sounding because he doesn’t see an issue with discussing sex with her?
I would probably seek counseling together at this point, do you think he’d be up for it? I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know the frustration of trying to explain something to someone who just has a different baseline for a particular social cue.
Post # 3
sherbetdoll: If you are not one to tell a husband who he can and can’t be friends with, then don’t do it! Unless of course the two of them were complaining about their spouses sexually (which would be very disloyal and could spark an affair), it seems that the only wrong thing he did was have a big mouth about your sex life. Believe me I would be pissed too!!! But why does he have to go no contact with her now?
As for your upcoming trip, I would find awkward the fact that I snooped in his messages. Because now you are worrying that Darling Husband and the friend will meet up. I can hardly imagine he will sneak off on a trip and meet up with her.
Btw if this is a longtime friend from youth, maybe it could be fun to meet her and go to lunch because she’ll have funny stories about your DH’s teen years lol. If she brings her husband that could be good too, I’m just not sure how I would bring up that you saw their messages??
Post # 4
sherbetdoll: Oh my. After reading your title I instantly thought ‘No, no, no, no, no, no, NO’ but I gather from your post that it’s a teeny bit more complicated.
Everyone has different thoughts and ideas about friendships with members of the opposite sex in a marriage and what I’m hearing is that:
A) you and your Darling Husband are just not on the same page about what those friendship boundaries are
B) your Darling Husband doesn’t realise that even if you were on the same page boundary-wise now, it wouldn’t apply here given the extenuating circumstances of this relationship.
Have you explicitly talked to him at all about your feelings since you saw the recent messages? If so, how did he respond?
If I were you, I would try to explain the distinction between entirely platonic friendships that you would consider ‘normal’ vs platonic friendships with someone that he has a more intimate history with, and explain how the latter makes you feel. I think it will help if he knows you’re not saying he can’t interact with any women in the future, but this particular relationship is understandably a no-go zone for you. Try and use ‘I feel…’ statements as much as possible to keep the conversation constructive (instead of ‘You did…’ statements, which often provoke a more defensive reaction). If the conversation doesn’t go well, take a break and walk away for a few minutes so that you both have a chance to reflect and cool down. It’s so hard to do in the moment, but saves so much agony in the long run.
I sincerely hope that he recognises how uncomfortable his actions make you and decides to wind down this friendship of his own accord. I’m all for my husband having female friends, but this would make me uncomfortable too. Best of luck!
Post # 5
penguinwapi: It seemed like he did when he admitted that if I was speaking to a guy the way he was he’d be very angry. I’m not sure what the disconnect is. And, yes, I think he’d be open to counseling. Maybe he’d listen to a third party who doesn’t have any vested interest in our marriage.
Post # 6
Did you make it clear to him that no contact with her was necessary for your relationship with him to continue? If you did so and he continues to contact her no matter how innocently this would be a complete violation and a deal breaker for me. If you communicated to him that you are a private person and he is discussing private details with her i.e your christmas present..then again this would be a deal breaker.
Also the fact that he hasnt mentioned his contact with her means he knows he is doing wrong. It would not surprise me if he isnt considering contact or perhaps an accidental meeting?
If he was being on the up and up he would have said to you. Hey I wanted to let you know so that you know Im being honest but so and so texted me. I will respect your boundaries since I know that I messed up.
He hasnt done those things. You need to confront him. He clearly doesnt respect your marriage because he is in contact with her again and you dont know if he is deleting other things..i.e the sexual stuff.
Post # 7
littlechickie: It’s not just him talking about our sex life. He calls her sexy, and they talk about fantasies and such. I think she sent him a pic once, but I couldn’t see it. I gathered it was of her ass, from the messages.
Also he had given me his phone to reply to a message as he was driving, so I saw it and looked. I have his password to his phone too. I was just shocked to see her name after I thought she was no longer in the picture.
Post # 8
Miss_Mae: Thanks for your response. I made it very clear about how I felt, even moved out for a while. I just don’t get why he can’t let go.
I know he’d flip out if I ever did anything like this. He’s gotten an attitude with me when he thought a guy was flirting with me (dude was just being friendly).
I haven’t spoken to him yet. I’m just afraid I’ll get so upset and got totally bonkers, that I’ll make the situation worse.
Post # 9
Ok, well, from your initial post, I didn’t see anything wrong with it, in that I have close friends that I talk about sex with and it’s completely platonic and not an emotional affair situation at all. I thought you guys simply had different communication styles and levels of boundaries, which seemed like a separate issue.
However, them calling each other sexy and her sending him pictures of her ass does not seem ok, especially since you and him had an understanding that they wouldn’t contact each other. Him going behind your back on that seems like a huge red flag. I would look into couple’s counseling as soon as possible.
Post # 10
Mrs.MilitaryBee: Yes, I explicitly told him our relationship would not continue with that happening. There’s no way he could have misconstrued anything I said. He knows there’s to be no contact whatsoever.
I hope he’s not planning to see her, but at this point I don’t know.
Post # 11
sherbetdoll: Well you cant ignore it. Obviously from your post he has a double standard. A guy isnt allowed to be friendly toward you but its okay in his book to go behind your back and violate your boundaries. I would suggest counseling but I have an idea that he will say no. You can suggest it.
You moved out once and he has continued the behavior. She has sent pics and he refers to her as sexy. Totally inappropriate. That is not a platonic relationship. Asking about a christmas present for you isnt platonic either since this woman doesnt know you and has never met you. How would she know what you would like so why would he consult her. Shouldnt he consult someone who knows you. Thats in case he throws that little excuse out there.
Sorry you are going through this.
Post # 12
Nope nope nope.
There is no excuse for this behavior. You made it very clear how he made you feel when you moved out the first time. Anyone who is saying “maybe he doesn’t understand what he did” is completely wrong. He knows exactly what he is doing. He hurt you once before and is continuing to do so. A decent man would take your forgiveness and not wrong you again. A scumbag would take the inch and run a mile with it. Your husband is stepping on your relationship with his heel, and grinding it into the ground while this woman looks on and laughs.
Honestly OP, even if you could somehow make sure he never saw or spoke with this woman again, could you really trust him? I mean, he’s sexting for christ sake. How do you know he isn’t sleeping with this woman? How do you REALLY know? Sexting is beyond an emotional affair. Often women use the word “emotional affair” when they are uncomfortable with a female friend, or even a flirtatious one. This is full blown out of bounds. Your husband isn’t such an idiot that he doesn’t understand he shouldn’t be sexting other women. PLEASE. I knew better at 15 when I had my first boyfriend.
Nothing good can come of a marriage where he has done this to you twice. Call me a debbie downer if you want, but this is a really good case of where you should GTFO now. If you are sexually active, I would advise you stop sleeping together immediately. If he asks you why, tell him he obviously no longer needs your services.
Or, go to therapy and see if you can ever trust him again. I guess. If this guy has screwed you over once royally before, and oyu actually moved out and he’s doing it again I’m willing to bet he has no interest in changing. Therapy is for people who want to change. Your husband clearly does not.
Post # 13
sherbetdoll: “He knows there’s to be no contact whatsoever. ” — Or what? Whatever the consequence is, he’s willing to accept it.
Post # 14
doglover89: Seconding this.
Post # 15
sherbetdoll: Not cool. It feels very disrespectful that he’s essentially disregarding your feelings here.
I totally understand about not wanting to lose your cool, as it doesn’t help you to actually communicate over the issue at hand. If you’re really worried about that, have you considered sitting down and writing a letter instead? You could take the time to find the words you’re happy with to express yourself and explain that you chose to write to him so that he would also have a chance to digest your words and decide how to respond (rather than just react heatedly in the moment). I know it’s not perfect, but it may end up being more constructive than having a full on blow-out.
His response is going to be key here. If he prioritises his preferences above your feelings, I would be very concerned about your future together. Have all my fingers crossed for you…