Post # 1
So in the past few months my husband has been struggling with his family (especially his father) this sort of started up last year due to not seeing eye to eye on the election. Now we don’t see his family too much but I always make sure remind him to call on mother’s day/ birthdays / holidays and we go up a few times a year to see them. I try to be fair when sending gifts to our nieces/nephews (both of our siblings have kids – we are CFBC) but in the end we are just much closer to my side of the family.
It might just be the old saying “son is your son till he takes a wife” type situation or it might be because his dad in particular is a lot to handle – very loud, out spoken, thinks he is the smartest guy in the room etc and his sister/brother live a few hours away by plane and don’t do a lot to keep up their side of keeping in touch either (ie my sister will face time w her kids so they know us and we know them even though we live hours away so they are comfortable with us when we visit)
on our last visit things got tense – DH was annoyed at father before we even arrived bc of political views, plus the father was his normal “charming” self and made sure to talk over ppl, yell if everyone didn’t pay attention to him, butt into every conversation etc – DH got annoyed and walked away (leaving me to deal with him which sort of sucks but whatever I can easily handle them – I am in sales and I deal with idiots on the regular) DH ended up getting heated and just packing the car and being like let’s go NOW to me so we left a bit abrubtly…. that was in mid-may (so about 1 month ago)
it hasn’t been odd that we haven’t been in touch since but this weekend was fathers day and I suggested he call/text a few times but he refused…. in the end I sent a quick text to his father around 9 PM just saying happy father’s day and how you doing etc. since I felt guilty.
I am not sure if I am wrong for “going behind his back” (I did mention that if he didn’t do it I would and he said fine whatever) or if I should keep trying to get them to “makeup” or if I should just leave it alone and don’t mention it and he will come around when he is ready?
my issue is that I try to be pretty “proper” and I feel guilty that we don’t treat his family the same – I guess in the end I am worried people are going to say that I “ruined” their relationship or stole him away bc we are so close to my family or that his parents will end up holding a grudge against me for it.
what to do bees? do I just keep up the minimal effort (cards for birthdays etc and occassional text to check in). do I just do nothing and let him decide? is it wrong that we are so close to my family (though they technically live even further away?)
Post # 2
Yes, you were wrong. How he navigates his relationship with his father is his decision and you shouldn’t have gotten involved by contacting him on Father’s Day. It wasn’t your place. You knew he didn’t want to and it’s pretty clear he didn’t really want you to either. And for some reason you are making this about you when it isn’t about you at alol. It sounds like you care more about what people think about you than how your DH is feeling.
Not everyone’s family is the same. You can’t compare yours to his and just use the logic that this is what you would do with your dad so that’s what he should do with his.
Post # 3
I struggle with my relationship with my dad too, so I can understand how he is feeling with this situation. My case is different, but essentially my dad is controlling without realizing it and he has minimal self-awareness and empathy. I’m just starting to uncover how deeply rooted these issues are and as much as I love him, my adult relationship with him always has been strained. My husband lets me take the lead because he understands that it’s mine to deal with.
If your husband wants to maintain the relationship with his dad, that is his choice. Don’t feel guilty about spending more time with your family. If he wants to spend time with his family, he is responsible for arranging that. If I were in your situation I would keep on suggesting he calls on important days and whatnot, but don’t feel like you have to push him to have a relationship with his family.
I will also say I’m close to both my husband’s family and my family and though my husband is out of town on business right now, I went to his parents’ house for a Father’s Day grill out. I also purchased his dad a gift. So in a lot of ways it depends on each family situation.
Post # 4
It’s really not your place to manage his relationship with his family, period. You seem too focused on what other people will think about you instead of on what matters which is your husband’s feelings. My husband has a complicated relationship with his father and I have decided to take my cues from him on how he wants to interact with him. If he asks my opinion I give it, otherwise I stay out of it.
Post # 5
ok so like if his sister texts me etc should I just ignore? tell her text him?
honestly I am not trying to police his relationship its just very hard for me to understand bc I am so close with my family that even if you are in a fight you at least text or call someone bc the fight will be over some day but you can’t take away that snub.
I did tell him last time if he doesn’t want to visit anymore I don’t care either way
Post # 6
It depends what his sister is contacting you about. There’s a lot of contextual elements to answering that question.
But when he tells you he doesn’t want to contact his dad on Father’s Day because they’ve had a falling out you should absolutely respect that.
Post # 7
If she texts you, then answer her as yourself. But stop speaking on his behalf. Marrying you doesn’t mean he lost all rights to his autonomy. He is allowed to have the relationship he wants to have with his own family. That doesn’t have to be exactly the same as the one you have with yours, nor the one he has with yours. Stop interfering. If you want to text members of his family because you have such deep affection and reverence for them, then do it as yourself and only maintaining the relationship you personally want with them. Your husband is a grown man and can speak for himself – he doesn’t need you acting as his ventriloquist.
Post # 8
If his sister texts you to communicate with you, I’d respond. But if she texts you to communicate with him, I’d tell her to do so directly.
My FI has had problems with a father figure over the past few months. I have stayed out of it, only had contact with this uncle the bare minimum, and when possible given my FI advice to improve their relationship.