Post # 1
We are recently married, fairly young, and got married after a short time of being together. We obviously both still have tons to learn, so I am trying to be patient with my husband on this issue, but I am starting to lose that patience. He will subtly tell his family when we are fighting – for example; we had an argument about him being caught in a lie. He left to go feed his cats at his old house, and texted his mom saying “She is mad, going to sleep in my old room, please don’t come in.” We just had a conversation about how this is inappopriate not only because our business should stay between us, but because he is not venting or saying facts about the situation, he is explicitly making me out to look like an unreasonable, angry wife. I have asked if he deep down feels that I am unreasonable or too angry, and he tells me no everytime. How do I go about this to make him truly understand where I am coming from so he will stop doing it?
Post # 2
I wanted to add that when I get what he describes as “mad” it is usally that my feelings are hurt and I have told him this multiple times. I haven’t yelled at him or gotten in his face or anything like that. He walks off and refuses to talk to me if I bring up an issue, no matter how calmly or sweetly I bring it up. This is why it is especially confusing that he keeps telling his family I’m “mad” when I am usually not.
Post # 3
This sounds both like immaturity and like he is having a hard time accepting his own role in conflict. How many times have you addressed this with him? In my opinion, it’s fixable (though I imagine many bees will tell you to hightail it out of there) but only if he realizes why his behavior is unhealthy and truly wants to work on it. Is counseling an option? Maybe he gets so defensive in the moment of a conflict that you need to occasionally table it for discussion later, once things have calmed down?
I used to deal with conflict very unhealthily. It took lots of time to unlearn those coping mechanisms, and the only reason I was able to change my approach is because my husband was patient and I felt very safe in what I perceived as great vulnerability. If healthier methods didn’t have better outcomes than our previous conflicts, I wouldn’t have kept with it.
Post # 4
He’s a man-child running home to mama. You have a problem on your hands.
Post # 5
See a therapist. Seriously. This is a huge problem with your communication, and communication is everything in a marriage. You mentioned that you are young, which does not surprise me because this seems like an immature response to day-to-day conflict. It is fine that you are young, and certainly doesn’t mean you cannot make this marriage work, but you need to find a way for you both to grow together.
Post # 6
He’s a kid. Or has the brain of one.
one day he will grow out of being this way..for your sake;soon.
But for now maybe when there is a disagreement let it rest and then calmly/lovely address it later
use more “I” than “you” when describing the issue and always include him on the decision of the solution.
Post # 7
A mature partner would 100% understand the importance of keeping your marital problems private to the marriage. It’s very alarming that he doesn’t understand this very basic tenent of marriage.
I also suggest counseling. If you are young, and this is still a relatively new relationship, you very well might need guidance to improve your communication.
Post # 8
You two have to start having serious grown-up conversations without him storming off in a paddy. Ask him to do that, ask him to sit and talk to you in order to find a good way of communicating your differences and then find a solution/compromise. Agree that other people will not be included in your problems without the permission of the spouse.
He’s both being immature and shirking responsibility and he needs to find a way to get over that.
Post # 9
First, you can’t ‘make’ another person do anything, so let go of that idea right now.
Your husband is much too immature to be married and you didn’t get to know him well enough before you married him.
Your in laws should not know your “side” of anything. It’s none of their business.
You have two options:
Ditch this one, take some time to mature and look for a grown up to date.
Learn to live with it. You can certainly offer up counseling. Even if he agrees to go, I’m not overly optimistic. Mommey’s Boys tend to remain Mommey’s Boys for life.
Post # 10
Does he understand that each time he does this he’s chipping away at your long-term relationship not just with you but also between you and your ILs?
I know counseling is frequently offered up as a solution on the Bee, but it’s for good reason. He may need to hear from someone else that what he’s doing is not just inappropriate but is damaging to all these relationships he should find important.
Post # 11
Just reading this made my blood pressure spike. Does he seroiusly seek refuge in his childhood bedroom in mommy’s home when you guys have a minor dispute? Also he gets “caught in a lie” and then complains to mommy that you are mad? That’s like gaslighting 101.
This dude appears to have the emotional maturity of a 4 year old, and that’s being generous to the 4 year old.
Post # 13
Don’t listen to anyone telling you he’ll grow out of it. Many men don’t. My father is in his 60s and still sulks and deals with conflict poorly. As a result, there’s nothing less attractive to me in a partner. That being said, I truly believe this can be resolved. How to deal better with conflict is something we can all change and learn. He’s not abusive or a bad man or a liar or anything, he just doesn’t know how to deal with conflict appopriately. I think you will definitely need counselling to work on his, together, and also him individually. Treat this seriously and make sure he does too because this kind of thing can affect your marriage for the rest of your life. Couples see counsellors for multitudes of reasons, and a giant one is learning how to communicate better. There is no shame in it, and putting it off until it gets even worse is foolish – don’t let yourself feel more and more resentful every time this happens, get on top of this now. He needs to know this isn’t ok!
Post # 14
I so appreciate all of the helpful comments. Thank you all!
Post # 15
Sorry to hear this bee! The most functional relationship I’ve known consists of us putting on a united front and being a team. Unless it is a serious conflict which requires some advice and you want to vent/discuss with either of your families, it’s really not their business every time you have a disagreement or feelings are hurt. He needs to act like your partner and be concerned about your concerns… Not run off and moan, when you can’t even defend yourself. It is not supportive at all and not something I could tolerate as it will just wedge a divide and paint you in an unfair light to his family. But maybe that’s part of their family culture… I know my Mum would question why I was running to her all the time with conplaints and not communicating with my spouse instead, and unless something terrible had happened I doubt she’d be like ok have a sook in your old room… Not when you’re married and have done nothing that warrants anything that drastic. In fact, he’s the one who has misbehaved. It’s a bit undermining and sounds very immature to me, and I think he just wants to run off when it doesn’t go his way and not address his poor behaviour (lying). I’m not sure how you’d go about resolving this, but I do think you deserve much better!! X
EDIT: I second counselling is a good idea! He needs to hear about dynamics of a healthy relationship and how to deal with things/tools from someone outside his family, and professional help would be great. Sometimes it makes a big difference hearing independent advice and shines a light on how to react better. Good luck and hugs xx