(Closed) Husband texting another woman and lying about it?posted 2 years ago in Emotional
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: City, State
Back to OP’s point. There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. There’s no right to secret flirty times when you’re in a monogamous marriage. Your husband needs to hand you the phone right now, so that you can read the texts. If you don’t like them, or they’re out of line in any way… he stops texting her immediately. If they’ve crossed the line seriously…. he finds a new job and you guys get counseling.
You don’t have to keep the peace. You don’t need to make excuses for his behavior. To hell with being polite. Take a flamethrower to this situation.
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: June 2020
I went through a similar situation in the past year, so my thoughts go out to you. The shifting back and forth between feeling betrayed and doubting yourself makes it all the more difficult to get back on an even keel, I know.
Do not let him rug sweep this with all of that “I lied because I didn’t want you to get mad” and “You won’t let me have friends” BS. That’s not what this is. But you already know that.
First he either needs to show you their messages or you need to access them for yourself. You need to get as complete of a picture of their relationship as you can, so that you can start planning your next steps. Do not let him hold you at bay with claims to “privacy.” Hiding relationships from a partner is not privacy; it’s secrecy.
In my case, my SO’s contact via text and email with a former coworker was all friendly and did not seem overly flirty or otherwise inappropriate at any point, which is what made it not a dealbreaker for me right off the bat. Out of context it would have been convincingly platonic. But I found other evidence that she had confessed feelings for him, and that he was attracted to her and thinking about her regularly, even if he didn’t express those feelings to her. Overall my interpretation is that he enjoyed the validation and ego stroking from her and the fantasy of it. So he crossed boundaries, but I decided I could live with it as long as I felt confident it wouldn’t happen again.
If you learn the extent of their involvement and decide not to leave him right away, my advice is to get him to cut contact with her without telling him to. He needs to be the one to offer it. This will require an uncomfortable discussion, or series of discussions, during which he needs to acknowledge why his behavior has been inappropriate. He may be operating under the assumption that no physical cheating = totally platonic friendship, and he needs to see that this is not the case.
This took more than one conversation in my case because my SO repeatedly fell back on the “just friends” card and wanted to leave it at that. His infatuation had passed by the time I confronted him about it, so he was hoping to leave it in the past. So I had to sit him down again and lay out piece by piece why the relationship with his former coworker was inappropriate. It took quite a bit of back and forth:
“I thought she was just a good friend.” “But she confessed having feelings for you.” “But I reminded her I was in a committed relationship, and now she’s in another country.” “But you stayed in contact with her.” “Just a few emails.” “That you lied to me about.” “Because I didn’t want you to take it badly.” “Which I have never done in the past, so this must have been different.” “We were just friends.” “But your dynamic changed when she confessed feelings for you. Would you have been so interested in staying in contact with her if she were a man? Surely you see how that’s different than just a friendship. Would you have been interested in her if I wasn’t in the picture?” “There’s no way to know how things would be.” “So yes, possibly. That’s why I think it’s inappropriate for you to stay in contact with women for validation or for your ego or to hold onto some fantasy.” “I have no interest in being in contact with her again. She’s not important to me. She probably wasn’t a great friend anyways since I haven’t heard from her in months. I’ll delete my Facebook, I don’t care.”
Your situation is complicated by the fact that they are still in real-world contact. So I think he’s going to need to put in extra effort to reassure you. If he doesn’t, you’re never going to get over it. I’m still not totally over what happened. It’s been better, but occasionally I still have a bad day.
I also recommend indvidual therapy; it’s helped me so far to feel more confidant that my feelings are valid, and I have gotten better at standing up for myself when my SO gets defensive. I am also planning to bring my SO eventually for couples counseling. He has agreed to it; I’ve just been waiting for the right time when I feel secure enough to hold him to it. We both need to work on our communication skills, and I think another discussion of honesty and boundaries in the relationship is in order. I think having a third party mediator will be helpful for facilitating this.
- 2 years ago
I really don’t see myself going to counseling if my husband starts texting other women, has emotional affairs etc etc Why do betrayed spouses go into couples counseling when it’s not really your issue? Cheating and lying are character issues not really marriage issues. I think a lot of betrayed spouses feel that if only they were kinder, better looking, more understanding, etc that their spouse wouldn’t have turned to someone else. It’s simply not true. If my husband decides to start crap like this, I can’t see myself staying. Plenty of men don’t lie or cheat and it rarely ever changes. If a spouse wants to date and carry on with people of the opposite sex, then he/she shouldn’t be married. Just my opinion.
A true friendship is one thing but flirty secretive texts with coworkers, I don’t see the point in staying. They do it once they will do it again only the next time, they will hide it better. I’ve seen too many people remain with cheaters and nothing ever changes. Just a new cycle of lies and pain.
- 2 years ago
Just one thing to add to that ^^
I’m not suggesting we all run out of our marriages the minute something like this happens but my husband would have to admit he was wrong and be remorseful. Making excuses and lying, nope. So, some effort to change would have to be on the part of my husband if I were to discover he was texting with other women. (in ways that we can all agree are inappropriate)
And if you’re engaged and seeing this behavior? Don’t even bother marrying the guy. It won’t change once you’re married.
- 2 years ago
It was so hard for me to read your story, because I was you three years ago. What I learned from my ex
1- If he acts guilty, he is. You may not know in exact detail what he’s guilty of, but he’s done something he knows you would be pissed or heartbroken over.
2- If he’s not willing to be completely transparent, and allow you to see his phone/text messages, there’s something he doesn’t want you to see. Don’t let him flip the script on you, and try to make you feel like you’re irrational/distrustful/insecure/crazy (take your pick) for wanting to see his phone. If there is nothing really going on, he would give you the phone just so you’ll leave him alone and stop nagging him about it.
3- Almost all women have this super power. It’s called our intuition. TRUST IT. Men use the “benefit of doubt” card way too often to get away with crap.
4- If you don’t trust him, it’s nearly impossible for the relationship to work long term. It’s like having to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life. You’ll never feel at peace.
- 2 years ago
Thread being closed for review due to numerous flags. Please feel free to start a new thread for support, OP.
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