(Closed) Husband thinks marriage is in trouble – any advice

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - Museum

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can only imagine how tough it is. 

From my personal experience, this seems like typical behavior for depressed people. It’s really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel during the low phases. And I do believe he’s thinking about you when he says all that, perhaps not wanting to put you through that, thinking he’s not good enough… And communicating is definitely difficult, so it seems to be couple’a counseling is a wonderful idea. It will give both of you tools to communicate and work on your relationship. 

Knowing typical depression behavior, I’d say he needs your support now (which I imagine you’ve given countless times). However, I also know how hard it is to be strong for someone else, ESPECIALLY when you also need support or reassurance. 

My best advice would be to seek counseling, trust and believe in your relationship, and love unconditionally. hugs to you!

Post # 3
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. From experience, my best suggestion is that you find out what’s going on with his medication. Perhaps he’s stopped taking it or it has stopped working for him. Remember that this is a medical condition, not a mood issue, so it’s vital to consult with a good psychiatrist. I can tell you that when your partner finds the right meds it’s like magic. Otherwise, just be there for him and find a trusted friend (or therapist) to offer you support. You can support him, but you also need someone to support you. Just reassure him that he’s enough and that the bad feelings are not reality. They are a symptom of a medical condition. I hope this helps you even a little. Hugs.

Post # 5
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Make sure he knows that you love him no matter what and the two of you will get through whatever life throws at you. It sounds like he loves you but the depression is really affecting him. I think this sounds like a call for help, not wanting to leave. For those suffering with depression, quitting seems like the easier way out, and the mental fog makes them feel as though they are impossible to love. Counseling and therapy sounds like a good thing for him right now, as does adjusting his medication. Take him to his doctor and find a good therapist for him. He needs help.

Post # 6
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

For what it’s worth… realistically I don’t think your marriage is truly in very much danger. Depression usually causes more “bottoming out” if that makes sense… Divorce is a high-energy-requirement path of action. It’s pretty unlikely he would take it because it would require a bunch of action-oriented energy that he probably doesn’t have. I am so sorry you are going through this – it must be incredibly challenging to be the “rock” in your relationship – but I also think that if you stand your ground and trust, you guys will pull through together. I would do your best to communicate unconditional love to him and get him to his psychiatrist and counselor ASAP. Good luck, honey, keep your chin up. Warmer and brighter days are coming.

Post # 7
Member
488 posts
Helper bee

Agree about seeing someone together.  I haven’t been in this situation, but my dad did go through a hard time with depression and social anxiety associated with PTSD.  He was medicated.  While I don’t think they ever got to the point of ‘this isn’t working’, I know my dad felt like a huge burden on my mum because he saw that it was hard for her seeing him that way and looking after him.  There is no way mum would have ever left him, and I’m not sure he thought she would, but his guilt and “putting her through that” was very real.  Eventually, he got through the fog with support from family, counselling, and weaning off meds (this is NOT the solution for everyone!)

As others have said, reassuring him that you are there through thick and thin is super important.  Knowing you are there no matter what will help, even if he still feels he is putting you through too much, he needs to know there is NO WAY that you will be better off without him.

All the best 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

“He said that all the criticism he internally lays at his own feet he is starting to project towards me. That he loves me and feels that all he does is take from me. That it’s too much of a one way street (example – he wants to do Passover with his family instead of go away for the weekend to a hotel which was booked as a Xmas gift)”

huh? Not really understanding your example…sounds to me like he is missing some of the family traditions and holidays he grew up with, have you both made a joint effort to share and value both religions? Although he might not be religious it sounds like he’s still nostalgic about certain things.

Post # 9
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

Talk to you husband about your committment. Talk with his doctor about his meds. Talk with a counselor about coping skills. You two can work through anything, you just need to get the right help to do so.

Post # 10
Member
1609 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

View original reply
Misstiptoes:  My husband’s best friend has depression as well. He goes through ups and downs although its mostly ups. The downs can be devastating for him. I can’t even imagine. I know that in his down periods he questions how much he takes from his wife as well and thinks his marriage is in trouble. Which is so isn’t. Is your husband in therapy? Husband’s best friend regularly goes to a therapist.

Post # 13
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

So sorry you’re going theough this. As a sufferer of bipolar who understands your husband’s worries – constantly reassure him!!Every time I feellow, I end up cracking and telling my Fiance to “just leave me” because I “ruin everything” and every time he tells me “Don’t be stupid I’m staying right here I love you”. He needs to know that he is not his illness and you are there to support him. Hoping you sort it out!

Post # 14
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
Misstiptoes:  Gosh, im so sorry you’re going through this.

I have faced depression before, I can completely relate and understand! 

To me, it sounds like your hubby is near rock bottom. He needs professional help ASAP. This is how I started thinking when I was at my lowest and seriously contemplating suicide. I don’t mean to worry you, but depression really screws with your head.

i started thinking I was worthless, life is pointless, im just going to pass this awful disease to my future children and I don’t want them to suffer so I should just end it now, etc. It was awful and hard to get through. 

I was taking Wellbutrin, cymbalta and Dexedrine (for energy) when I finally came out of it. Maybe he needs to change meds or up his dose. Make sure he is taking his meds. 

Also, seeing a GP didn’t help me much. He didn’t prescribe very good meds and didn’t address my major fatigue. Seeing a psychiatrist was the key to my recovery. He listened when I needed to talk and prescribed better meds in better doses and address my issues of fatigue, etc.

now years later, I find out I have celiac disease and I have serious nutrient deficiencies. I have iron and b12 deficiciencies so I’m taking supplements and getting injections. It is improving a lot of these symptoms, so I wonder if these caused my depression years ago. Nutrition is definitely linked to depression.

so I highly recommend getting nutrient levels checked, as taking antidepressants is just a bandaid in this case. And be warned doctors think 150ish level of b12 is ok. its not. It should be 900-1000. 

If nutrients are def not the issue, get different meds and see a psychiatrist. It might cost a lot, but it is so worth it. It will keep him working, improve his work performance and save your relationship.

i also wanted to say thank you for being a supportive spouse. He needs you to stick with him in this hard time. he will come out of it in time.

Best wishes to you and your man. And sorry about the miscarriage. *hugs*

Post # 15
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

In response to your most recent note, please don’t be afraid to call his doctors and speak to them about the state he is in. men tend to downplay their symptoms. Let the doctor know everything and you could even visit the doctor without him, if it helps. You coule also use some support in this too. Look into depression support groups for frienda and family. 

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