Husband told me he may never want kids.

posted 7 months ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

The situation of children/no children is a tricky one because you’re not wrong for wanting kids and he’s not wrong for not wanting kids. Frankly I’d say you both messed up by not having a serious conversation about this before getting married (and I know plenty of people who said they wanted kids back in high school but changed their minds as adults so that doesn’t count). 

But coulda, woulda, shoulda. Now it’s up to you to decide what you want to do. If you really love him and can’t see yourself with anyone else, you might have to settle for him never having children with you. Otherwise you’ll have to let him go and find someone who will.

For the record I was 25 when I started dating FI so you have time to find someone. 

Post # 17
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

I am simply devastated for you.  In my book, what he said to you about 30 pounds and stretch marks borders on unforgivable.  So, so cruel.  The fact that you love him is, to me, irrelevant in this situation.  You want kids very badly, and he has stated his position that he does not.  And not knowing what he may decide in the future is also irrelevant to me at this point.  Given the current situation, my decision would be to end the marriage.

Post # 18
Member
1687 posts
Bumble bee

As other posters have said, I don’t think your major issue is that your OH doesn’t want kids.  Your major issue is this: “why would I want to watch you gain 30 pounds and break out in stretch marks over a child I don’t want”

Your husband appears to view you as some kind of ‘belonging’ that needs to be kept in good condition, not as a wife to love, encourage and partner with in life.  

It also seems that you married very young, perhaps before either of you were old enough to fully understand what you wanted out of life.  I would recommend getting some counselling asap to help you work out the best way forward.

 

Post # 19
Member
8031 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If he had just come to a decision about not wanting kids, I’d have less more hesitation. But his comment about 30lbs and stretch marks is gross and you don’t have any kind of quality man there worth keeping. Throw the whole man away and start over. Do it now, while you have plenty of time, don’t waste more time on him. 

Post # 20
Member
744 posts
Busy bee

There are medical conditions that can cause you to gain weight aside from pregnancy, and it can happen to men as well. We never know what life will throw at us, and marriage is supposed to be about loving someone beyond the physical. Everyone’s body changes as they get older. I suppose he still has the naivety of youth and doesn’t realize that at some point his balls will sag and he might lose his hair. His comments about the body changes that come with pregnancy are just straight up gross. 

OP, I really feel for you. This isn’t an issue that either of you can really compromise on, and it’s 100% fair to consider it a deal breaker. You are correct, he absolutely should not have kids if he doesn’t want them, and you should not sacrifice your dream of motherhood for him. I have no advice, just sending hugs. I’m sorry it went this way. 

Post # 21
Member
9445 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@flower2019:  don’t procreate with someone who focuses in on how your body will change during pregnancy. That’s just gross and immature. 

A real man will watch that baby come out, help you to the bathroom when you can barely waddle there yourself after said baby came out, get you creams to help with cracked nipples, and still at the end of the day think “she’s the most beautiful creature on the planet”. 

Post # 22
Member
3158 posts
Sugar bee

Regardless of how young you were when you got together, this man married you knowing that becoming a mother was your “#1 goal.” If he was old enough to commit to marriage then he was old enough to understand how important this was to you.

Yes he is allowed to change his mind but the way he’s going about this sounds really callous and cruel to me, and says a lot about his character.  

The comment about stretch marks and weight gain… like that’s the way you break the news that you never want kids to your wife, whom you know wants to be a mom more than anything else in the world? That’s fucked and indefensible. 

 

I’m so sorry OP. I don’t know what your health issue is, so maybe this isn’t true for you, but in most cases fertility doesn’t change much over a span of just a few years. At your age you could start over with someone new and still be a relatively young mom. 

Post # 23
Member
1899 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

You’ve been together since you were teenagers and it sounds like you have grown in different directions in terms of what you want in life. Also, based on how he delivered the news, waiting so long to tell you, etc. it sounds like this may not be the only issue in your relationship, but perhaps the most significant one. Obviously, that is devastating for you and I am so sorry. There are not really any words to say that can make this situation better. It sounds like you know what you need to do but after 10 years together it’s going to be hard to initiate a divorce. I wish you all good things, and I hope that you are able to start over with someone who shares your goal of parenthood. 

Post # 24
Member
24 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@flower2019: if you divorced him today, you could still meet and marry the future father of your children in the next 2-3 years. Don’t wait a second or you’re just putting off your future and your fertility at risk. Your husband doesn’t want the things you do and he told you very clearly, which is fine, but it means he’s not the man for you. Worst case scenario, look into donor sperm and IUI after the divorce.

Post # 25
Member
14175 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You two may have gotten together as children but you were adults when you married two years ago. If he was old enough to marry then he was old enough to know what kind of serious commitment he was making to you when he agreed to children.

It may have been inevitable for people who got together and married way too young to grow apart in many ways, but what he’s done is disgraceful, even more so considering your potential fertility issues. And then to add insult to injury by lashing out with his comment about how your potential pregnancy weight gain would affect him? Disgusting. 

Do you really want to be with someone like this at all? Would you choose him if you were dating now? 

Post # 26
Member
2887 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@flower2019:  If being a mom is your number one goal in life then I’d say you need to leave. Someone who feels the way your husband feels (going by his comment), isn’t going to suddenly change that view in 2 years.

My husband and I have some experience with this same situation, but in reverse. I always wanted children. I wanted at least 4. As I got older, my views changed and I thought maybe just 3, then maybe just 2. After being married for 1.5 years I was having so much fun with my husband, that I thought maybe I shouldn’t have any at all. I have PCOS, and had been told that I may never have children or it may be difficult for me to conceive and carry to term. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 26, got married at 27, so my biological clock was ticking loudly with my age and condition, and I hated the feeling that I’d have to TTC before I was ready because of it. I told my husband and he was understandably upset. We had a few terse conversations, and though I’d always been honest, he felt I’d crawfished and hadn’t told the truth when I said I wanted children in the beginning. He eventually said that he wanted our relationship more than children, but hoped I’d change my mind. 

I really struggled with this for months. Then, my period was late, and I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, but looking at it made me realize I had half-hoped it’d be positive. I realized all of my reservations were out of fear. Fear about money, my ability to be a mom, our ability to raise a well behaved child that grew to be a kind and contributing member of society, and a huge fear of having my child go to daycare (my mom was a SAHM). So, we decided to try, and I now have a 4 month old I love with my entire being. 

There are a few big things here. You’re both young, so his desire to have children while young was a far off idea, something he didn’t have to think of practically, and that definitely could have changed in the 10 years you’ve been together. If you’re in your early twenties, are you saying you met at 14 or even younger? If so, you can’t really count that in the years together, you were children. Children can’t be in a romantic relationship. But you also can’t hold the views he held about children as solid then, because again you were actual children. Now, if he’s known for a while bow that his views had changed, especially if he knew before you got married, then that was wrong of him. I suspect this, mainly because of the comment he made. I would leave for that, if you believe it to be the case. 

If he’s just suddenly changed his mind and told you as soon as he did, then he’s been honest and can’t be faulted for it, but you should probably still leave, because he doesn’t sound like he’s on the fence at all, but firmly in the no kids camp. 

Post # 27
Member
8020 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Does he often speak to you this way? That alone would be a dealbreaker for me. Shit happens. What if you were in an accident and ended up scarred–you’d no longer be “wife” material? Or received a cancer diagnosis, etc.? Whether you have children or not he doesn’t sound committed to “for better or worse…in sickness and in health…” 

I’d schedule counseling for yourself immediately. With your individual therapist decide if couples counseling is even worth it. I’m sorry, Bee. I can’t imagine how you move forward with someone so awful. 

Post # 28
Member
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
@flower2019:  “why would I want to watch you gain 30 pounds and break out in stretch marks over a child I don’t want”

^^^ Is that a real quote? Are those actual words your husband said, out loud, to your face?

If so, this man has given you a gift, Bee. He has shown his character and if motherhood is something truly important to you, you have your answer. You don’t want to throw away a ten year relationship on the offchance he may change his mind again, but do you also want to be with a man who says stuff like this to you? Weight gain can happen for a number of reasons, pregnancy or not. 

If that’s a real quote, that is a disgusting thing to say to your wife and it shows his character. A man who doesn’t want you to gain thirty pounds over a child he doesn’t want, probably wouldn’t be supportive if you ever gained weight for any other reason. 

I will say, people are allowed to change their minds about wanting children. But you’re also allowed to say that being a mother is a dealbreaker for you, guilt free. If being a mother is important, you shouldn’t give that up for this dude. 

Post # 29
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - Oak Brook, IL

Don’t give up your lifelong dream for this asshole. Judging by the way he talks to you, he is unfit to be a father anyway. 

Other posters telling you to get a divorce might sound callous, but they’re right. If being a mother is something you want more than anything, you should find a partner that supports and shares that dream. There are plenty of nice men out there that want to be fathers.

Your husband sounds very certain that he doesn’t want children, and you’re not going to change his mind. In this case it’s best to cut your losses and move on. 

Post # 30
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I got divorced at age 32 from my husband who was pushing back our ttc timeline.  I was remarried and pregnant at 35, and we are working on #2 now.  My husband is the most amazing partner and dad ever ever.

Find someone who wants kids as much as you!  Having the kid is just the first step…. kids are HARD WORK, and when it’s 2 am and your toddler is puking on you, you need a partner who is all in.

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