Husband told me he may never want kids.

posted 7 months ago in No Kids
Post # 31
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t have any answers for you but I would be curious to know if this is about raising actual children or if this is a fear of you changing physically based on 

 

“why would I want to watch you gain 30 pounds and break out in stretch marks over a child I don’t want”

 

If it’s the latter, has he considered that, kids or no kids, people change in appearance as they age? You will. He will. If this is the true reason, this would bother me quite a bit. What happens when you have grey hairs and are 15-20 lbs heavier in 25 years simply because you’re older? What then? 

Post # 32
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@flower2019:  You should leave him.  You should never be stay with a man who plans to be cruel to you.  You should never stay with a man who is telling you plainly that you can have him or your dreams, but not both. 

You should never stay with a man who is perfectly fine running out your fertility clock. The older you get, the more you’ll hear stories from women of men who didn’t want kids or more kids, but broke up with them in their 40s only to have children with a woman 10-15 years younger.  He won’t have to make a final decision on kids for a couple of decades.  Those are years you don’t have. 

If you think a man who is willing to threaten/ critique you IN ADVANCE about weight gain wouldn’t leave you when he decides to have children… you’re wrong.

Post # 33
Member
757 posts
Busy bee

This can be the trouble with meeting your partner really early in life – most teenagers just don’t KNOW what they’ll want as an adult. And even if they think they do, so much can change once they realize what being an adult is actually like. I didn’t even decide whether I wanted kids or not until this year and I’m 34.

But besides that – the stretch marks comment is absolutely disgusting and childish. I wouldn’t even want to have kids with a man that would say that out loud. 

 

Post # 34
Hostess
5046 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@tinytimbo:  I agree completely, and I met my DH at 18 (married at 27 though).  I’m pregnant now and have been so hard on myself for my changing body, and DH has been my rock through it all.  If he had the same disgusting attitude as OP’s spouse, I never would stayed with him, let alone had children with him.  

OP, I am so very sorry you’re going through this.  You seem to be falling into the sunk cost fallacy.  Yes you’ve spent 10 years with this man (I get it, DH and I have been together 13 years), but you shouldn’t have to give up your #1 dream in life to make the relationship work.  That is just far too great a sacrifice IMO.  I second PP who suggested individual counseling for yourself so you can figure out how you’d like to proceed from here.  I would not give him another two years hoping that he’d change his mind, especially after his comments, but it is not my relationship. 

Post # 35
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Whatever you do I would be very deliberate and serious about it. Sit him down and say that kids aren’t negotiable for you and that you aren’t willing or able to wait another 2 years for kids only for him to say he doesn’t want them still. If that’s the case you are going to need to divorce and find someone who does want kids. Tell him that you are signing you two up for couples therapy next week and then give yourself a timeline. Therapy for 4 months and if there hasn’t been a resolution by then, you get a divorce and find someone who wants kids. Don’t let time slide by on this. Do your best to work hard to resolve it now. 

Post # 36
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

One thing that i think is really important to consider is that “someday” is not a real day. When you’re in a relationship and someone says “I want kids/marriage/a house…someday”- that means they’re like “yes i suppose eventually this thing will just happen to me, and in that someday I’ll be the kind of person who wants that”. Its very easy to look ahead into the looking glass and be like “sure I’ll have a white picket fence and 2.5 kids and mortgage” when you feel like that’s far off. It can be good to ask people more follow up than “do you want kids”, and jump to things like “how old do you want to be when you’re a father?” “what would make you feel ready to have a kid?”

You have time now to find someone who wants what you want. I wouldn’t recommend wasting it trying to change this guy’s mind. He can drag it out indefinitely and win, you can’t.

Post # 37
Member
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

“why would I want to watch you gain 30 pounds and break out in stretch marks over a child I don’t want”

 

Wow. OK, ignoring for a second that this is an incredibly rude to say- the changes in your body, whatever they may be, are completely incidental in relation to the ramifications of raising a child you do not want.

 

There is nothing you could do to negatively impact your appearance that could ever compare to the psychological damage you would unleash on a child who knew he/she wasn’t wanted. That’s like saying, it’s bad enough that I have terminal brain cancer but now that the cable company is raising their rates, I’m really hosed. Um sure, the second one is minorly inconvenient but um, when you consider the first one it kind of really doesn’t matter.

 

I would take his words to mean that even if you do have kids, he won’t be a very active partner because this was “your” idea, and he already sacrificed by dealing with a potentially less attractive “you” for nine months.

 

I don’t really think there’s much he could have said that is worse than what he did say.

 

ETA:

I devote everything to him I can’t wrap my mind around the fact he would be okay with letting us get a divorce and starting over.

 

while I know this would be devastating to you, it IS better that he would agree to a divorce and starting over rather than agreeing to have a kid just to keep you in the marriage. That wouldn’t be fair to anyone, least of all the potential kid.

Post # 38
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You say you don’t want to leave him on the chance he may change his mind, but I’d argue you cannot afford to stay with him on the chance he may change his mind. 

He sounds like an awful human being in all sorts of ways, OP. Why subject yourself to his attitude AND abandoning your dream? You will only grow to resent him more. Get out now and find the life that’s waiting for you without him.

Post # 39
Member
744 posts
Busy bee

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@missinthecity:  Love to hear about husbands supportive through those kinds of changes. You are carrying his child, the changes that are hapoening to your body are a sacrifice for him, and it should just endear you to him and make all the more attracted to you and strengthen your bond. Cimments like the OP husband’s made just make him a pig, straight up. 

Post # 40
Hostess
5046 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@unicornwolf:  I agree completely!  DH has been even more sweet and affectionate during my pregnancy than he was before.  

Post # 41
Member
2145 posts
Buzzing bee

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@flower2019:  You are not lost. You know exactly what to do, you just don’t want to do it. 

Your husband has told you he does not want kids. I know that hurts and it’s an awful reality, but it IS your reality. You do not and should not be waiting 2-3 years ‘just in case he changes his mind’. You do not wait at all. You end the relationship. 

I have an inkling of what’s going on. You got together with your husband when you were very, very young. All you both know is each other. You got married as you were probably expected to do, and again at an extremely young age. Your husband probably does not want to be tied down any further. He might not even want to be married anymore. He might want a chance to get out and experience life without a wife, children, or any other responsibilities. For him to speak to you the way he did and to tell you he doesn’t want what he knows is clearly a dealbreaker for you…I think he might just want out. 

My advice is to have a final serious conversation with him. About children, and about your marriage. And before telling him what you want and what you need, actually LISTEN to him talk about his own wants and needs. He has every right to change his mind about not wanting kids. He has every right to want his own life to go in a different direction than it has been. I suggest making an appt with a marriage counselor and talking it through there if you can. I suspect there is more to this and the sooner you know, the better. 

One last thing. Many people have had relationships at a young age. The vast majority looking back from adulthood with a greater sense of self and of relationships in general are glad they didn’t marry back then. So if your marriage does end up failing, even though it will be heartbreaking and awful, you are likely to find greater happiness in the future than you have now, and be grateful you went through it all. 

Post # 42
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Okay. It’s absolutely fine to not want kids. It’s also absolutely fine to change your mind about having kids. What is not okay is the way he has handled this situation with the person he supposedly loves. The way I see it one of two things are going on here: Either he always knew how he felt and didn’t tell you, or he didn’t quite know how he felt about it and didn’t tell you that either—I find the scenario wherein he went from 100% wanting kids to 100% not wanting them in the space of twenty four hours extremely unlikely. Either way, he sat on that information until he knew voicing his opinion would effectively come across as an ultimatum, and he would get the result he wanted without having to be the “bad guy” for telling the truth ten years ago. As a result he’s put you in a fucking terrible position, which NO ONE who loves you would ever so to you. On top of that, his attitude sucks (thirty pounds and stretch marks? Was that necessary?). He’s banking on the fact that you love him too much to sacrifice your relationship with him for what you really want in life. My advice? Don’t prove him right! If I were you, I’d take shit into my own hands and look into freezing my eggs. Extend some of the compassion he’s refusing to show you to yourself. Knowing what you really want is most of the battle when it comes to being an adult. You’ve got that part covered. Let him flounder around on his own time. 

Post # 43
Member
15528 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If you’re in your early 20’s then it sounds like you have time to get out now before it’s really too late.  So you met and started counting your years in your early teens?  I mean, yes, it’s time “together”, but also, you were just kids, and sorry, but it just for lack of better way to put it, does count as much as say someone who was together from 25-35 saying they wasted 10 years.  A lot can change, and it does sound like it has and maybe your paths just werent meant to be togehter, but you just got married too soon before really learning what you two wanted.   And not sure what your health condition is, if it’s carrying a child or egg quality, or something else… but if it’s about your eggs, you could try to retreive and freeze some now? 

Post # 44
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t say this lightly as I know he’s your husband but you need to leave him, like yesterday.

What is more important: staying with your husband or being a mom?

Hes forcing you to make that choice and to me the answer is obvious. No man is worth giving up the life goals you have for yourself, especially being a mom since it’s time-sensitive and not guaranteed.

You haven’t dated anyone else so he is probably all you know. You settled down really young and now you’ve grown apart. 

He sounds really immature. And he seems like a shitty person to have said what he did to you. I don’t think I could forgive him for what he said.

I think you need to take some time to come to terms with this. And then act on your decision. You don’t have time to waste.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but I think things happen for a reason and you needed to go through this to make a better life for yourself. Good luck 

Post # 45
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

And PS- when a man tells you he doesn’t want kids, believe him. Take it as his final answer. This is the information that you have to work with 

You don’t want to take his word for it right now because you’re hoping with time he will change his mind. 

Believe what he’s telling you. He’s not going to change his mind. Even if he did, it wouldn’t be on the timeline you need so you will still be incompatible.

Don’t waste two more years holding your breath. You will never forgive yourself if you lose out on having kids biologically because you didn’t listen to him 

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