(Closed) Husband touches me even after I've told him to stop

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
4089 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

..you do realize that is sexual assault?  He has absolutely no right to touch you  or be putting his hands inside you when you don’t want him to.

Post # 3
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

anonbee97531:  He sounds immature. Can you sit down and have a serious talk with him? Like over dinner or something–not during a “touching” time. 

Post # 4
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

Couple’s therapy. If you want to save the marriage. But yes, this is sexual assault. He’s your husband. He should respect your wishes.

Either do the therapy or sit him down and explain to him that you view it as an assualt after you’ve asked him to stop. You’re not saying you don’t want to be intimate, but you are not his sexual object. He can’t manhandle you whenever he chooses.

Post # 5
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You do NOT need to put up with this and be ok with this.  I would be PISSED.  And I agree with the poster who said this is sexual assault.  I don’t care that he is your husband, he has NO RIGHT to touch you when you do not want him to touch you.  He sounds like an immature jackass who does not put you first or respect you.  Next time this happens, leave.  Physically get up and leave your house.  Do not let him follow you.  Just go take a walk.  When you get back tell him EXACTLY how it feels to be violated like that by your own husband, the man you are supposed to trust most in the world.  Do not hold anything back.

If it persists after you have talked to him and tell him you feel violated, then you seriously need to reconsider this marriage.  What he is doing IS assault.  He is violating you and thinks it is funny.  Aren’t you sick of this yet?

Post # 7
Member
7681 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonbee97531:  You need to tell him THIS:

“It pisses me off and upsets me. To him he’s just being playful and showing me he wants me. But to me he’s disrespecting me and violating me. Our marriage is honestly great in every other aspect. This is the one and only thing we argue over.”

 

Post # 8
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

i wonder where the fuck this stems from.. like why does he think this is ok behaviour…

Post # 9
Member
9897 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You need to be very direct with him. Tell him that you feel he is disrespecting/violating you and that is is sexual assault and needs to stop.

Post # 10
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d have injured him by now – seriously. You should consider couple’s counseling so that someone else can tell him he’s being a creep.

Post # 11
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

This is absolutely assault and it’s very psychologically damaging. I would suggest couples therapy, and if that doesn’t work I would separate, especially if it gets to the point where you don’t feel safe around him anymore. 

Post # 12
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

anonbee97531:  But…even though this is the “only thing” you fight over, it’s a pretty big thing.  I would expect a horny 20-year-old to do the things you are talking about but a man who is married doing that to his wife is insane.  It shows his true colors.  It shows that he actually does not respect you or your wishes.  I know ending a marriage over this seems like a big deal, but THIS is a big deal.  Him continuing to do this despite you having told him you don’t like it is horrible.  He isn’t listening to you or hearing you.  He isn’t even making an EFFORT to listen to you or hear you.

Post # 13
Member
1031 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - His Way Church & Chesapeake Room @ Downs Park

anonbee97531:  On the one hand, I understand that if you say, “Stop” he should stop. So he’s definitely being an asshole on that respect.

On the other hand, you need to make it a bit more cut and dry for him and define what is not okay and what is. You can’t tell him “it’s okay sometimes but not all the time” because he won’t know when he can do it and when he can’t. And making it okay sometimes will just make it so that he will keep trying to do it until its okay. I don’t know if that makes any sense but I hope you understand what I’m saying.

If it were me, instead of saying “it” is okay sometimes and not okay other times, I would make him aware that certain ways he touches you is never okay without your consent. I would define it clear enough and say that putting your hand on my crotch is not okay, trying to remove my clothes is not okay. Whereas touching my ass on the outside of my pants is okay.

After telling him this, give him a trial/error period and when other ways of touching you come up, define those for him too. Then when he is aware of everything, give him maybe of month and see how he does now that you’ve given him the information. And make it clear that within that months time if you don’t see improvement or an effort to change, consequences will happen.

Good luck bee!

Post # 14
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Does he do this while you are trying to do dishes aswell? 

Post # 15
Member
261 posts
Helper bee

My boyfriend doesn’t do quite the same thing to me, but I have had to set some boundaries with him about similar things. He likes to slap my butt, which occasionally is fun & playful & to some extent I enjoy. But after we first moved in together, he was doing it so often that it got REALLY old. Like, every time I bent over or walked past him he would slap my butt. I got mad at him a few times & told him how much it bothered me. I explained that I generally love him touching me and I don’t mind the butt-slapping as an occasional thing, but that when it’s constant it makes me feel like I have no control or ownership over the integrity of my body and that’s really upsetting. He understood when I explained it that way and has been much better about restricting himself to only doing it on occasion rather than all the time. 

This is a situation where you need to sit him down in a calm moment & have a serious discussion about it unconnected to anything that’s just happened in the moment. It’s one thing to get mad at him right after he’s just done it, but I think when you bring it up in a serious way when he hasn’t just done it then that will really show him how much it bothers you and what a big issue it is. Tell him you need to have ownership over your own body and have control over how & when it is touched, especially in a sexual way. 

Understand also that changing behaviors is a process, and this is probably so habitual for him that it’ll take some time for him to train himself not to do it. Maybe you guys can discuss something he can do instead to replace the behavior, like tell you that he wants you instead, or touch you in a less sexual way that will still show his interest while not feeling like such a violation. And then if he slips up and does it out of habit, you can remind him like, “remember, we agreed you’d do X instead.” But he also needs to be committed to changing himself and trying to police himself as well. 

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