(Closed) Husband very concerned about his friend (girl)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 4
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Coolmint:  I’m a little confused, is this friend overseas (not in the US)?  Are your husband and her close friends?  When you say ex-crush, do you mean he used to have a crush or her or vice versa?  How long has this been going on?  I am only making assumptions, but I personally would find it strange if my husband started going out of his way to comfort a friend after a death in the family; especially if they weren’t particularly close to begin with or if my husband used to have a crush on this person.   

Post # 5
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Coolmint:  Be honest with your husband about how you feel.  You should always come first, although it is fine to have friends, it is not fine to put the needs of friends above the needs of your spouse.

Ask him to please consider your feelings in this situation as well.  If he continues forming a closer and closer bond with her it could lead to emotional cheating and you don’t want to have to deal with that.  Emotional cheating also can lead to physical cheating eventually. 

I wouldn’t accuse him of doing anything wrong but I would be very honest with him that his over-concern and interest in his female friend is coming between you.  She doesn’t need to be depending on someone else’s husband for support, she needs to depend on her own friends, family and get a counselor on her own.  Your husband isn’t a qualified counselor, I assume.

Talk to him!

Post # 6
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Sunfire:  Exactly! It is a hard time for her, but she must have other people to turn to besides a former “flame”. Your husband and her aren’t stupid, grown men and grown woman CAN be friends, but it’s hard to seperate the feelings of friendship and romance, especially when emotions are running so high.

You are his #1! I would feel very uncomfortable and hurt with the situation too. He is your husband, he shouldn’t put you in a position where you have to feel this way. If she wants to find comfort in YOU, than that’s different, but finding comfort in your husband, spending time alone together, talking late at night.. no. Sorry, doesn’t matter what she’s going through, that’s crossing a line into the danger zone, where they’ll get more and more comfortable with one another and feelings will start to grow.

You seem like such a sweet person, trying to think of everyone’s feelings, but you need to think of your own, and you need to put your marriage first. It may not be in termoil YET, but this is a pretty vulnerable state your husband and friend are putting themselves in, and it could change quickly.

Post # 7
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Coolmint:  Your husband is not going to cheat on you with a friend. Think about it this way: if the friend was a guy would you also feel this way ? 

Post # 8
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@karineh:  right but if the friend was a guy, there probably wouldn’t be an ex-crush situation.

Post # 9
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@housebee:  Yeah, I agree, it’s not the same. The fact is, it is a woman, and a woman who has either had feelings for him, or he has had feelings for him. :S

Post # 10
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Perhaps a different perspective…I think that sometimes a loss that close to any friend – close, distant, what have you – can (and often does) affects people in many different ways.  When I lost my mom, the reactions I had gotten from friends were very different.  I had friends whom distanced themselves from me more (I think for lack of knowing what to do), friends whom felt the need to ‘take care of me’ – constantly calling/making meals/trying to get me out, etc, and friends whom grieved the loss as if it were there own (again, I think because they were now imagining losing their own parent, and projecting that into my grief?!).  All or none of these could explain how or why your Darling Husband is doing, and being the way he is with his ex-crush. 

Furthemore, although I was/am in a healthy relationship with my SO, I had an ex/dear friend whom was as much a part of the process as my SO.  He was even a pallbearer (the only non-family member).  The reason my SO was not, is because I selfishly wanted him by my side the entire time.  REGARDLESS, this ex/dear friend is still an essential part to my grieving process, HOWEVER, he has not infringed on my relationship with my SO.  My SO is very much OK with it all…had he not been, I would have respected my SO’s feelings.

And that is the difference with what you wrote vs, my experience.  I think if you are communicating a feeling – even if it stems down to jealousy, then your Darling Husband owes you his take on things.  As you said, I also think he is coming from a place of supporting his FRIEND thru a terrible loss in the only ways he may know how, you also need to be 100% comfortable too!  Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@housebee:  if an ex crush is an issue, after you are married, there are trust issues. 

Post # 12
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@karineh:  yeah I’d agree there would have to be trust issues, otherwise I can’t imagine it would be interrupting their personal life as much as the OP said it has.

Post # 13
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@karineh:  The friend is a girl that her husband had been carrying a flame for. He had a crush on her, and probably stayed friends with her out of hope that she would someday want to be more then friends. 

In my opinion if this friend with the same scenario was a male, who he had previously had a crsuh on, I’m sure OP would be just as bothered.

It’s not about the gender, it’s about the unrequited feelings, and this friend now being in a very emotional place, it may escalate their feelings.

Post # 14
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@drummerbride: 

“probably stayed friends with her out of hope that she would someday want to be more then friends” 

and I guess while he waited, he decided to marry someone else and share a life with her ? Right ? Because, I guess you can get a pretty affordable divorce these days, right ? 

That is some extreme hypothetical. 

 

Post # 15
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think we’re all making assumptions here, until OP clarifies these things, I don’t think any of us can really see what’s going on.

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