(Closed) Husband Visits Middle School Crush Abroad

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I do not think it needs to be one extreme (he is having an affair) to the other extreme (this was totally cool and now you are just trying to control him). 

I dont think anyone in their right mind would have an issue with their spouse grabbing dinner with anyone as long as there is some communication and I think thats what is wrong here and what makes it seem suspicious. There should have been more communication just our of respect. My husband would have some questions if I just randomly told him I am having dinner with an old friend who I have not talked to in years but “oh hey I am right outside the restaurant about to go in like now.”

It is just weird how her husband went about it. I am still curious as to how OP knew her husband had a crush on this girl. 

Post # 32
Member
681 posts
Busy bee

Hey OP, not to dismiss your feelings, but any chance your husband posted on social media that he would be abroad?

I remember posting that I was back visiting my parents and got a message from a highschool friend that I hadn’t talked to since I graduated 10 years + ago. We grabbed a drink. We caught up on life – he was engaged, good job, loving life. He had reached out because I post skiing/outdoorsy pictures every few weeks on Facebook and he wanted to ask about planning a trip with his fiance out to Alberta.

It was a nice catch up with somebody I was friendly with years ago. I have no idea about how/when he told his fiance though.

Post # 33
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

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mrsssb :  Yes, everything you just said! I’ve been in this situation before with exes, where suddenly they’re calling or hanging out with an old “friend” who they failed to mention ever before during the 2-3 years we’d been dating. Super sketchy.

And I agree, if I’ve been with someone 2+ years and this friend has never been mentioned, then they are not important enough for a one-on-one date, and certainly not important enough for making your partner question their trust in you. 

Post # 34
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee

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misslucy :  100% agree with you! Plus, it seems like they had originally planned for him to meet up with not just this old friend, but also her family and that could have legitimately fallen through for whatever reason. Or maybe it was the old friend’s doing. In either of those situations, the whole thing does not sound like a date.

But if OP thinks that this was something her husband made up, then there are bigger trust issues here that they need to talk about or get marriage counseling to resolve.

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krm1984 :  I think that your definition of appropriate alone time is just way different than mine or misslucy’s based on what misslucy said. I can and have regularly spent 3+ hours of time in a restaurant or coffeeshop catching up with friends, especially if we haven’t seen each other in a long time. My fiance is an introvert and not super talkative, but he still spends 2+ hours catching up with old friends when they are in town or he is visiting the town that they are in. Just from having had a lot of these types of interactions, I think that it’s quite plausible OP’s DH and his old friend were chatting about their own lives and also the lives of all the people they used to know and be friends with.

I also personally think that if this was a romantic type of get-together, he wouldn’t have told his wife before it happened. Especially since he is in a different country. It’s not like he was acoss town where someone could have seen him. I would give him the benefit of the doubt that this could easily have been planned last-minute, especially if her DH has been posting on social media about where he is or connecting with people over social media to hang out. It doesn’t sound like he and this old friend are in regular communication at all. Or maybe he was having an otherwise busy day or few days taking care of his grandparents and forgot to mention it. I have no idea. But if OP is concerned about why she wasn’t told this well before the get-together, I’d recommend just asking her DH about it…that’s what I’d do with my fiance, just have an open and respectful conversation.

Also, to speak more about honesty… OP’s DH could easily have just told OP that this was a middle school friend and not told her about the crush part if he had wanted to hide something. The fact that he told her that this was his old crush from 15 years ago (when they were what? 13?) makes me think that he is just being very honest with her. I have a crush from middle school who is definitely not my crush anymore. And if that crush had been anything significant, we would have dated at some point. There is a significant difference between an old crush and an old girlfriend. A crush is something that never happened, usually because both people didn’t feel that way about each other. It’s not like these two actually have a romantic past.

But I guess it boils down to how you see the situation and what your relationship is like. I wouldn’t have a problem if my fiance did what OP describes, as long as he told me about it (which OP’s DH did) and didn’t seem like he was trying to hide anything. Cheating takes two willing people and someone who is trying to cheat isn’t going to be forthright about things.

Post # 35
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

I don’t think I’d find this a big deal, and I certainly wouldn’t class it as a date, as a few PPs have called it.

I get feeling a bit miffed that you’re at home struggling with the baby while he’s out having a fun evening, but that’s about as far as it would go with me.

The crush thing is a non-issue. It was middle school, they were children. Do you still fancy the person you did when you were 13? I know I don’t!

I think maybe let him know that you felt a bit uncomfortable with the short notice, but the whole thing sounds fairly innocuous to me.

 

Post # 36
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee

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MissMarple :  Admittedly, my husband and I don’t have many friends of the opposite sex.  The ones we do have are couples that we hang out with together, so one-on-one time isn’t really an issue for us.  So in that respect, this is a situation that I don’t have experience navigating, which is why it raises red flags for me – since neither of us ever do this, if we did, it would raise eyebrows.  I absolutely recognize that this may not be the case for everyone, but personally speaking, that’s my perspective.

Only the OP knows whether this is standard behavior or not, but it seems like her spidey senses were tingling. 

Post # 37
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee

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jellybellynelly :  Completely agree. Or if Joe posts a status about being with his grandparents or a photo of them, and then Mary sees it and messages him to just casually get together. It wouldn’t necessarily mean that either of them had any ulterior motive. IME people in general love to get together to as 
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misslucy :  said “compare notes” on mutual friends/acquaintences. Most people love some good gossip (even if they claim that they do not).

Post # 38
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

OP you have every right to be angry. You’re not  “overreacting and hormonal”. This is not an old friend. This is someone he hasn’t seen or spoken to in 15 years. Why would he be interested in spending time with her now? Why didn’t he tell you? Her family conveniently couldn’t be there? IF she is an old friend, why didn’t he catch up with any other old friends from middle school? 

Post # 39
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

OP, this just sounds weird all around. 

I’m trying (and failing) to relate to your husband’s point of view. I haven’t spoken to my middle school crush since, well, middle school. It’s been almost 20 years. I have no desire to catch up with him. I just don’t care. His parents and my parents still live in the same hometown, and my mom runs into his mom sometimes at the grocery store. They chit chat and ask how each other’s kids are doing and stuff, so I occasionally hear an update about him from my mom. But I still don’t feel the need to reach out to this guy. He lives in another state now, and if I go and visit that state, I’m still not going to look him up. This person hasn’t been in my life for 20 years, and I don’t see any reason to change that now. I’m happily married, and I have plenty of other friends that I barely have time to get together with as it is. 

My opinion about your husband’s situation is that most likely, nothing untoward happened and they just caught up and had a nice time. But I just keep circling back to WHY? What’s the point in catching up with someone you haven’t spoken to in years and don’t plan to keep in regular contact with? Why arrange this meeting at all when you know it will upset your wife? (And I’m sure he knew, since he waited until last minute to tell you.) It seems like a lot of risk for very minimal reward. 

If I pulled something like this, my husband would be so angry that he’d be threatening divorce. (However, we have relatively strict boundaries regarding interactions with the opposite sex, a big one being no one-on-one friend dates. So this would be a very egregious transgression for us.) I’m not saying you have to be that extreme, but don’t let this slide. Explain to him why this upset you, why you think it was inappropriate, and why you will not tolerate stuff like this in the future. It doesn’t matter whether or not he agrees with how you feel; you’re his wife, so your feelings should come first. Period. Especially over the feelings of an old “friend” who is barely at acquaintance level at this point. 

Post # 40
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee

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krm1984 :  I think it’s definitely worth a conversation between them because OP felt that way about it, but without any amped up feelings or accusations so that OP can really determine how her partner is behaving and how forthright he is being.

There are certainly multiple legitimate ways to see this situation, though. My fiance and I both have friends of either gender (or are non-binary). And I also will admit that my instinct is to get jealous. But at the same time, over the many years that we have been together, I have seen who he is and I’d trust him even with a naked person right on top of him. Plus, there isn’t really a leg to stand on when I have 1:1 hangouts with guy friends on occasion. So I just think of it in terms of if I can have guy friends, he can have women as friends. The funny thing is that my fiance’s female friends very readily become my friends…sometimes developing a closer relationship with me than they had with him. Luckily for me, we usually socialize together and he doesn’t hold it against me if this happens!

Post # 41
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee

If he’s supposed to be taking care of sick grandparents, how the hell did he have 3 free hours away to do something leisurely? If they’re sick enough to require someone to travel abroad to oversee them, I’d think they were in need of round-the-clock care that would not allow for a 3 hour fun-fest…

these are just my thoughts, but I don’t think you’re overreacting. pissed is a mild reaction in this scenario, IMO. especially given that your baby is causing you mental and physical stress at the moment :/

Post # 42
Member
4329 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Idk why everyone on the first page is so calm….

hell to the fucking NAH. 
this would not be okay with me. 
It’s one thing to go to visit grandparents, it’s another to tell you ahead of time about this “mystery” person.

But it’s quite another to basically lie that he’s going there with her whole family then have it Turn into a basic date, and then letting you know all this after the fact.

Also, why has he never talked about her to you until that very moment? Clearly they were talking before this “date” and this was never bought up to you before? Shady AF. This isn’t something you just forget to mention to your wife…

Post # 43
Member
4329 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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happiekrappie :  yes! For real! Three hours is excessive to say the least. It’s one thing to grab a slice and sit down to eat it for 40 mins. But three fucking hours? Why? 

Post # 44
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee

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Cheekie0077 :  maybe I’m crazy (and I very well may be so don’t come for me, bees) but my mind instantly went to wondering if the trip abroad was truly for the purpose expressed. it makes zero sense to travel abroad, then start engaging in habits and practices that are abnormal when your SO is in such a vulnerable spot. even if he’s not doing anything shady, it’s fucked up that he’s behaving this way and causing his wife undue stress. 

I was also significantly taken aback at how calm and “reasonable” the first page appeared. I would’ve changed my phone number and the locks by now lmao (I’m kidding…to an extent). 

Post # 45
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

OP, go find a different hobby. Closing. 

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