Husband walked out. Mixed singles. So confused :(

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 78
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’m glad you’ll be searching out help OP and I wish you the best for yourself, your marriage, and as an example to your children. Take care.

If I were you, I would write yourself a letter to remind yourself of all these points people have given you, the points you have to give yourself, and your motivation to make these changes. So, when you get urges to repeat these behaviors (stalk his facebook, question him, etc), you read that to remind yourself and hopefully bring you back to the proper state of mind to not pursue those urges. At least for the meantime of getting in contact with a counselor which doesn’t sound like it’ll be very long hopefully.

Post # 80
969 posts
Busy bee

anybee128 :  I honestly can’t blame him. Without trust, you don’t have a relationship. I would hate being interrogated every time I did something. He probably will be happier without you because he won’t be constantly trying to earn your trust that he didn’t damage to begin with. 

Post # 82
321 posts
Helper bee

You may be nice and generous but youve been punishing him for at least 3 years because of your past.

you severely need therapy. Stop stalking him and work on yourself if you want him back. Try to recommend couples therapy too.

Post # 83
12094 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

We are taking OP completely at her word that she is always unreasonably overbearing, suspicious, paranoid, and distrustful of her husband and that the issue is entirely hers. And maybe that’s 100% the case.

But without really knowing anything about either of them, or even having been given a single specific example of this behavior, is there is any possibility of a larger incompatibility problem? Does the husband’s behavior play a role or exacerbate things unnecessarily? Most couples willingly share things about their day, because they are married and want to share things about their lives. For example, if he’s guarded or thinks it’s normal to continue to behave like a single person, those sort of things could be aspects of this that are a legitimate couple’s issue, not just an OP issue. 

Or it could be a vicious cycle where the husband overcompensates because of OP’s unreasonable behavior and things have become a vicious, self perpetuating cycle. 

Just throwing it out there. 

Post # 84
2924 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

weddingmaven :  Of course what you’re suggesting is a possibility, but in the OP’s first post, she said her insecurities have been there since day 1 of her relationship with her husband and are the result of her failed first marriage.  So I don’t think this is an incompatibility problem.

The guy I dated prior to my husband was very insecure.  There’s a reason we only dated 6 months; his insecurities destroyed our relationship.  You keep thinking things will get better or the insecure person will finally realize they have nothing to be insecure about.  In my case, which sounds similar to the OP’s, there was nothing I could say or do that would make my boyfriend secure.  I could blow sunshine up his ass all day and the next day he’s be insecure.  It was exhausting to be on the other end.  I started to not tell him things, like every place I would be every minute of the day, because it didn’t matter when I did.  My boyfriend kept telling me he trusted me, that he didn’t trust anyone else.  I felt like it was a control issue.  I loved him deeply even for being together only 6 months and kept wanting to see the positive.  But eventually you need to take care of yourself and in my case, I had no choice to break up with him because his insecurities led to him grabbing me and not letting me go.

OP, if you’re a nurse and work at a hospital then there are resources there.  My husband’s hospital has a free service for employees.  They don’t do long term counseling, but they can give you resources.  Your updates unfortunately do not seem to show that you grasp the severity of your problems.  You keep saying you’re at fault, but actions speak louder than words.  Why did it get to the point of your husband leaving for you to figure out something is wrong?  It’s clear he still loves you, but the ball is in your court.

This isn’t a quick fix either.  My ex boyfriend did go to counseling and was put on an anti-depressant.  For me the hurt was so deep that even though he did the right things to try to make himself better, I couldn’t trust him again.  So this may always be a work in progress for you.  You really, really need to want to do this, and I’m not sure if you’re actually willing to put in the work.

Post # 85
10660 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sunnierdaysahead2 :  

You nailed it.  Control is exactly what these massively insecure partners are all about.  They can’t take their hands off the wheel for even a moment.

They are suspicious and resentful of anything you do that doesn’t involve them.  They often try to isolate their partners and they are extremely manipulative.  They’ll try nearly anything to keep you from “abandoning” them.

These people absolutely cannot tolerate being alone.

Post # 86
12094 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

sunnierdaysahead2 :  “Of course what you’re suggesting is a possibility, but in the OP’s first post, she said her insecurities have been there since day 1 of her relationship with her husband and are the result of her failed first marriage.  So I don’t think this is an incompatibility problem.”

By no means do I at all doubt the OP has major insecurities. I am just wondering whether there’s any chance that  both of these things may be true at the same time. One thing doesn’t necessarily preclude the other. 

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