(Closed) Husband wants to go out / Hunger for social life

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

There needs to be a balance. Social life is definitely kmportant, but so is your spouse and nurturing the relationship. Sounds like he works long hrs and would like some time to unwnd. Js there any way you would go out with him to socialise? Or he could go out a few times a week or month and the lther times he is with you. 

It might also help if you have some hobbies of your own, like cooking classes or something that is jjst for you so your not jome alone waiting for him. I do think the relationship needs to come first and things change when you become a married man. Drinking shouldn’t be a big priority these days, the family should with the occasional drinking session here and there. He needs to acknowledge your feelings on this as well. So id say a compromise is a must. Either socialise together or he goes out a couple of tmes a month and tje other times spent with u. 

Hope that kinda helps :s 

Post # 3
2864 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
ChristineJp: why don’t you go out together? My Fiance and I usually go out with his co-workers in the Tokyo office together. It’s really nice and great to be supportive of his career. 

Post # 7
1783 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m posting so I can come back later and give you actual advice. I just got back to Japan from a trip the visit my family and am too exhausted to form coherent thoughts. 

Post # 9
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m going to ignore the part about going out with friends because I’m honestyle not sure what the right thing to do there is.

I understand that the emphasis in Japan on work and company socialising is very strong and very important. If he doesn’t participate, he most likely won’t succeed. But you obviously need time together as a couple.

Can you organise meeting him for dinner at his work/close by for a guaranteed dinner date, one day every week? Not sure if it’s possible but you could even cook and bring food over. Or you could travel to his work just before he leaves and (I assume) catch public transport back home with him. I know that sounds like a lot of work, and that’s because it is. But you work less hours and it’s obviously important to you to spend more time together so unfortunatly I think this is one of those times where you will have to put more work in than him, in order to help the relationship. But that’s marriage right? Sacrifice for each other.

It’s also ok if one half of a unit requires more time together than the other half, that’s quite normal and as long as the imbalance isn’t huge and the one who requires less doesn’t begrudge the other half for needing more and therefore making more time happen, it’s not a huge problem. 

Just remember that you are trying to jam two different family upbringings into a completely different culture, there are going to be times when it’s like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. You just have to try and make it work for you however you can. 

Post # 10
1028 posts
Bumble bee

I think you also need to separate his work functions and his social functions. Yes, he may go out and drink at these company events, but they are COMPANY EVENTS. No matter how fun they can be it isn’t the same as having a guys night. I’m a firm believer in having a life outside marriage so if my hubby wants to have a guys night I let him! And mind you, my guy works out of town and is home for 24 hours before being gone 48. As long as he isn’t doing anything illegal or that can get him in trouble and checks in occasionally so I know he is ok, I don’t see the problem if he gets home after the bars close. And vice versa. There has been a couple times he’s had to pick me up! I understand being in a different country where cultures are different and you are lonely. But you need to try and see it from his side as well. 

Post # 15
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

View original reply
ChristineJp:  Going to be honest, you guys need to have a serious chat. You also have to separate business adn pleasure for him. My dh travels a lot for work and there will be nights he is away when i dont hear from him at all. Yes it is difficult knowing he is out drinking somewhere and I’m stuck at home but at the same time it is business… He is out at least once a week with the guys to play cricket and I have come to accept that, I sometimes yet seldom join them… If he wants to go out once a week, I don’t see the issue. And my dh works roughly 10-12 hour days as well most days so I get that bit… I know you feel put out by it, but his job is his job regardless…

As for ther hostess clubs, that is a discussion you guys need to have and some agreement needs to be made and then you ned to trust him to stick to that agreement… To me it seems the bigger issue is that you don’t like his friends more than anything else.

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