(Closed) Husband wants to go out / Hunger for social life

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
4997 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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ChristineJp:  Is it possible he’s an alcoholic? How much does he drink when he goes out? Maybe the problem is the drinking, not necessarily the going out. 

Post # 19
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579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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ChristineJp:  🙂 my dh has some friends I am not the biggest fan of… He has a few who I adore and encourage him to see more often adn others who I dislike seeing… Truth be told, we talked about it and we agreed I couldn’t tell him who to see or not to see but that I didn’t have to see them… In the end I chose to see them, I refused to be the reason those friendships ended and slowly they have grown apart as my dh has seen how they choose to live… Thing is your husband wants to see them and obviously he likes partying like they do, a know a few couples who both party like that and they are happy together becuase they are both happy in that situation…

Given that you are unhappy about it, I don’t know if it isn’t just two conflicting lifestyle choices… I don’t think he is spending an excessive amount of time out with his friends but you seem to feel that way which like I said I think is more down to the friends than the being out… If what you say is right about his friends being his family, start treating them like you would in-laws… Hvae them around for sunday lunch one week a month… Get to know them better… He wont stop being friends with them unless they do something which annoys him or they treat you really badly but even then you need to be blameless in the situation… I took the kill them kindness attitude and when one of the wives was still horrible to me, my dh had had enough… he hardly sees that friend if the wife will be around…He finally saw my side when I proved I was innocent by trying hard…

Post # 20
Member
4997 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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ChristineJp:  So are you saying he doesn’t do those things anymore? Because they sound quite problematic.

Post # 21
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I soooo feel for you!<br /><br />When my now husband moved to another country I followed him there. I didn’t have a job and didnt have friends there. He was working OK-ish hors (7.30am – 6pm) BUT drinks with clients would take place at least 4 days a week. And he couldnt do anything as it wsnt his choice! Plus he sometimes had to go to the office on the week ends. I felt soooooo lonely… I would be asleep when he leaves for work and would be in bed when he comes back (normally after midnight). We had a serious talk. He hgad to push back a bit at work, and now he only does it coasionally,  once-twice a week and we agreed he will come back home before 11 pm. It helps now that I have a job as well, so I try to enjoy those evenings by myself, doing girly stuff at home. Like giving myself a manicure and a face mask while having a glass of wine watching some stupid soap opera on TV. And i learnt to get the most oout of the time we are together. =) 

Post # 25
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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ChristineJp:  You can do something and that’s be the best you that you can be… I realised that as long as I was me and focused on being a better me that no-one could say a thing… I made every possible effort to befriend them and when it didn’t work it clearly wasn’t me…

As frustrating as it is to be home alone (I have basically no friends where we live as I moved across country), I have learnt to se the time to relax, take long baths, read a book… I deal with my dh been away for weeks at a time so I bake, work on doing something special for when he gets home… Days when its just long hours I read and relax… We also just got a dog 😉 so she will take up a lot of my time with training and playing and in general giving me company…

Find what makes you happy and go from there 🙂

Post # 26
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m not in Japan, but my husband goes through phases where he feels that I “don’t let him go out and have fun,” so now I just let him do whatever he wants.  Seriously. Let him go out with the guys. Don’t say a word. About a week in, he’ll start to miss you.  Then you are no longer the bad guy, but you’re spending time together.  The less controlled I feel or my husband feels, the more we appreciate and want to spend time with eachother. 

Post # 29
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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ChristineJp:  Oh I’m not suggesting that he should be able to go out every night and get as drunk as he wants… I am trying to say that for the work functions, there isn’t much he can do and for personal going out you guys needs to reach an agreement… I’m just saying that as long as he is trying to keep to the agreement that it is best to find ways to keep yourself happy while he is out…

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