Post # 31
Honestly, I would consider moving to another country – close to one of your families, maybe. It just sounds like the work and social cultures of Japan don’t provide an environment that will allow for the kind of relationship you want.
Post # 32
Alcohol doesn’t cause verbal abuse. It just takes the brakes off.
So, basically, this dh with a history of verbally abusing you knows exactly how you feel about him going out every night. And he does it anyway.
It doesn’t sound as if he treats you very well.
On a parallel track, we have his drnking, which certainly sounds excessive.
Have you considered individual counseling, just for you? Couples’ counseling, when there is any type of abuse, is a no go. It’s too dangerous.
I am sorry you’re going through all of this.
Post # 33
nanoinfinity: It’s my dream) unfortunately, when both of us have work here and don’t have a good escape plan since Japan for now is a best place in terms of employment…
I know that if we move half of problems will be gone.
Post # 34
sassy411: You might have gotten a wrong impression, but he doesn’t go out every night anymore and verbal abuse happened three times in 4 years, plus some things like punching walls or throwing bags etc that happened several times.
Actually, we just started to go for a couple counseling and I told the counsellor what happened when he got drunk but it looks like the counsellor doesn’t make a big deal out of it.
Post # 35
that’s true, the wife has such a passive role in the japanese culture (i’m japanese so i can relate). i’m sorry you feel this way, but you need to find a way to compromise. he is most likely not going to strip clubs or getting high with his coworkers; it’s strictly work-related. i don’t think you have anything to worry about, he probably just wants to do as much as he can as a foreigner and adapt to the culture there.
can you go out too while he does? is there something else you can focus on so you’re not always worrying and thinking about him?
Post # 36
catpeaches: thank you. I am very happy that you understand.
yes, I have my job, friends, gym, hobbies. Just the lifestyle, working culture etc etc is very tough for a girl raised in the European family. Plus, if your dh is kind of social… It brings more problems.
Post # 37
ChristineJp: Are things still the same OP?
I don’t really see things getting better, if they haven’t already. These are your Darling Husband decisions and he can make time with you if he wanted. I understand the work related meetings out, but him wanting to go out more times than spending time with you or complaining about not going out with his friends when he is spending time with you, just doesn’t sound like a happy relationship.
It’s not about you being alone bored with nothing to do when he’s out. You want that bonding time with your Darling Husband. What’s the point of a marriage if you have 100 hobbies to distract from being alone and never spending time with your Darling Husband if your not satisfied in your relationship.
I think it’s a compromise for him to go out with his friends once or twice a month with his friends. But I’ll be honest, it would hurt me if Darling Husband showed no interest in wanting to spend time with me and when he did, only complained about wanting to go be with his friends.
Just reading your post you guys don’t sound happy. Is there no connection between you two anymore? These are things that can be worked on but your Darling Husband wants to want it. He’s the one who has control in this situation and it doesn’t sound like he wants to change.
Easier said than done, but I think maybe it’s time to look for other alterative. If you are OK with living the rest of your life like this and having hope he’ll change, them stay. But if you don’t, then I think you know what you have to do. Is there anyway you can move back home and start your life there? Do you have any plans for the future if Darling Husband doesn’t change?
I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP. I know how you’re feeling and it’s really hard to make changes that will make you happy. But you need to put yourself first.
Post # 38
You really do need to separate “work nights out” and “friends nights out”.
His drinking with colleagues does not count as a social life: look at it as part of his working hours. So really, your problem is that he works from 9am to 1am several times a week, and on the other nights he sometimes wants to go out with friends. Is that really such a massive issue? And if so, could you compromise on it. If he has to work late (and thats what the work drinking is: working late) twice a week on average, that still leaves three nights a week and all weekend to divide up between you and his buddies. Surely you can come to a compromise about that?