Post # 31
This sounds so dreadful. He clearly has no motivation to move out of mommy’s house, and what’s worse, he has dragged you into this as well. Unless you are planning on living with your in-laws forever, he needs to be working a full time job. He doesn’t want to deal with customers? Too bad? This is the real world, not a candy store. You both chose to get married very young and clearly wthout any money of your own, and one of you (or both) needs to start being financialy responsible. No. He should not quit his job. If he hates it so much, then he should go and find a new job first. Somehow this mentality of quitting anytime its gets tough needs to stop.
Post # 32
Adding something helpful now (sorry) – I would stop the coddling and make him see that if he wants a different job he best get motivated to find one. Because quitting full time work to play video games is not going to fly with you (and mean it). If he quits and doesn’t get it together in X months I would move forward with your life independently. Get your own apartment and tell him he’s free to join his wife when he’s ready to act like a husband.
Post # 33
You’re right, I made an agreement with him to stick it out for a month and we’ll see from there where we go. He can keep looking for another job meanwhile but I wont let him quit before then and just take back his job at tim’s (I asked him to put in his two weeks notice and he’s done there on the 2nd of may) because that won’t fly with both me and his mom.
We’re both Christian, and I believe that because of him working at tims every single weekend he’s fallen so far from faith because he doesn’t keep up with going to church and he’s just lost sight of all morals and ideals, and he’s become so discouraged.. which is why it surprised me so much when he went off on the tangent earlier today with the parking thing because even when he’s mad he almost never goes off on a cursing spree.
Post # 34
wow he needs to grow up. and if he doesn’t, do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who is lazy and plays video games all day long? because once his mother is no longer here, you will take on all her responsibilities.
Post # 35
You’re right, I’m trying to be tougher on him. We have been together for 5 years and I don’t think 23-24 is too young to get married, but that’s for another topic. We do have a decent savings account. We ended up getting aroudn $8000 from our wedding from family and have decided to put it towards the down payment on an apartment so we can move out. We’ve set a deadline of 6 months to get enough extra money to put a nice sizable downpayment and to have extra cash for emergencies. We aren’t broke per-se but we definitely cannot move forward with this amount. I’m actually hoping to transfer universities soon, so I’m going to let him know that if he wants to quit the job– then that will be all him, but I’ll end up changing plans and go to a physical university 3k miles away for school instead of the online program so that I can stay with him (we’re LDR for 5 years, I’m still waiting for residency, I’m from a different country and can’t legally work yet) while we begin our first year of marriage.
Post # 36
Stop making excuses and enabling him.
You said he pretty much spent the entire last year working weekends at Hortons and playing PS4/Xbox.
Hate to break it to you, but you didn’t marry a man, you married a moody teenager.
*If you seriously want advice on this, stop making excuses for him. We don’t know you or him. You don’t need to defend his honor or anything. Sometimes people have to pay their dues and work a sucky job so they can get a better job. Having employment history on a resume helps you land a job. I worked a crappy job as a collections agent right after college. I freaking hated that job, but it helped me get s better job after 12 months of being there.
Post # 37
I should also add that it doesn’t help his mom was recently diagnosed with cancer. We were informed that it hasn’t spread and she’ll find out may 6th when her operation will be. I think he’s under a lot of stress, and he’s definitely depressed, I’m trying to be as supportive as possible but still be firm.
Post # 38
sooo a lot of stress and depressed and mom with cancer? That sucks. But that’s also life.
If you and his mom don’t stop making excuses for him and start holding him accountable, you’re in for a rough life together.
Post # 39
his mom having cancer is all the more reason to stop living off of her.
Post # 40
To be honest I am super confused why you married this guy!
Post # 41
Eww. Sorry, why did you marry him?
Crap happens in life but he’s a full grown man. What about your ambitions? Your future? You’re going to spend your whole life coddling him because trust me – boys like that don’t change.
Stop making excuses for the fact he’s point blank lazy. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being mum number 2?
sorry your in this situation, but I agree if he was like this before marriage, he’ll be like this for a Long time after.
Post # 42
“I believe that because of him working at tims every single weekend he’s fallen so far from faith because he doesn’t keep up with going to church and he’s just lost sight of all morals and ideals
” — Oh my god, will you please stop! This is seriously offensive to me as a VERY hard-working and moral atheist. Him crying because he doesn’t like to work has NOTHING to do with whether he’s god-fearing enough or not, it’s just one more excuse in your basket of excuses for his childishness and poor work ethic.
Post # 43
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
The man that is your husband is the same guy that was your Fiance is the same guy that was your Boyfriend or Best Friend. It seems that he has always been this way and you accepted him as is, but then expected marriage to make him a different person. Marriage doesn’t change people. The guy you went into it with is the guy you come out of it with.
I think you’ll have a very hard time getting him to “change” if you do nto have the support of his parents. As long as they provide the safety net he’ll always feel fine giving up, because there are no consequences. I don’t think you should try and change him. Trying to change people is useless and frustrating. I would suggest telling him flat out what your needs and expectations are, and ask him if he is prepared to meet those requirements. Then ask what he plans to do to meet those requirements. You won’t be able to change him, he has to do it himself.
Post # 44
His mom has cancer, and he’s still fine with mooching off her? Do you see how this looks to the rest of the world?
It is not your responsibilty to raise your husband, and it’s DEFINITELY not his mother’s responsibility any longer.
Shoot at this point I’d print this thread so he can see that it’s practically unanimous that he’s acting like a child…but he’d probably cry.
Post # 45
I have nothing new to add- I think PPs have said it all and there’s no point in beating a dead horse.
Just wanted to let you know that I did read the whole thread, and I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with this. On one hand, we can sit here and say, “this is what you signed up for,” because in a sense you did. But that doesn’t really help you, does it?
I can only imagine how frustrated you must be. I have very little patience for men who act like little boys. As someone who is working very hard to put my husband (we are the same age as you are, actually- I’m 23, he’s 24) through grad school, I know I would be incredibly frustrated if I were in your situation. I’m already a little annoyed with Darling Husband for not having an internship already secured for this summer even, but I try not to bring it up because I know he’s frustrated about it too and trying every day to get something lined up.
All I can tell you is that you should be prepared for a long road ahead, and to make sure you have a good network/support system in place (outside of your husband.) You mentioned you were religious; I know first-hand the church can be a really good place to find supportive community.
Your husband is going to have to want to change; you unfortunately can’t nag him into growing up. It just doesn’t work. In the meantime, I might have to insist on coming to an agreement about the video games… like putting them in storage for a while. They can be addicting, and if he’s not working it’s only fair that he be doing something productive.