Post # 61
I think there is truth in what you are saying, and you are supporting the OP which is a good thing. But if OP tells her DH what you suggested she say, whatever good is in their marriage will be gone. She should stick to how much she needs his help as well as brainstorm with him, while showing him empathy.
I do think that while many of us do many things we don’t enjoy in the name of responsibility, I’m convinced that some people just do suffer more in the wrong jobs and find the career world not as satisfying. I just hope that her DH and her can work out a mutual compromise so both can feel taken care of/respected/understood.
Post # 62
littlechickie: what is Tim Hortons?
LOL, as a Canadian this made me actually chuckle in real life. It’s a chain coffee shop, like Dunkin Donuts.
Post # 63
Has he tried temp agencies? He can sign up for several and do temp jobs. I’m not sure about electrical engineering but they will probably be closer to his field than loading tires. Most are temp-to-hire as well.
I do think he should stick with this until he gets something else (even if it is just a temp job).
Post # 64
Yeah no. I’d definitely leave him. He’s never going to grow up. He doesn’t have to. youll be nagging and pushing him to be a grown up for the rest of your life. You really want to be a grown mans mommy? Cut your losses now while you’re young. People don’t change.
Post # 65
I agree totally, I think others brushed over that bit.
He has worked in a factory before and it caused back pain. Continuing to work in a factory environment could flare that up again and cause serious injury. For his own health it would be better for him to find a new job. But it isn’t like he doesn’t have a job at all, he works weekends, although that is not enough to support the both of you until you can work too.
Also I did find the ‘UGH MEN!’ comment funny like PPs, but not because of the ‘he’s not a man, he’s a child’ or ‘not all men are like that’, but because it is not just guys who can be like that. As someone who is sort of on the other side; being nearly 25, with a degree, unemployed and still living with my parents; why on earth did you get married before you could afford to support yourselves, knowing how little motivation he had regarding finding a job?
Post # 66
I know that here, in the US, engineers have to be licensed. Has he just not completed that yet?
I guess I’m also fuzzy on why YOU are searching for jobs for him– this is something he needs to do. How about an internship? Great paying engineeting jobs don’t just fall into people’s laps post graduation. He should be calling recruiters and agencies so he can add work experience to his resume. How is he going to explain the lag of basically no job but weekend work at Hortons after graduation?
Does he have CAD experience? Designer jobs pay well and would at least get his foot in the door at a good firm. (HINT: call an agency!) Did his school not offer any job placement assistance? Have him call one of his college professors too. Engineering is a niche field– have him contact classmates, or anybody he knows who may be working in that field.
Post # 68
I live in the US, but near a border and I was actually bummed when Timmy Ho’s expanded over here. That was our Canadian
fun, dammit! When I was 19 & 20, we’d cross the border, hole up in a bar for a couple hours, then stop at Tim Horton’s before heading back home. I’ll never forget the morning I woke up and felt something unidentifiable in my front jeans pocket. Imagine my suprise when I reached in and pulled out a flattened yet somehow still muffin-shaped Tim Horton’s muffin. THAT’S when you know you had a good time last night!
Post # 69
1. It’s not “men”, it’s “him”.
2. As somebody who has battled depression, I find it incredibly offensive that you use that as an excuse. Being negative and suffering from depression are two completely different things. Unless you are a medical professional you have no right to diagnose him as such. From an outsider’s perspective he simply comes across as undriven, pessimistic and – dare I say – it lazy.
3. You just gave him an easy way out by saying, “Legit reason like back pain”. Guess what he is going to be claiming is bothering him after the month is up? “Back pain”…even if he’s feeling fine.
4. You said you married him knowing all of this so why are you making excuses for him now? I don’t blame you 100% as he’s old enough to take responsibility for his own behaviour but the fact that you are quite clearly an enabler doesn’t help the situation at all.
5. The only way I see this improving is if the $$$ figure from his first pay run is enough to gratification for him.
Post # 70
yep. He’s registered with a few hiring agencies. He was looking forward to a possible job just before our wedding as the lady at the hiring agency forwarded details of a job and asked if he was interested. He replied next business day with a yes and never got a reply back after that. he emailed multiple times, called, etc until finally we found out from a co-worker of the lady that she had left on vacation and wouldnt be back for a few weeks. we never actually did hear back from her ever again lol. He has applied to most companies looking to hire people like him in about a 150 mile radius of where we live, but so far nothing has caught on. He only got 1 job interview where the interviewer made him feel like crap and wasted his time telling him that he was looking for someone he wouldnt have to teach, and who had already lots of exPerience. It seems like all the companies around here want to hire someone with experience but you need a job to get experience. he’s working atm– just finished his lunch break. Said that his trapezius muscles are very sore but that he’s slowly getting more used to it and its not so bad. Lets hope that forward thinking stays like that. I brought up the option of possibly moving to a different province to work atleast for a couple of years to get some experience so he can apply to a place thats closer to his family in a few years but I think he’ll be hesitant to do that knowing his mom has cancer. I think he’s been unfairly judged by a lot of people in this thread. It’s understandable since I only listed some negatives about him in my OP while I was frustrated, but I would just like to say that everyone has negatives, my husband is certainly a pain in my rear sometimes but we have been through so much together. There are plently of things that I definitely need to work on, so I think ut’s a little unfair that everyone was quick to say he is lazy, or that I should RUN as fast as possible away from the relationship. I would like to thank everyone who posted, I sincerely thank you for helping me settle down and for reading my long rant post.
For those curious and who asked: I indeed plan to rival what my husband will make but as i’m still in school and currently in a country where I can’t legally work my professional life has been put on hold. Once I can legally work you bet I’ll be sending apps in like crazy. I do get money for going to school though, so that’s always a plus, and helps a little bit with our financial situation.
Post # 71
yes, DH is a passionate gamer too. Clocks in hours a day but only in his FREE time. And it never gets in the way of his being responsible, caring, hardworking and committed to me.
Post # 72
OP, you say he has been unfairly judged Herr, yet we only have information you have given us and with what we have…. Well, he seems lazy and silly.
If he couldn’t get a job in his field then when wasn’t he taking something else? Working full time? I have hired before and I would never choose a 24 year old man with two days a week at the coffee place for a position. I don’t like being the person to teach someone about working. He needs to stick with it and grow the fuck up. I am going to school and working 40+ hour weeks. You do what you have to. It seems like he would rather be coddled.
Post # 73
Maybe he should focus on finding a paid internship in his field even if the wage is a little less than the factory. You were right that companies want some experience: and not at Tim Hortons or in a factory. He should definitely keep up the grind till he finds it though, but its important to keep the long term goal in sight (a salaried lucrative job) and not sacrifice that for 12/hour factory wage vs 10/hr interning.
Post # 74
I struggle with depression as well, and if that’s what’s truly going on, he needs treatment, so he can stop living his life a certain way because of depression, and start to live in spite of it. I, in recovery, still have days where I would honestly rather die than live. I just do, despite counseling, despite medication, despite coping skills. However, I’ve learned that I can throw in the towel, or I can fight. I can feel weak and helpless, or I can show me I’m not that at all. However, I wouldn’t be in this place without adequate treatment, without medication and support from my treatment team. It’s understandable that he’s depressed-he can’t find a good job, his mom has cancer. But he needs to reach out and rise above rather than cut himself off from the world, which will only make things worse.
Post # 75
Honey, he needs to quit his bitching. My husband and I got married at 23 and 24 too and he is also an engineer. His job includes manual labor as well as being intellectually draining. He works 18 hours a day, 7 days a week in -40F weather all winter and 100+F in the summer for 3-6 weeks at a time, comes home for 1-2 weeks if we’re lucky (and often goes into the office here in town and does more work ON HIS TIME OFF), then leaves for work again. Does he complain? Nope. Engineering is incredibly competitive and he is doing what he needs to do to progress.
Life can be hard and you often have to do shit you don’t want to, but if you (or in this case, your husband) just weasle out of it then you won’t reap the rewards. I think part of being a supportive spouse sometimes requires you to push your significant other a little. It is so easy to give up and it’s up to you to make it of utmost importance that he reaches his potential, even if he cannot see it yet.
Perhaps write a list of goals you two want to complete in 1 years time, 3 years time, and 5 years time. Once you have them physically in front of you, really take the time to kind of force him to understand that there is a direct correlation between those goals and his personal effort. After all, things don’t happen just because you want them to.
Also, I really don’t understand the remark you made about being Christian or how religion has anything to do with one’s work ethic. If it puts things into perspective, my husband and I are both atheists…