Post # 31
Also, his female friend said to shove plan B down your throat? Either she’s a horrible human being or he’s talked so badly about you to her that she feels like this is acceptable to say about you in a public setting. Either way he’s a horrible enough person to have this kind of friend and/or he speaks as nasty about you as he does TO you.
If it had just been the wedding band thing I’d just think he didn’t feel like the time and expense of sizing the ring was worth it and figured it didn’t really matter. Seriously the ring is the least of your issues.
Post # 32
Who cares about the wedding ring when he has been nothing but hurtful towards you, didn’t want a baby with you, and wished you the most tremendous pain in your childbirth?? Why are you with this loser? And is he even a good father to his daughter? He sounds like a complete A-hole and you obviously know that. Can you see yourself being married to a lifetime of this behaviour? He sounds like a morally corrupt person. I couldn’t do it.
Post # 33
The wedding ring thing is the last thing you need to worry about. If he was an otherwise good guy I might even give him a pass on that one. But combined with everything else, there is no salvaging this relationship.
Post # 34
A lot of Bees are hammering OP on why, of all the things that has happened, the wedding ring is the thing she’s most upset about. Honestly, it’s makes sense to me. The others things he’s done can all be rationalized in one distorted way or another. But seeing that the visual symbol of your relationship doesn’t actually include you? There’s no way to rationalize that.
OP, this isn’t a healthy relationship. You deserve so much mire and your daughter deserves a healthy model of what a relationship should be. Don’t take this piss poor excuse for a man back.
Post # 35
- Wedding: January 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts
Ignore his pleading and crying. Tough titties.
Divorce his ass now. What a piece of garbage.
Post # 36
Well, I do agree with your husband on one fact: You should absolutely get therapy for yourself. You should not let yourself be treated this way. You are much better than this man and please do not let your daughter think that this is an okay way to behave. Meet with a divorce lawyer, meet with a therapist, and get out of this awful situation. Good luck bee.
Post # 37
- Wedding: November 2019 - Baton Rouge, LA
I know that this most likely isn’t intentional on anyone’s part, but can we please let up on OP already? Abusive men don’t usually show their colors all at once. That would be counter-productive; if they did, no one would stick around, and they wouldn’t have anyone to feed their ego. The really scary ones are masters of disguise: they’re experts at keeping the appearance of a perfectly respectable person in public and even their close friends, only showing their true face to the ones they feel entitled to control (most often, the spouse and/or children).
I can almost guarantee you that OP has suffered years of slowly-intensifying abuse, all delivered with gaslighting. Being gaslighted at all–let alone for years by someone you’re supposed to be able to trust–is extremely scary. No wonder it damages the self-esteem; it’s designed (and is very effective at) making one doubt their own sanity.
The hill to die on (or the thing that breaks you out of the fog–in OP’s case, the ring) is often something that even the abuser can’t rationalize away or turn around. It becomes something for the abusee to fixate on, because it’s proof that they aren’t crazy, this isn’t normal, and it is okay to leave. It’s almost like the hand that pulls the wool off your eyes. Mine was also minor (laughably so when compared to all the other BS that my ex pulled), but I remember feeling like a switch had flipped: it was clear that he was never going to change, and that the only value I had to him was what I could do to feed his ego. I could never submit enough or do enough or contort myself in enough knots to please him. For OP, this is a ring. For me, it was one asinine comment. It’s different for everyone.
So I left. It was bar-none the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But it was oh so worth it. I’m now married to an amazing man and have a life I love (heck, even my in-laws are awesome).
OP, you can do this. It will be hard, and with as unhinged as he sounds, it will be dangerous. If you want to stay married to this man, you will have to give up everything that you are, and even that won’t be enough. Get a plan together. Gather documents; enlist your friends and family. You can do this. You and your little one deserve so much more. Getting out will be the very best thing you ever do for the both of you.
Post # 38
What a disgusting pig.
OP, this guy has quite a game going on. He abuses you, then when you get upset he gaslights you and tells you he’s only ‘joking’, stop taking it so seriously, etc. Then when you get really upset and threaten to end the relationship he brings out the crocodile tears.
Do you HONESTLY think he cries because he loves you? Newsflash – he doesn’t. He’s crying because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed by his friends and family when he has to say he is getting a divorce. He’s crying because he doesn’t want to pay alimony or child support. He’s crying because his life will get harder and your life will get better. He’s crying because he knows he’s trash and you are right to want a divorce.
But the ONE thing he isn’t crying about is you. He doesn’t care about you, your feelings, probably doesn’t even care about your daughter. Give yourself the gift of moving on.
Post # 39
Bee, listen to your family, the previous posters and your gut. Your gut tells you to divorce him but then you feel bad when he cries crocodile tears. His words are not remotely satirical and his “jokes” aren’t funny. You know this. Your husband does not respect you. He does things at the expense of your emotional well-being and does not give a fuck about how he treats you. He even takes pleasure in hurting you. He’s whittled away at your confidence and makes you the problem? You aren’t the issue, he is.
The statements he makes about your daughter are despicable. No respectable human would even think like that, let alone say this kind of shit out loud. Please don’t let her continue to grow up in an environment where she will hear her father speak about her negatively. Please don’t let her grow up in an environment where she witnesses her mother being disrespected and verbally abused.
Don’t forgive him. I am glad you found the ring. I’m glad it’s the thing you won’t forgive him over because it’s the straw that broke the camels back. You’re taking a stand, and this time you’ll have that push to leave! Stay strong, you’ve got this.
Post # 40
The pain and childbirth remark is one of the worst things l have ever heard. I think it is unforgivable, and, more to the point , genuinely sadistic. Fuck his tearful protestations OP, you know what you need to do.
The ring thing demonstrates his emotional stupidity, if nothing worse. Probably it IS something worse though, ie utter disregard for you .
Post # 41
I stopped reading when you wrote that he said he wished childbirth was as “painful as humanly possible”.
Divorce him. Don’t raise your daughter with a dad like that. She’ll be fucked up for life and end up marrying someone worse.
Post # 42
Who gives a shit about the ring? He sounds like he was terrible looooong before you found out he was wearing his ring from his cancelled relationship.
OP- what are you doing?!
Post # 43
this isn’t about the ring, it’s about those comments and that Instagram girl. This guy is not on your team.
Regardless, don’t let him gaslight you into thinking that the ring is no big deal. It’s his little way of betraying you everyday (you know… to get back at you for having the AUDACITY of having your daughter).
Psycho. Dump his ass, and when you he starts crying tell him:
“I hope your heartbreak is as painful as humanly possible.”
Post # 44
of course he speaks badly of her listen to the disrespect. Horrible she thinks she can even say that as a joke.
Post # 45
Thank you for posting this. Speaking from experience, being in an abusive relationship is devastating to one’s self-esteem and it isn’t obvious at the start, otherwise nobody would stay in a relationship for that long. The husband is clearly gaslighting OP on the regular and that is likely why she has stayed up until this point. The ring is just the straw that broke the camel’s back here.
OP, I commend you for finally realizing what a POS this guy is. I would recommend therapy to help you strengthen yourself and to create an escape plan to get yourself and your daughter out of there ASAP. Please let someone (family, friends) in on what is actually going on so you have a support system of your own.