(Closed) Husband with no sex drive but having wet dreams. HELP!

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
9482 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@stbMohror:  Is he possibly depressed?  Are there any other stressors in your life that may be keeping his sex drive low?  I agree with you that he does need to see a doctor.  FI is 28 and I am 24.  His sex drive is a bit lower than mine and he openly admits it.  I would like it to be more often sometimes, but he always tells me “I’m not 18 anymore…” which is completely fine.  So, as they do get older, their sex drive does lower.  It’s unfortunate though because it seems like he’s against any sort of sexual pleasure whatsoever.  I wish I knew a way to convince him to go see a doctor about the issue.  I hope other bees have some great advice!

Post # 5
Member
9482 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@stbMohror:  It very much well be a situation where he has low T.  I wonder why it happened though after 6 months of being married though.  Your sex life was pretty active before then?

Post # 6
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through this!

My SO is 13 years older than me and yes, his sex drive is less than mine. But I’m good at communicating when I want to, how frequently I’d like to etc. I’ve told him that I need to be taken care of just as much as he needs to. SO is very open and has told me before he would always try his best before just saying ‘no’ or giving an excuse.

If I was in your situation I’d try to have a serious conversation with him. Just be honest, tell him your fears. Just have him be quiet until you’re done. Tell him something like this is not something you can just get over and that aside from not being pleased sexually, you’re worried about the possible health causes to his problem.

Hopefully he’ll see the emotions behind your reasoning as well and want to go check?

 

**ETA : My SO is very romantic, attentive and sweet all the other times so I understand where you’re coming from. We have quite an active sex life though. I noticed what your husband said about sex not being everything. He’s right – it’s not everything but it’s a pretty big thing! Women tend to equate sex with self worth and not all men are aware of that. That and not being pleased can lead to resentment. Just try to explain that you don’t think sex is everything but it’s pretty important as well. Sex is one of the differences between friendship and a romantic committed relationships

Post # 7
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@stbMohror:  First off (( HUGS )) because I know this is a difficult situation for you to comprehend…

I take it from your posting…

but even before I was pregnant our sex life was very minimal. I have come to realize my sex drive it about twice my husbands

That this has pretty much always been the way things have been with your Husband, since the get go.

Believe it or not, there are actually some men who are straight, and not that interested in sex.  They can take it or leave it (same where there are some women who have these feelings).

Sadly, I was married to one of these guys from the age of 23 myself (25 Year Marriage).  And well honestly, over time it only got worse… (although to be fair, he had a lot of other stuff going on as well… which ate into our Marriage).

So as someone who has been there done that…

You need to sit your Hubby down, and tell him straight out that this “arrangement” does not work for you.  You have needs, and as a wife you came into this partnership believing that those basic relationship needs would be met … he can’t now suddenly change the game plan just because you all are married (although I do think, that once the baby comes, and you are whipped and dog-tired by that commitment, you will probably find that at least “for awhile” your own sex drive will put things on hold, or be less important than it is now… )

You need to point out in the chat with him, that he does need to get a check up to make sure that there isn’t a medical reason for his low desire (such as Low-T, depression, etc)

And after that, then you need to work out a plan on how to deal with this problem, including counselling if necessary.

Counselling can also determine if he suffers from what is known as the “Madonna Syndrom”… whereby it is unholy to have Sex with a Pregnant Woman, or a Mother of their children. For some men it is because of religious up-bringing (sex is dirty), for others it is because they somehow equate sex with “a Mom” to having sex with “their Mom” (ya twisted)

Lack of sex, can quickly become NO SEX.  And NO SEX can eat at your relationship… and be a horrible thing… especially so if you are as young as you both are (20s, 30s, and 40s, except for being tired, you guys should be making out like rabbits… even if that means planning for it… by having Date Nights, Dirty Weekends, etc)

IF I had my life to live over… I would have done things differently… and I may not have married my first Hubby if I had thought thru the incompatibility in our sex lives… it just caused me too much grief, and combined / compounded with the other stuff that went wrong in our relationship… certainly was one of the main factors (certainly was the first symptom)

My advice is seek help now… because 5, 10, 15, or 20 years from now and you could be a lot worse off (even sadder)… and looking back at what “might have / could have been”

I didn’t really realize how important sex (and great sex) was to a relationship until after I left my Hubby.  I am now in a well-rounded relationship, and my Fiance altho older is quite keen to make me happy in ALL WAYS

And sure, if that part of our life was to slow-down or stop entirely (say due to his age or health) I’d be disappointed etc… but a lot less so in that at least it has been there and formed a good foundation for us, so we can explore other ways of intimacy and making one another happy physically (as well as emmotionally).

Whereas, in my first marriage, there was literally nothing for 20+ Years… and that effected EVERY aspect of our Marriage.

Sex is an important part of a marriage… but even more so if you are young.

 

Post # 8
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

He shouldn’t be having wet dreams at his age. Especially not being married. 

You can purchase “numbing gel”. It will help prevent him from going too quickly.  SO and i have a fairly active sex life and his stamina has NOT gotten better  after 3.5 years lol.  He said he just cant help it.  So we have been using that gel which definitely helps. 

All i can think is to be honest with him about how it makes you feel, and to not be embarrassed about seeing a doctor if it will help you in the long run.  Its a touchy subject for men.  Feeling like hes not satisfying you is a hard pill to swallow. 

Post # 9
Member
2905 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I really recommend the book “The Sex Starved Marriage.” It’s a really well written and compassionate take on both partners’ sides in a relationship where one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. If your husband is willing to read it with you, it might give both of you a window into what’s going on with each other, and it provides some concrete solutions, too. It’s really helped my fiance and I. 

Post # 13
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@stbMohror:  Please don’t think I’m joking what I suggest this. If he refuses to take it seriously, what about asking to have an open marriage? Or ask him to appoint someone to take care of you for him?

I said that to my Fiance and I think it helped him understand how serious it was for me. (But it also hurt his feelings and made him feel as though he wasn’t good enough.) He says he’s planning to get his levels checked. For him, another part of it is also having low self esteem – which he’s working on slowly.

I empathize with you because its a very touchy situation and you can’t really talk to anyone about it. Best of luck. I truly hope you two overcome this.

Post # 14
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Well at least the wet dreams shows he’s capable. My FH is 54 and unfortunately has no sex drive and is not even capable. Hence why I have my “sancho” with my FH’s full knowledge and approval and will continue to do so after marriage. But I am in my 50s and you are so young!

 

A visit to the doctor is definitely in order. So any health conditions can affect libido (and yes FH has been checked out several times). Then counseling. In the meantime I suggest becoming skilled in the art of self-pleasuring, there is nothing wrong with it.

Post # 15
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ShortnSweet:  That one didn’t work for me at all. I said something along those lines a while back and he just laughed. He knows it’d never happen. I need to find a way for him to take me seriously. It’s causing huge issues on my end.

I didn’t read all of the comments but I seen someone make mention of depression. Depression is part of the reason I’m so unsatisfied. Your hubby could have depression issues and you’d never know. Hell, he might not even know!

Hope everything works out for you.

Post # 16
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would definitely try and get him to see a doctor – I don’t think he should be having wet dreams at his age so it could be a sign of a greater health issue.  

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