(Closed) Husband won't even talk timing of having kids

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is one thing that’s so important to be on the same page on, it’s got to be SO frustrating not to be.  It kind of sounds to me that he doesn’t want them at all (how do you not remember agreeing to have children?!)  I’m concerned for you that he says okay, we’ll talk about it in 7 years and when that day comes, his response is I don’t want kids. Then what?  You guys should really sit down and talk about this (maybe with a neutral 3rd party to mediate) and get to the bottom of where each of you stands.  

Yes at 33 and 37 fertility is a concern.  However, my cousin had her first (and only) child at 47 – completely healthy, natural, took no time at all for her to get pregnant. Of course that may not be the case for everyone, but you do still have time (though I totally understand why you’d want to have children sooner than that!)

Post # 5
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I am one of those kids whose parents were in their 60s while I was in college. My mom had me when she was 40 and my sister when she was 41. 

My own experiences have made me want to have children younger. I’m 23 now, but I want to have my first child in my late twenties. The generation gap between my parents and I has caused some issues growing up and can be very frustrating at times.

I’d really sit down with your SO and tell him your concerns and why it’s important for you. You’ve gotta get on the same page, especially for an issue this important. You don’t want to wait too late if you really want to become a mother.

Post # 6
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Have you asked him bluntly for a timeline?  When he says you have seven years, what do you say?  What does your doctor say?

I would at him with facts and figures.  Decreased fertility at such and such age.  Increased change of autism due to age of father.  Increased risk of EVERYTHING due to age of mother. Cost of a baby — how a baby will fit into your financial routine.  How a baby will fit into your daily routine.  

Post # 7
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yeah, that wouldn’t work for me. Honestly, it is something I’d probably ask if we could discuss with a counselor just to help us work through it (I’m a believer in using counseling for “tune-ups” though, not just when there is a major problem). Because we both probably would have underlying fears about becoming parents, and I’d like strategies to help work through that.

If you were younger, I’d say no big deal. But with your ages, time really is of the essence.

I’ve been extremely clear with Fiance that if we want to have kids, we have to get on it within 2 years of the wedding because of my age preferences. He better not be coming around to me at 35 and have decided he wants kids. So I will be on him about a year after the wedding to make a decision one way or the other. So I definitely feel you.

Post # 9
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@kay01:  If he would agree to anything you said, what would your plan for kids be?

Post # 11
Member
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@kay01: To be honest, based on your last post where you talked about his answers to your questions, he sounds like a) he really doesn’t want to have kids and doesn’t want to admit it to you or b) he is truly undecided and is stalling while he makes up his mind. 

What I would do is take out emotion and position yourself to talk facts (especially with him being a scientist he is obviously a logical person.) What will help him decide is to know the risk factors of waiting. Now, you telling him these risk factors will go in one ear and out the other, however, if a professional tells him, it will have more weight. 

I would set up an appointment with your doctor so that both of you could discuss the risks associated with waiting seven years. In addition, prior to that appointment, I would be very clear about when you want to have kids, and ask questions to your doctor about that timeline as well. Basically this appointment would be information gathering vs. planning. Tell your husband you are willing to explore a later timeline, but you want to make sure both of you are informed. 

If he is not willing to even have this exploratory appointment, then it sounds like he is leaning more towards not wanting to have kids. :/ 

Post # 12
Member
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I think that he really has to know how important this is to you. This may not be a popular answer, but if he doesn’t want to have kids ever, would you divorce him and find someone else who will give you what you want? If so, I would tell him that. It’s not fair for him to string you along and deprive you of the life that you want.

Post # 13
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@kay01:  This might be unrelated but how long have you been together (including marriage)?  I am wondering if your husband feels like you haven’t been newlyweds long enough to want to have children yet? 

I agree with PPs about meeting with a counselor and/or a dr to discuss family planning and the risks of waiting that long.  If you can’t come to an agreement, I think I’ll have to side with @Caroheart’s advice.  We have a friend who wanted children but his wife did not.  They had discussed this before getting married, too, but she changed her mind on it. 

 

Post # 14
Member
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

First – a bit of science. The risk for birth defects and autism do not go up with a woman’s age at birth. The risk for chromsome problems (like Down syndrome) does go up. The risk for Down syndrome in a 30 year old is 1 in 952. The risk for Down syndrome in a 40 year old is 1 in 106. The risk for any chromsome problem at age 40 is about 1 in 66 which is 1.5%. So 98.5% chance for no chromsome problems. Odds are still going to be heavily in your favor.

This is a 2 way decision. He does not get the final just because his answer is no. I think this is something that is worth pushing. With a marriage counselor, preferably. It sounds like he agreed to the vague notion of kids but is not scared by the reality. So he needs to determine if he’s going to be okay with kids. And he needs to be actively working on figuring this out. When my fiance first wanted to propose I asked him to wait because I knew he wanted kids and I wasn’t sure if I did or not. It took about 6 months of really thinking about it and talking it through with loved ones. Considering different possibilities. Noticing how I react to certain situations. It was really hard. But I ultimately decided that I would like to have a child. Your fiance needs to do the work and figure this out. And if he isn’t willing to do that you need to decide what your priorities are.

Post # 15
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I have to say that I kind of agree with AnnieAAA based on his questions.  You said you talked about kids before marriage I believe, which is good because you definitely need to be on the same page.  However, it seems like he told you kids were a-okay, when now it honestly sounds like he doesn’t or is on the fence and can’t decide one way or the other.  I’m one of those people who feels like children is NOT something you can compromise on.  I’ve heard people say to friends who don’t want kids, “Why don’t you compromise and have 1 kid instead of two so your partner can have a kid?”  If you don’t want kids that’s like saying, “Why don’t you give me $200 for doing nothing.  Wait!  I’ll compromise – give me $100 instead of $200 and we’ll call it even.”

It sounds like you did everything the right way and now your hubbie is flaking.  I know it sucks to hear, but if having children is something you must do and need to do, and he says NO!, you need to decide if you can stay married to him, especially given your age.  If you give up kids and don’t really want to, you will most likely resent him.  And if doesn’t want kids at all (which is a really crappy thing to decide after you went into the marriage with him saying he did), he may resent you for having a child and not want to partake in childcare activities (which would be equally sucky).

My husband and I talked at length about this, and we don’t want children (my hysterectomy helps with this).  However, I told him if he ever changed his mind and wanted a child more than he wanted to be with me, we would no longer be married.  He has said the same thing with regard to me.  You seem to want children badly, so you should have them.  Seven years is way too long.  It’s not like you want to pop out a kid right this second.  He needs to, as other PP’s have pointed out, talk to a neutral third party.  He may be afraid to or not want to, but it can do wonders when you’re at an impass.

Good luck and I hope things work out!

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