(Closed) Husband Yells – Sad and Confused

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
827 posts
Busy bee

I would leave, if I were you.  He sounds like my father, and if he really is anything like my father, you (and any kids you may have) will have a miserable life.  

Post # 4
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Betty1821:  People fight. If it’s a frequent thing you might have to seek counseling so you guys learn how to better express yourselves without getting mad at each other.

Me and my Fiance have yelled at each other. Not often but it does happen. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship where there wasn’t yelling every once in a while.

Post # 5
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Every couple fights, the key is to learn how to fight more “productively” so to speak. It sounds like COMMUNICATION is the root of the issue, with the back and forth about “I speak first” “no I speak first” “wait 30 seconds for me to finish my apology” stuff.

Welcome to the club, I think almost every couple would say communication can be a problem from time to time! It can really throw a snag in your relationship.

A counselor can be very helpful in that regard. It doesn’t sound like a huge underlying issue (since you said it’s only a small percentage of time that he ever loses his temper).

But if you go to a 3rd party who can give you both some tips, it will really improve your communication! In my area there are classes and retreats couples can go on whenever they want to do something extra for their marriage, it is associated with the Catholic Church which I am, but I’m sure they would let anyone who pays the nominal fee do it.

Post # 6
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would also encourage you to meet with a couple’s counselor so that she/he can help you to safely articulate what you need from each other during arguments. In the meantime, you may want to share with your spouse that you’ve been feeling unsafe during your recent arguments and would like to establish some ground rules. For my Fiance and I, one of the first ground rules we ever set was that there would be no cursing during arguments, at each other or in general, as this escalates the fight. So to answer your question, no, I personally do not believe cursing at your spouse is okay and think you have a right to ask for changes in your communication with each other.

Post # 7
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Betty1821:  Some people yell during fights and have happy marriages. I can’t stand it because people in my family do it.  For me, it would have been a deal breaker but plenty of people can live with it.

Post # 8
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper

@Betty1821:  First of all, it’s definitely not your fault. We are only hearing one side of the story, so we can’t say for sure if you antagonized him, but my honest guess is that you didn’t. He sounds very immature and has awful coping skills. A mature person would be able to hear such criticism without going into full-on freakout.

I had a similar (ish) issue with my husband. He yells/cusses when he is doing something (not at me, especially when we are arguing). LIke if he’s fixing the vacuum and it’s not working, he yells at the vacuum. I told him that it bothers me (when he had calmed down). I said, “It like you go from green to red in 5 seconds, and it brings the mood of the entire house down. I don’t know what to do, who to be or how to act when you do it. I don’t know if or how I should comfort you. If you continue to act like this, I’m going to just leave the house and/or not help you with whatever project because it’s not fun for me and quite frankly it scares me.”

It’s now become kinda a joke, we yell as a joke like an old married couple, but he has definitely toned it down a TON of notches. I made it very clear that our kids are going to make huge mistakes someday (my husband likes toys…nice TV’s, iPads and computers, you know) and will probably break his toys, stain the inside of his truck and rip the upholstry on our future boat – but THIS is NO WAY to talk to them. And he agreed.

I don’t think this is a reason to end a marriage, but it’s something that needs to be dealt with prior to having children… Like a PP said, a child would have a miserable life being blown up on in early ages.

I definitely agree with the counseling suggestion. This is something you need to get across to him and clearly the way you’re doing it (which I don’t think it’s wrong at all! I just think sometimes we accidentally push our husband’s buttons without intending to) is getting to him – you need a third person to help you.

He blames it on you, then reacts with, “I’m the evil person, poor me, wahh” which is a classic person who has trouble coping. They can’t accept that they MAY have been wrong – the idea upsets them beyond belief. It may be nothing, but it may honestly go back to how his dad treated him. You do NOT want to do that to your kids. He needs help! He needs anger management. It may be considered “mild” now because he’s not physically abusive, but verbally abusive is still damaging to a child and a wife’s mind.

Hugs and prayers sent your way. Please PM me if you need to talk further. <3

Post # 9
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

No, it’s not ok. But it isn’t the end of the world either, my husband is a hollerer, and it used to be a big problem in our marriage, and it took a few years to get to better place with it.  What we found out is that sometimes, my insistence that we discuss and resolve something at once was not working.  Not everyone works that way, and if we’re talking about something that’s a touchy subject or arguing about something, he can tell me he needs a break and I drop it.  We always come bak to it in the next day or so, and after he’s had a little time to think on it, he’s always in a better place to talk.

Post # 10
Member
4895 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

@ChuckNorris:  I need to write that down and tell that to my FH the next time he does the exact same thing. Glad to see it worked for you! 

OP, it  isn’t your fault – you didn’t make him yell, but you should nip it in the bud ASAP. I grew up with a father who yelled (ALL the time) and it was miserable for everyone in the house. 

Post # 11
Member
1716 posts
Bumble bee

He yells like that a couple times a week?

Mine only does that like… a couple times a YEAR.

 

I think you guys need some couples counceling and he needs anger management.

Post # 12
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

A couple of times a week is a couple of times too many. If you said he only did it every 6 months o a year, then ok, he has a few bad days, but that often? Y’all might need some counseling for his anger issues.

Post # 13
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My mother did it all the time when I was growing up and to this day, loud voices make me jump and my heart pound. Does he want that for your kids?

Post # 14
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

my fiance and i came up with a way to deter from him blowing up. he has an awful temper, it just almost never happens. So when it does i shut down verbally and emotionally. i told him how i felt about it one time after he got upset about something very minor (it was a buildup of things from the week and i just happened to be around when the straw broke the camels back) and he said, next time i start getting like that, take a water bottle and spray me with it! I was like ‘whatt?? are you SERIOUS?’ lol and he told me yes because if hes getting all flustered about something and then i just come out of nowhere and spray him in the face that he’d do the following:

realize that wow, okay I must be gettng out of control to actually spray me with water

and then he would laugh because i’m actually spraying him with water. 

haha! So i made SURE this was what he wanted me to do, and what do you know, a few weeks later when he started getting all fired up i walked away and got a water gun i have recently purchased and drenched him all over his face. he froze and i thought ‘oh shit’ but then he totally turned his anger down and laughed at it. then we actually got to discuss what was making him angry rather than him yelling a bunch. 

i recomment trying this with yours but you should probably ask him about it first, not all men will react the same way to a water gun to the face! lol

Post # 15
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I agree that counseling might need to be on the table for you guys. But to start I would talk to him about it, at a time when he is not already upset. Tell him you want to talk about it, but only if you can both agree to hear each other out and not badger or yell at the other. Use lots if “I” statements. “When people yell at me I feel…” as opposed to “I hate when you yell at me!fez everyone has the right to get upset, even in marriage. But how you handle/express that anger DOES matter.

And if he isn’t willing to hear you out or respect your feelings I would take that as a red flag. 

Post # 16
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I understand your frustration, because my SO used to struggle with this. The problem is that when someone is at the point that they’re angry enough to yell, they are flood – they can’t emotionally process or think rationally. I would really reccomend couples counseling. My SO and I went for 6 or so months and it was so helpful. He is really good about leaving when he’s frustrated now…he feels himself getting upset and he will go outside for five minutes and then come back to talk. In the rare instances he doesn’t walk away and he starts to blow up, my rule is that I walk away. If he rasies his voice, I am out of the room and he knows this. 

 

To answer one of your questions – no you didn’t make him yell. You cannot make him DO anything. He has a right to his emotions – anger is healthy – but he does NOT have a right to act on that anger in a way that’s cruel. Yelling is not okay. It HURTS to be screamed at. 

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