(Closed) Husband's Comments About Appearance Affecting Sex Life

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 17
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

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@mimi123:  I am sorry you are dealing with this. 🙁 A helpful comment in my mind is “don’t pick your pimples they will scar” (which I am terrible at and I hear from Fiance all the time). But lazer hair removal, braces, being bothered if there’s a little hair on your legs, that sounds a bit crazy. Also, attempting to control how you wear your hair just irks me. In my mind marriage is about acceptance, and I would be incredibly pissed if Fiance had a go at me for any of the things that your husband has mentioned. 

Have you explained to him that pornstars take like 5-7 days to get ready for shoots? (I have neeever done porn but have a friend who does). To prep she gets a tan, gets everything waxed, changes up her diet completely, enemas (ewww), then she has professionals do her hair/makeup, cover her in body makeup to hide any sort of stretch mark or scar, and then proceeds to eat nothing but eggwhites and asparagus on the day of the shoot (I suspect they are very stinky shoots). Point is, that’s unachievable in the real world, she gains back about 4kgs and is not hairless and looks veeery different in the real world. 

“if you know it would help me be more turned on, then why wouldn’t you do it?” because i feel like it is very controlling, that’s why. – I think you hit the nail on the head. It’s not a helpful suggestion, it’s an attempt to control you.

 

Post # 18
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@Coral99:  my Fiance is a virgo and he could care less about what I look like 😀 When our 3rd child was born I was so exhausted I’d go for days without a shower (I’d just forget to take one, don’t hate me lol ) and my virgo guy wouldnt say a word and would still kiss me and tell me I smell great – something wrong with his nose I am sure.

Post # 19
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@mimi123:  I don’t think I could deal with your situation. I can’t even imagine having to deal with it. I have no advice for you, maybe just try pushing counseling again? This sucks 🙁

Post # 20
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

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@mimi123:  I am sorry I am not trying to be rude or pick sides, but I see it the same as your husband. I just believe that a committed relationship is work. I think it is a two way street. To me unconditional love is saying the hard stuff, becuase you love them soo much you want them to be the best they can be. Yeah sometimes it hurts, but damnit if I have a moustache I wanna know.

Post # 21
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@beemo:  So, she’s suppsed to laser, and all this other stuff he wants?  Where will it end?  

Post # 23
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mimi123:  “if you know it would help me be more turned on, then why wouldn’t you do it?”

He’s being a jerk. HE might *think* he’s being honest and open, but he’s still being a jerk.

Most men seem to instinctively know that criticising their partner is not a good thing. Somehow your DH missed the memo. I’ve no idea what to suggest. Perhaps suggest he gets on the internet, finds a forum, describes his behaviour, and asks if it’s acceptable. I’m guessing even if he finds a men’s forum he’ll be howled down.

Anyway, ((hugs)), criticism from your partner is never easy.

Post # 24
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would definitely not take kindly to such comments and would definitely cop an attitude. You are real woman who shares her life and love with her man – not a Barbie doll.

Post # 25
Hostess
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Have you tried writing him a letter like what you said here? He may understand better if you can get all of your thoughts out, uninterrupted. 

Post # 26
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Did he do this before you were married? I can’t even imagine what you are going through.

Post # 28
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

“if you know it would help me be more turned on, then why wouldn’t you do it?”

This sounds like emotional blackmail and it seems like this whole situation has the potential to turn into (if it’s not already) emotional/mental abuse.

He definitely has problems and needs to get them sorted out. No real woman could ever meet his unrealistic expectations. He wants a Barbie doll.

Edited to add: Maybe you should get a Barbie doll and just toss it at him next time he makes a damn comment. “meet your new girlfriend.”

Post # 29
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

is he going to pay for all these “necessary for attraction” changes? If you’re flying, he’s buying. But seriously, it’s unhealthy that your normal, natural female appearance bothers him. Let him know that his perfect porn princesses are getting hiv at an alarming rate, or show him the post of porn stars without their makeup, and I think he’ll be more appreciative.

Porn stars without makeup 1

 

porn stars without makeup 2

 

porn stars without makeup 3

 

Post # 31
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It sounds to me like your husband isn’t very happy with himself. Has he always been this critical of you, or can you pinpoint when it started?

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