(Closed) Husband's Comments About Appearance Affecting Sex Life

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 34
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

There’s suggesting something, and then there’s this. 

FH has certain tastes as well – and I know when he’s trying to tell me something. Instead of saying “I don’t like your hair up in a bun”, he says “I love when you have your hair down, it makes you look sexy!”  Or something like that. Positive reinforcement. 

Tell him that’s what you might react well to – not criticism. 

Your husband isn’t being a dick/jerk like PPs said – he just communicates his thoughts differently. And you have the right to tell him that what/how he says makes you feel shitty. That hopefully will get him to understand!! 

*Hugs* 

Post # 35
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@mimi123:  Losing a job and unemployment can really affect the way a person views themself. Do you think he’d be open to talking to a counselor or someone? Because I can almost guarantee the problem is rooted in how he views himself and has nothing to do with you or your physical appearance.

Post # 37
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It’s definitely the porn giving him the unrealistic expectations, porn gives the idea women are hairless, plastic, Barbie dolls. It is a totalfantasy. The amount of artifice that goes into creating that look is mind blowing – plastic surgery, buckets of make up, waxing, bleaching, etc…. All that and then still tons of lighting tricks and post production editing (airbrushing) to erase all sign of a woman’s actual humanity – it is total objectification. 

Im a VERY liberal person, and really don’t care whcon consenting adults want to do with each other or alone, but the biggest problem I have with porn is it creating this totally unrealistic (and quite frankly bizzare) idea of women and sex. Men would be much better off discovering their real sexuality and preferences in real life, not in front of a glowing screen full of BS. Even the “old” pornography – like Playboy in the 1950s – where women were beautiful, but real – they had body hair! They had curves! They had real boobs! – were fine. But the porn today has obliterated reality, and since men are such visual creatures and learners it causes big problems with their view of women if porn is one of their major sexual outlets (as opposed to, you know, real sex with a real woman).

Post # 38
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@mimi123:  Has he always been this way or just since you’ve been married? It sounds to me like he is trying to mold his ideal woman rather than loving and accepting the real woman he actually married. I can’t blame you for not wanting to have sex with him as I wouldn’t either in fear that he’d suggest stretch mark remover or something.

My husband will often joke that he prefers my long hair down rather than in a bun (he calls it the “dreaded bun”) but he certainly isn’t trying to make me feel bad about myself or change who I am. Small things like that are fine to change (I never wear a bun for sexy time) but it sounds like he wants to change how you look fundamentally.

If he can’t accept you and is ruining your self-esteem, I can’t envision a healthy long term future for you two.

Post # 40
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@mimi123:  OMG, please do not go to questionable salons; people have gotten diseases from them using the same wax on multiple people.  

Post # 42
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@mimi123:  Definitely,  no one is perfect,  and we all age, as well. 

Post # 43
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@rosworms:  +1, well said.

OP, I wish I could smack the stupid out of your husband. What the hell is wrong with him?? So he gets to nitpick you, but when it comes to talking about how he is making you feel like shit, he can’t talk about it because he doesn’t want to feel bad. I call total bullshit. 

Post # 44
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@mimi123:  Wow, he definitely is not being “loving” by pointing out your every flaw. You should be attractive to him, even without every hair plucked out, your hair perfectly mussed but shiny, etc. I think you are right that he is comparing you to porno girls, and thinking that their highly groomed and coated in makeup selves is in any way normal, when in reality it is quite the opposite.  The fact that he expects you to act like an actress (and actress – even the porn women more than likely don’t act like that when they have sex in real life!) is insanely unhealthy and demeaning to you. He has a real woman, and instead he wants her to be more fake.

How can you possibly feel like opening yourself up to someone vulnerably when they criticize you and look for things to find unattractive? Of course you don’t want to have sex, and of course you can’t relax enough to have an orgasm! Because, quite frankly, your husband is being an ass.  He is cutting away daily at the trust and openness that earns sex.

I think he needs counseling. When men can’t be properly turned on by a normal woman anymore, it shows they have some level of delusion and likely addiction to porn. I think you need to be totally honest with him if you haven’t – inform him how loathesome the idea of being in the same bed as him – much less intimate – is for you because of his hyper critical ways. Tell him how unrealistic and unhealthy his expectations are, and how whatever he says, you and he both know bloody well that what he is saying is not in any way a compliment, loving, or helpful, and that if there is not a genuine change, your sex life will stop. 

Maybe he can start focusing on himself and what’s not so great, rather than looking for problems with others.

Post # 45
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@mimi123:  Oh no, it sounds like porn is definitely part of the root of the problem. 

I hope that if you do tell him of the prep work involved in porn, that he will not want you to simulate such preparatory measures. 

Post # 46
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

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@mimi123:  Also, we’re in Australia. The Australian porn industry is far more natural and toned down than the American industry (which is probably what your husband is seeing). 

I have to disagree with a lot of posters on this thread who have said that porn makes men have unrealistic expectations…they’re adults and (presumably) can differentiate between what is fake and what is real life.

 

This interests me “he also watches a specific kind of porn and expects that I will act just like the porn actresses do. “ what kind of porn is it? 

 

I also found these which I think are interesting. 🙂 (Sorry I have no idea how to hyperlink them!)

 

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