(Closed) Husband's Comments About Appearance Affecting Sex Life

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 47
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
@mimi123:  No, that’s ridiculous. What’s next? Maybe get some lip injections because “lips will get worse over time”. I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt about shaving & hair styles…..but this is wrong. OMG. I would give him a taste of his own medicine. “Hey hon, maybe you should put down tha brownie, you’re packing on a few. Just sayin’ babe, you look better without the gut.”  

FWIW, i think crooked teeth are adorable!! 

Post # 48
Member
2944 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@mimi123:  I’m going to be brutally honest. Your husband is a straight up asshole. I don’t care if your other conversations are about how awesome the rest of you and your life are. It doesn’t at all make up for the fact that he clearly has zero concept of what real love is and just wants to be part of a porn. He needs to get his shit together like yesterday.

In the meantime, you should put up posters of Taylor Lautner, Ryan Reynolds, the entire cast of 300, etc around the house. Hound the hell out of him until he has zero percent body fat with abs that could shred cheese, hair that stays completely in place yet is cuddly soft, can smell like cookies while he works out, and glitters in the sun. These are non-negotiable.

Oh, and it isn’t “like” being controlling. It IS controlling. After this, he’ll be picking out your clothes, telling you what you can and can not eat, who your friends should be, etc. Nip it in the bud. You deserve much, MUCH better treatment than this not just as his wife but as a fellow human being. Good luck and please always remember you can turn to folks here for support.

 

Post # 49
Member
4688 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

HisMoon is right.

Post # 50
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Everyone has great suggestions.

 

you are a much better woman than I am. My response would have been “Well it turns me on when you give me money to be properly groomed at all times. So why don’t you make more money since you know it turns me on?”

 

or something equally as snide and unproductive. LOL

Post # 51
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I feel like I can see both sides of the situation. If he is making you feel this way then obviously he is not being considerate of your feelings and that’s a problem.

On the other hand, most people DO have a few little things they could fix to look better, or don’t notice, and some people have the attitude where it’s not a priority to them whereas others would want to be told. And their romantic partners have different atittudes too– some don’t care or think it’s cute, others find these things distracting and so easily fixable that why not mention them?

I absolutely do this to my FI– I will let him know if he has pit stains or missed a spot shaving or should go floss, I tell him if I think his outfit isn’t working, and on the more extreme end I am absolutely insisting that he get invisalign. This is okay in our relationship because honestly we are both a little vain and he especially always wants to be his best, but even still I know I’ve hurt his feelings sometimes and I feel terrible about it. 

Sometimes I have even worried that I don’t love him enough because I notice these flaws and supposedly if you love someone you don’t care, but it’s just my personality (I work in fashion and my hobby is reasearching fine art, I have a very detail-oriented and critical eye!) and if he weren’t on the same page we wouldn’t be together. But there’s also the fact that 95% of the time I look at him I feel just amazed by how gorgeous he is and how much I love him, and I tell him that. I’m sure that’s how your DH feels about you, but he needs to express it!

So this may just be an issue that you’re incompatible in this area. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a great relationship on the whole!

But there may need to be some compromise. As women we are usually our own worst critics so it’s extra hurtful to have a guy tell us something we might already know or feel bad about! Maybe you can both make a change: he needs to be sensitive to how you feel and not criticise the way you look, and tell you what he finds beautiful about you. If he wants something particular in general, he can try to say it in a positive way (“I love it when you wear your hair down” or “last time you waxed it was so sexy!) and if he wants to make a critical comment he should ask himself if it’s really necessary–like if there’s something in your teeth that’s one thing but if he hates that pair of shoes, let it go.

In return…if there’s a particular way of wearing your hair you know he hates, would it kill you to wear it differently? Would you be willing to make an extra effort to groom yourself the way he likes? I’m a feminist and I absolutely don’t believe you are obligated to do this, but you have chosen to marry a human being to whom it seems to be very important, so you might ask yourself if you’d be willing to make that effort to make him happy as long as he was kind and loving to you!

Post # 52
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@mimi123:  I would give him a choice – does he prefer the pretend world on the screen and his hand or real sex with his wife. Seriously – the porn is causing him to put pressure on you to become something that doesn’t really exist. I don’t think he has a clue how unrealistic his expectations are or that what he watches on the screen isn’t anywhere close to reality. 

Or you could get a few photos of male porn stars (surprise surprise gay male porn stars are way more unrealistic than men in st8 porn – because men are their audience!) and tell him you want him to have penis enlargement surgery, complete body waxing including his balls, six pack abs, square jaw, atoned muscular physique, tan year round, full head of hair, etc… Throw those fantasy expectation right back him. Oh and by the way you want multiple orgasms from him every single time. 

Post # 53
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@S

View original reply
angriiia:   

have to disagree with a lot of posters on this thread who have said that porn makes men have unrealistic expectations…they’re adults and (presumably) can differentiate between what is fake and what is real life.Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/husbands-comments-about-appearance-affecting-sex-life/page/2#ixzz2eSaaQZNk

They should do, but the sad fact is that some do not. 

Post # 54
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

View original reply
@PromiseRooster:  She did choose to marry him, but it seems his expectations have gotten stricter after marriage.  

Post # 55
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
@Schrodingers-Car:  That’s a good point.

I guess what I meant was that he cares about this, and if the person she loved enough to marry cares about something she might consider a compromise. 

Post # 56
Member
1534 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

View original reply
@mimi123:  http://fstoppers.com/pornstars-before-and-after-makeup This kinda goes along with what some others were talking about. Even the beautiful and sexy porn stars look rough without make up on. And us ladies don’t want to have to get dolled up EVERYDAY, he needs to chillax. SO is lucky if I shave my legs once a week, and he doesn’t mind one bit.

Post # 57
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

View original reply
@PromiseRooster:  Thank you

A compromise may be able to be reached. What worries me is that if she does X, then he may ask for Y, Z, AA, BB, etc.  I might also balk if I knew these expectations were being based on pornography, rather than ones he might have wanted before porn became such a pastime for him.  I also think that if she does choose to complete the changes, he should finance them. 

 

Post # 58
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
@Schrodingers-Car:  I totally agree with those points!

Financing doesn’t seem like a big deal to me because I just assume they have joint finances, but I do agree that however the money works out the burden should be on him to make it work (aka if they have a budget with no room for waxing he needs to give up something that’s a “him” expense to afford it, etc)

I also am uncertain how the porn is involved? Like the OP mentioned that she feels compared to the women is porn, and porn is a hot-button issue for a lot of people, but I didn’t want to get into it because unless he made a specific comment about her vs. those women or he has really changed his porn habits I don’t know how it changes the situation.

Post # 59
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@mimi123:  I think if you want your relationship to work, you should look into counselling.

I’m very sorry you don’t have someone that lifts you up as he should.

Honestly I wouldnt be able to be with someone like that, and if counselling doesn’t work I would rethink your relationship with this man.

Post # 60
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I also had a relationship like this.  I always had high self esteem and this guy (not even the greatest looking) almost made me a bulimic with his constant “you look fat” kinda comments (when I was 130 lb and 5ft4) and his “you should wear your hair down”, “dont like the way you dress”, “you should wear some make up”.  It really stinks and it really hurts.  We kinda worked it out, but he was a real jerk in other issues as well.

 

I hope it works out fine for you.  Tell him that he is hurting you and that he needs to accept who you are and that you are happy with who you are.  

 

Hughs!!

Post # 61
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

View original reply
@PromiseRooster:  Thank you.  Yes, if they have joint finances, he should give up something else he wants in order to fufill this need.  That is if she agrees to these changes being made. 

Also, he loved her enough to marry her, as well.  My emotional self says he needs to act like it. 

 

 

 

I thought I read that he had made a comment to her regarding the porn. 

 

The topic ‘Husband's Comments About Appearance Affecting Sex Life’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors