(Closed) Husband's Comments About Appearance Affecting Sex Life

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 62
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I must also say that,  in any event, he is behaving in an unloving, and unappreciative, manner. 

Post # 63
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Have you thought about giving him a taste of his medicine?  Chances are he isn’t perfect either and then maybe he would realize he’s being a jerk and making you feel bad.  For example, I had a BF who called me “chubby bunny” as a nick-name.  I HATED it and it made me feel- chubby?  Definitely not good about myself.  And I am a size 4- really not chubby, though I do always have chubby arms.  My mom pinches the back of my arms and teases me about marshmellow arms (white and fluffy)- so it didn’t make be feel good.  He thought it was cute and it was extra hilarious when I got upset about it.  Christmas came and I spent Christmas morning with his family.  I addressed his gifts to “Obese Elephant” and from Chubby Bunny and his family read it aloud on every gift- they all thought it was hilarious and called him Obese Elephant for the rest of the day (they had all heard him call me chubby bunny in the past AND me asking him not to).  It’s not a great example, and not as serious as what you are going through, but he stopped calling me chubby bunny after that.  Good luck!

Post # 64
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mimi123:  *Hugs* IT sounds like you need a night out with the girls! Your hubby’s comments are not helpful if he keeps repeating them time after time (like the leg stubble, which we all have at some point, geez).

You definitely need to sit down with him (preferably if its at a counselor’s), and just tell him straight up that every time he suggests various means of ‘improving’ you, it hurts your feelings and makes it harder for you to be turned on sexually with him. You could even ask him why he seems to think you need to improve, especially if he didn’t harp on the so-called imperfections prior to marriage.

If he is basing these ideas that you have to be a perfect hairless molded Barbie doll porn star for him, he needs to rethink how he views women. Porn exaggerates everything from length of sex to chest sizes, and it is not realistic at all. He may need to seek a different type of counseling for that.

As for that being a Virgo trait, I have to say, my Fiance (who is also a Virgo) does not care how hairy my legs can get, much less have issues with my other features. I don’t think it’s a typical trait, although Virgos can have a tendency to be loving one moment and critical the next.

Good luck in whatever you end up doing, and please keep us posted. We’ve got our fingers crossed for you, and hope this problem gets resolved soon!

Post # 65
Member
2278 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🙁 What did he say when you told him you felt like he was looking at you through critical eyes? I also agree with the PP’s that his views are unhealthy, unrealistic, and honestly, downright mean. “More attracted”? – What the heck!?

Post # 66
Member
6105 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ughh, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what that must feel like. I mean, I say those things about myself all the time…but if my Fiance said them, I would be so hurt. I say I’m fat, but Fiance says he loves my body. He tries to get me to exercise and makes sure I’m not eating horribly, but that’s because he knows I hate my body, not because he does. I hate how I look with my hair up, but he loves it when I wear a pony tail and always makes me feel better when I’m too lazy to wear my hair down. Etc.

Your husband needs to love you, “for better, for worse”. Of course he can have his preferences about your appearance (I’m sure you feel the same about him) but he’s going about it all wrong. Instead of giving you an ugly face when you throw your hair up in a bun, he could just emphasize how beautiful it looks when it’s down. Since men don’t have the burden of shaving their legs, spending time doing their hair, putting on makeup, wearing tight and sometimes uncomfortable clothing, etc, they don’t understand just how much work it is. Sometimes we just feel like throwing our hair up, not putting on makeup, and lounging around in sweats.

Post # 67
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Uh if that were me I would say “I think you would look better if you could turn into Ryan Gosling… Make that happen!” Followed by a very enthusiastic “FUCK OFF.”

What saddens me about this is you have a wonderful body image and he is tryin to tear that down. I don’t even know what to advise you to do, I’m sorry this is happening.

Post # 68
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I don’t get what all the fuss is about. Sounds ilke a very loving, thoughtful husband to tell you how hideous he thinks you are and how you should correct every conceivable flaw to fit his vision of sexy. I mean, and he would *so* do the same for you – until you call his bluff and give him things to change. But until that moment, he would SO do it.

I went through something similar  years ago with my husband – only not with appearances, but how I managed things around the house. One day, he decided to nitpick me and I blew up at him. It’s probably the only time that I swore and yelled at him, but I was d-o-n-e. I made it clear that if it continued, I would be moving out. 

It’s one thing to say, “Hey, you’ve left clothes all over the place and I believe insects are making this filthy place their home.” It’s another to constantly tell someone, “You didn’t put the garbage bag in right. You left the bathroom light on. You…” No. It takes two seconds to correct, do it yourself.

The same is true here. It would be ONE thing if, say, you were morbidly obese and it was affecting your health. Or you had a deformity that was profoundly affecting your life and it could easily be corrected. But that’s just not the case here, and you have every right to be upset and angry. 

I do think I’d tell him, “This has gotten severe enough that it’s affecting our sex life and I don’t want to be around you. For me, something is definitely wrong here. We need to have this addressed, or I need to move out on my own for a while.” 

Once he understands that getting help for this is *NOT* an option and it’s not something he can brush under the rug, he might actually do something. But right now, he gets to say, “Wahh! I don’t wanna!” whenever you want to talk about it, and you respond by backing down. I imagine he’ll continue resorting to that tactic until it doesn’t work anymore.

In his mind, it’s sending the implicit message that it’s not that bad. Spell out how bad it is, OP.

 

Post # 70
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This is so sad. I would feel the same as you if my DH said the same things. How can he expect you to feel comfortable to have sex with him if he’s always commenting on what he doesn’t like about your appearence? Even if you haven’t shaven your legs in a couple weeks or didn’t brush your hair he should still tell you you’re beautiful.

Post # 71
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@mimi123:  Hopefully the talk is productive!

Post # 72
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2010

The thing a husband and wife in a marriage need to decide is do they want to be right or do they want to be happy.

Every guy is great in some areas not so great in others. Some are sexy, some are poor, some are patient, some hate your mother, some are great fathers, some are complete slobs, some accept you physically as you are and some would like you to correct some of your flaws.

 

Is your husband mean spirited about it? Is he trying to make you feel bad? Are his comments purposely hurtful? Those answers I think are key.

 

Talking to him rationally about this makes sense. Tell him how you feel. Get him to understand. Share with him how important it is for a woman to feel loved and admired and longed for. Also ask him how he feels. Don’t you want your husband to find you sexy and very attractive? Perhaps taking some of his suggestions will have a two fold postive effect:he will be more interested and turned on by you. And secondly and at least as important you will probably wind up looking and feeling better. I’ve listened to my husband about a couple of physcial things. He didn’t mean any harm by telling me. In retrospect I’m glad he did.

 

This is just my opinion and there are several on this thread but what matters is you both discuss this.

 

 

 

Post # 73
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Just a quick comment on the teeth thing. For some people teeth are no big deal, but for others, like myself, they are a huge deal. As shallow and vein this sounds, I almost didn’t introduce myself to Fiance because of her teeth. At 26 years old, I just got my braces off (again) to correct my teeth and while they aren’t perfect, they are as perfect as they are going to get. 

 

I have told her from the beginning that I have a thing for teeth and I’ve mentioned a few times that it’s something I would like her to correct. She knows I love her endlessly but sometimes it IS a turn off. Thankfully she agrees and we will be correcting it as much as we can. No harm, no foul. 

 

In the same sense, I would expect her to tell me if she found something unattractive about me and she has. I don’t think I’m a perfect pretty, pretty princess and my shit doesn’t stink. If I’m wearing a shirt she hates, she tells me. If I have bad BO or my hair is a greasy mess and it grosses her out, she tells me. No biggie. I would rather be aware that my pits are rank and I need to shower than to have her gagging silently all day because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. 

 

ETA: there are real benefits to getting braces. Your teeth WILL worsen and wear down incorrectly over time if they are not properly aligned. Your teeth want to match with their pair. If that doesn’t happen they move and try to meet other teeth. (Very cute, eh?) As your teeth wear down from not being in the right place, other teeth move trying to meet up with the other one causing shifting and a worse smile than you currently have. Why do you think we have to wear retainers for so long after we get our braces off? Teeth are always moving and shifting. 

 

 

 

Post # 74
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Since you said it started from when he lost his job, it could be because now you are spending a lot more time in a tiny apartment together that maybe it easy to get annoyed with each other, to nitpick and to take you for granted! Also, he probably has more time free to watch porn and is going into a downward spiral. It isn’t right what he is saying to you, but we should all look after ourselves for the sake of our own health (mental and physical) and for those we are married to. I think it is fair for a man to want a woman to not dress sloppy all the time, not put any make-up on, etc but when it comes to him telling you to wax that is too far.

 

Post # 75
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Since you said it started from when he lost his job, it could be because now you are spending a lot more time in a tiny apartment together that maybe it easy to get annoyed with each other, to nitpick and to take you for granted! Also, he probably has more time free to watch porn and is going into a downward spiral. It isn’t right what he is saying to you, but we should all look after ourselves for the sake of our own health (mental and physical) and for those we are married to. I think it is fair for a man to want a woman to not dress sloppy all the time, not put any make-up on, etc but when it comes to him telling you to wax that is too far.

 

Post # 76
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You are a better person than me, because I would sit there and rip him apart for his flaws (I know that’s childish) maybe then he would know how crappy it feels.

I would have a serious sit down with him. You don’t deserve that. And don’t let this get to you. I’m sure you are a beautiful girl. He is clearly attracted to you if he married you. If it still continues after a talk, I would absolutely suggest counseling. 

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