- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
Is your husband mean spirited about it? Is he trying to make you feel bad? Are his comments purposely hurtful? Those answers I think are key.
The answers to all of these are no, he isn’t. He is not a mean spirited person in the least. But, he is maddening. I think he honestly doesn’t appreciate how bad words hurt and how bad this kind of thing can make a woman feel. Even when I criticized him, it just didn’t have the same impact on him as it does on me. As women, I just think we are more sensitive. He has a big stomach and I told him he looked 6 months pregnant.
Be careful here – my friends sister was married to a guy like this. She already took very good care of herself and looked amazing. He made her get waxes all the time, he wouldnt go out with her if her roots were growing in. He even convinced her to get a boob job, and even pressured her into getting a bigger size than she wanted. Anyway, he ended up cheating on her with a co-worker after 2 years of marriage – and she hated that she married a guy like him, and made major changes to her body for him. She is now married to a guy that loves her completely – and she is so happy.
I would also make it clear that this goes both ways. He makes these unfair demands because “you should want me to be the most attracted I can to you.” Well, his demands make you unattracted to him (and to yourself, which is much worse). So, he’s ruining his own sex life.
I seriously don’t like your husband at all, but you obviously love him. He needs to talk to you and listen to your feelings, go to counselling or you need to leave. This is not what I would consider a healthy relationship.
Can you imagine what he will be like when you are 10 years older? Will he want you to undergo surgery one day to fix your saggy bits, get some breast implants to keep them full, will he one day want you to be on a fitness and eating regime to keep you looking “pert” for him? This will only get worse over time.
He has unreal exectations, his wife is not a trophy wife and there to please him in every way possible. It sounds like he wants a Stepford wife, stay at home all day, always dolled up, always waxed, always got your nails done, always got your hair done, and always after a fix for any little bits “wrong” with your look.
You are not there to get him off, he should be turned on because you are the woman he loves, not some hot thing to gawk at!
I am what you could very safely call a “unnatural” person: I’m all makeup. Hell, I don’t even HAVE eyebrows unless I put them on; you can wipe my “beauty” off with a wet kleenex. I was this way when Fiance met me, and we worked together so he only ever saw the finished product.
Now, 3ish years in and living together, he sees (literally) a different human being when he gets up in the morning: no eyebrows, acne and scars all out, hairy sasquatch legs. It aint pretty.
However, never once has he looked at me and said “I really wish you’d go put your makeup on/shave your legs/not wear your hair like that…wouldnt you want me to be more attracted to you? I’m just being honest.” He may *think* it when he sees me without my “war paint” but, as far as he’s ever shown me, he thinks I’m just fine when I roll out of bed with drool dried on my face.
You deserve that. We *all* deserve that. I’m not saying you should dump him and take off, but I definitely think counseling is in order…because, “honest” or not, what he’s saying to you is not ok.
I wanted to come back and update this since I always like to know what happens after I comment on a post.
I did have a few long talks with DH and things are much better now. Haven’t had much of a problem since. I am not naive though and know that this is probably going to be an ongoing issue throughout the marriage.
I told him that his “suggestions” are a massive turnoff. And yes, it seemed to have started when he got laid off and of course it worsened now that we are living together in an absolutely tiny apartment. He said he understood and he’s definitely been much nicer since.
Anyway thanks Bees for your help.
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