Husband's ex who he deeply loved has been contacting him and I feel lost

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
10549 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Oh dear, bee. I would not be happy with him being in contact with her either. She’s not an old friend, she’s an ex. Have you told him you want him to cut all contact?

He should block her number and block her on social media. 

Post # 3
9821 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Nope. It’d be her or me.

Have you tried counseling?

Post # 4
10640 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Trust your instincts on this one. 

I’m about as liberal as they come on the whole male/female/friends with exes front and I think this is just asking for trouble based on what you’ve said.

That said, if he really does have feelings for her and she for him then I’m not sure anything you say or do will stop the inevitable from happening, bee. Either they’ll go behind your back or he’ll just flat out leave you or force you to leave him. 

Post # 5
2673 posts
Sugar bee

NOoooope. He does not need a new female ‘friend’ right in the middle of a rough patch in your marriage.

It would be different if they had an established friendship before you met. Or if they were actually just friends previously and reconnected. Whether or not his intentions are pure – he’s playing with fire and putting your relationship recklessly at risk. 

shut. that. shit. down. 

Post # 6
9399 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

with PPs here.

I’m fine with friends with exes and friends with other sex.. and if you guys were in a really solid place I may even be willing to overlook the other red flags (but I do think there are some.. e.g. jumping out of bed to see if its her contacting him?!) but given the fact you’ve been going through some marital strife.  Hard no.

If I were you, I’d feel deeply betrayed if he decided to ignore your pleas that he focus on your relationship and put any possible friendship with her on the backburner for now and meet up with her.

Post # 7
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It’d be serious conversation time for me, if I was in your shoes. I’d be totally up front and honest with him. “Look, I know how much your relationship with “ex” meant to you. I know how much you loved her and cared about her, and this makes me feel really insecure in our relationship. I am committed to working through this rough patch that we have been going through, as I firmly believe we will get through it stronger than we were before. I need to know that you are also 100% in it with me. My concern is that her coming into the picture will disrupt what we are working so hard to get through, as evidenced by your actions already to this point. This means, no contact with her, no meeting up with her and a total focus on getting back to a good point between us. Are you willing to do that?” 

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I really don’t think there’s going to be much you can do to stop him from pursuing his communications with her if he says he’s unwilling to cut contact. It sounds like that emotional attachment is already there, at least on his side.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, bee. It is heartbreaking – I went through similar in my first marriage and it is the worst feeling. I certainly hope for your sake that he is willing to listen and work with you to move beyond your current rough patch. But if he’s not, then he was never really yours to begin with because he has been harboring feelings for this other woman all this time, and at least you’ll know that so that you can move on and find someone who truly loves YOU and wants to be with you.

Post # 9
709 posts
Busy bee

No. Not the person, not the time, no, no. Just no. 

Post # 10
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would ask him to call her with you on speaker, and tell her not to contact him again, in any way, shape or form.  If not, he’s emotionally cheating on you.  You might really need to firmly, lay it on the line.  

Post # 11
2624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

You need to have a serious talk with him, this is completely inappropriate ESPECIALLY considering you guys are going through your own issues. You two should both be focusing on how to get your marriage back on track, he needs to tell her to stop contacting him.

AND, shame on her for reaching out to him when she knows he’s married. Both of them are being sketchy.

Post # 12
404 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
marine15 :  I’m sorry bee- this really sucks. When did you meet your husband (how old was he ) and how long have you been married? 

Post # 14
9399 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
marine15 :  yeah… you know you’re right here, bee.

also, if counseling didn’t help, try another counselor.  As with any profession some are better than others.  Add to the fact that this profession is one where a good “fit” is very important.

Things can’t get better without work.  If nothing else a counselor forces you to spend an hour each week doing the work.

ETA: that was re: your first update.  RE: feeling like you’re a rebound.  That’s really something you need to talk to him about and not in a superficial way.  i.e. “but you aren’t!” isn’t sufficient.  You need someone delving in to why you feel that way with you and you need him to hear the answers and understand both where you’re coming from and how his actions affect you so he can be a better partner and support you–whether the insecurity is all yours or whether he does something to make you feel this way!

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