Post # 1
My husband’s ex girlfriend, who he was apparently madly in love with until they had a major disgareement over a serious issue at that time and broke up, has been texting him and asking to meet up. He is saying she just wants to see if they can be friends (I do not believe this). They recently ran into each other at a restaurant (I was with him), and just from the look on his face when he saw her unexpectedly told me what I needed to know- that the emotions were still there. He is denying this, but it is obvious.
Ordinarily, I would have no problem with him meeting up old friends, but I have always been insecure about this ex of his.
It doesn’t help that we have been going through marital problems for about half a year and haven’t had it easy in recent months.
I truly feel that if he doesn’t cut her out, and meets up with her, then it will just worsen the rift between us, because I really believe that he still has feelings for her. Literally jumps out of bed to get the phone these days and never did this before when someone called or messaged him.
Post # 2
Oh dear, bee. I would not be happy with him being in contact with her either. She’s not an old friend, she’s an ex. Have you told him you want him to cut all contact?
He should block her number and block her on social media.
Post # 3
Nope. It’d be her or me.
Have you tried counseling?
Post # 4
Trust your instincts on this one.
I’m about as liberal as they come on the whole male/female/friends with exes front and I think this is just asking for trouble based on what you’ve said.
That said, if he really does have feelings for her and she for him then I’m not sure anything you say or do will stop the inevitable from happening, bee. Either they’ll go behind your back or he’ll just flat out leave you or force you to leave him.
Post # 5
NOoooope. He does not need a new female ‘friend’ right in the middle of a rough patch in your marriage.
It would be different if they had an established friendship before you met. Or if they were actually just friends previously and reconnected. Whether or not his intentions are pure – he’s playing with fire and putting your relationship recklessly at risk.
shut. that. shit. down.
Post # 6
with PPs here.
I’m fine with friends with exes and friends with other sex.. and if you guys were in a really solid place I may even be willing to overlook the other red flags (but I do think there are some.. e.g. jumping out of bed to see if its her contacting him?!) but given the fact you’ve been going through some marital strife. Hard no.
If I were you, I’d feel deeply betrayed if he decided to ignore your pleas that he focus on your relationship and put any possible friendship with her on the backburner for now and meet up with her.
Post # 7
It’d be serious conversation time for me, if I was in your shoes. I’d be totally up front and honest with him. “Look, I know how much your relationship with “ex” meant to you. I know how much you loved her and cared about her, and this makes me feel really insecure in our relationship. I am committed to working through this rough patch that we have been going through, as I firmly believe we will get through it stronger than we were before. I need to know that you are also 100% in it with me. My concern is that her coming into the picture will disrupt what we are working so hard to get through, as evidenced by your actions already to this point. This means, no contact with her, no meeting up with her and a total focus on getting back to a good point between us. Are you willing to do that?”
His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
I really don’t think there’s going to be much you can do to stop him from pursuing his communications with her if he says he’s unwilling to cut contact. It sounds like that emotional attachment is already there, at least on his side.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, bee. It is heartbreaking – I went through similar in my first marriage and it is the worst feeling. I certainly hope for your sake that he is willing to listen and work with you to move beyond your current rough patch. But if he’s not, then he was never really yours to begin with because he has been harboring feelings for this other woman all this time, and at least you’ll know that so that you can move on and find someone who truly loves YOU and wants to be with you.
Post # 8
We have but sadly it didn’t help us much.
I’ve seen messages on his phone (he does not know) that have her saying that she knows she shouldn’t bombard him with texts but that she regrets what happened and that she deeply misses him..
At the time I saw this message, it was unread and he hadn’t seen it. I don’t what he replied.
They were together four years upto age 25 and 26 and he was going to propose to her back then. Even had a ring.
Post # 9
No. Not the person, not the time, no, no. Just no.
Post # 10
I would ask him to call her with you on speaker, and tell her not to contact him again, in any way, shape or form. If not, he’s emotionally cheating on you. You might really need to firmly, lay it on the line.
Post # 11
You need to have a serious talk with him, this is completely inappropriate ESPECIALLY considering you guys are going through your own issues. You two should both be focusing on how to get your marriage back on track, he needs to tell her to stop contacting him.
AND, shame on her for reaching out to him when she knows he’s married. Both of them are being sketchy.
Post # 12
I’m sorry bee- this really sucks. When did you meet your husband (how old was he ) and how long have you been married?
Post # 13
We met a few months after his break up, and started dating a month later. He was 27 and now 29, soon 30. We have been married 13 months. I have this awful, awful feeling that I was perhaps a rebound for him and he never recovered from the break up with her.
Post # 14
yeah… you know you’re right here, bee.
also, if counseling didn’t help, try another counselor. As with any profession some are better than others. Add to the fact that this profession is one where a good “fit” is very important.
Things can’t get better without work. If nothing else a counselor forces you to spend an hour each week doing the work.
ETA: that was re: your first update. RE: feeling like you’re a rebound. That’s really something you need to talk to him about and not in a superficial way. i.e. “but you aren’t!” isn’t sufficient. You need someone delving in to why you feel that way with you and you need him to hear the answers and understand both where you’re coming from and how his actions affect you so he can be a better partner and support you–whether the insecurity is all yours or whether he does something to make you feel this way!
Post # 15
Yes, it is unbelievable really. The guy who is a nightmare to get hold of on the phone is now on it every 15 minutes. He must think I am a fool not to see this.