Husband's ex who he deeply loved has been contacting him and I feel lost

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 540
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

marine15 :  girl I feel for you. Rip the band-aid off and speak to him .I know it’s painful, but you have to deal with this . You cannot continue to sweep this under the rug .

Post # 541
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

As someone who also experienced infidelity in a marriage, my heart breaks for what you are going through. Because we had children I stayed and tried to work things out. In fact, I stayed for 12 years. When we finally separated he moved in with her, despite having promised to have no contact. (Eventually she left him) It’s natural to want to blame your husband, and certainly his ex. He may have believed he was over her, and genuinely wanted to make a life with you, but clearly there was still something there for his ex, and she has rekindled it. You can make yourself crazy trying to make sense of it all. Whatever you do, please be kind to yourself and get all the support you can. By The Way, It took me awhile and there were many painful moments, but I eventually healed and am now married to a wonderful man. There is love and joy for you ahead. Of this I am sure. Sending prayers your way. 

Post # 542
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

I’ve been following this for days and initially felt so sorry for you.  But 37 pages of you refusing to accept reality is beyond ridiculous.

You need to talk to your husband to sort out the logistics of your break up.  How can he make  it any clearer that it’s over between you.  A ‘trial’ seperation is nothing more than a coward’s way of  getting out without having to be the one who called time.

Your husband is an unpleasant individual who doesn’t have the balls to end your marriage and instead is doing everything he can to get you to do it instead.

Stop playing along with him and have some self respect – tell him it’s over for good and to leave immediately.

It hurts of course it does but I promise time will heal.  And no amount of time, discussion, time apart or visits from mum will make him fall back in love with you.

Post # 544
Member
9664 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

marine15 :  You can handle it! This limbo you are in is the worst. At least after talking you can have some clarity.

Post # 545
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

You are stronger than you think. Go rip that bandaid! We are here for you. Hugs.

Post # 546
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

marine15 :  I know – I’ve been following it since Friday it’s now Monday!

I really do feel your pain and totally understand that horrible horrible feeling you’re currently experiencing.  But I have been through more than one similar experience and I know that you cannot ‘make’ someone love you.

Hokd your head up high – there is someone out there who will love and adore you.  Understand why your mum is angry.  There are a hundred bees on here that don’t even know you who are angry too!

Don’t let this excuse of a man bring you down.  Put it down to experience, remember all the good times but please see what everyone else can see – your marriage is over.  He doesn’t deserve you!!

Sending big hugs and strength to do the right thing.  

Post # 547
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

You can do this! We’re here to help and to listen to you. You’re stronger than you think. We women are so amazing, so adaptable. Keep your head up! 

Post # 548
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I agree with a PP; limbo status is the worst thing right now. You can’t deal with a situation until the situation is clear xxx

Post # 549
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve been in the situation and I was the other woman (not proud of it, they weren’t married but still in a relationship even though they were on a break at the time). I remember my partner telling me that no matter what was the right thing to do, he just needed to talk to me and be in contact with me all the time – and it was mutual so that’s probably what’s going on with your husband and his ex. He also told me that they were having issues and he literally saw a way to exit the relationship and took it. He wasn’t even sure we would work out in the end (we did), he just knew things weren’t working and he just needed a last push to leave. I am not proud of him for this, but people do their own mistakes (and he told me that going back he is so remorseful for how he managed things back then). 

Your husband had already told you that things weren’t working with you and you said this yourself. Seeing her was probably the last straw and the last push he needed to talk to you – and I would actually take it as a blessing, it would have happened anyway at some point, he has checked out a long time ago and you both know it. 

Many things can be worked on in a marriage – but not being in love anymore or being in love with someone else or simply wanting out shouldn’t be the context of any ongoing relationship. He’s been a d*ckhead for how he managed things, he should have told you, he shouldn’t have cheated – but in the end we’re not able to control where our heart ultimately is, and his heart is clearly somewhere else.

Do yourself a favour: talk to him, and then go on with your life. One day in the future you will even forgive him, maybe. Whether his new story will be successfull or not is not even your problem. For now accept the reality and take care of yourself. 

Post # 550
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Dear OP, I am also was following your tread since the beginning. I feel sick after what I was reading. In your situation I would be done right when I saw him not coming home and knowing he kissed her. For me its a huge cheatiing and I would just pack my stuff and walked away and Never come back. Without even talking. Just done. 

Its hurt to read and see that you are trying kind of make some excuses for him, you can not make somebody love you. Lets be honest,  phe clearly showed tou he is done with the marriage. No matter how much you might love him, he will leave if he wants to. 

 

You sound like a very very nice person, you will find a great man, who will love you and will never do that shit to you. 

Big hugs!!!

Post # 551
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Just read 37 pages of this. You poor thing Bee. Thinking of you right now 

Post # 552
Member
1191 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

Oh bee, i’m really sorry you’re going through this, this absolutely can not be easy. I am also frustrated for you that a lot of bees are being quite rude in regards to what you should do, it’s so easy for them to say that as they’re not the one’s who are emotionally involved in this situation.

Do what feels right for you bee, this must be super hard emotionally, i hope you’re doing okay and your mum is able to help you feel better. 

Post # 553
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Just wanted to add a hug to the mix. I am very sorry  you are going through this. You need to speak to your husband though.

 

It sounds like things have not been great for a while and seeing his ex was the straw that broke him. He shouldn’t have kissed her, but it sounds like he does want to officially end your relationship before deciding what to do about her.

I know it is hard, but it will only start to feel better once you know where you both stand.

Post # 554
Member
969 posts
Busy bee

bubbles00 :  I agree. This mess has nothing to do with the op. She was the innocent bystander. 

 

marine15 :  He does not want to save the marriage he has with you. He has seen her, realized that he loves her, wants to be with her, and needs you to exit his life quickly so he can move on to have what he thinks will be a happy life with her. “The one that got away”. It sucks for you but that is the reality. 

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