Husbands ex wife let herself in to our home

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

yupmarried :  that’s what I thought. Locks should’ve been changed the moment the divorce was final. 

And I’d be LIVID. There is no 1st or 2nd family. You’re a family, whether that lil girl is your blood or not. I hope her mom isn’t putting those thoughts into the her mind. I’d give her your number, tell her it was unacceptable & call it a day. You’re eight months pregnant, don’t stress please!

Post # 62
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

shedidwhat :  Change the locks and drop it but since there is a child involved, you absolutely need to have phone numbers to reach each other quickly.

Post # 63
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

This might be a side issue, but I am older and I see it as a generational thing. These days parents will do absolutely anything to please kids. You are lucky she had a key, because a lot of people would break a window to get into the house, to retrieve the costume for the child. 

In my day, if we didn’t have the clothes that day, my mom would have said “you should have made sure you had the clothes when you left the house. For tonight, you either wear something else, or you don’t go.” Sounds reasonable to me.

Post # 64
9327 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Change the locks, exchange contact information.

Having a “sit down” to bitch at her is going to solve nothing, and only further deteriorate any sort of cordial relationship you could possibly have (and you’re going to be dealing with this woman for a long time).

I would be pissed too, but your Darling Husband has already dealt with it. It’s done. Move on.

Post # 65
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I agree with PPs that another sit-down where you read her the riot act will not be productive. It might make you feel better to unload on her about this violation (which I agree it was) but you could potentially worsen the relationship and make things harder for your stepdaughter. I’d just change the locks and make sure she has your contact information. Your husband could send a follow-up email about what constitutes an “emergency,” but if you’re changing the locks the point is moot.

Post # 66
5094 posts
Bee Keeper

1. Forget about retrieving ex’s spare key, you need to change the locks to your house…ASAP

2. As it seems you have fulfilled and will continue to fulfill role as step-mom to first daughter I think it would be wise to exchange phone numbers with the ex in case of any future emergencies as you are now apart of co-parenting

3. Sounds like your husband already discussed boundaries with ex, no need to sit down and have the same conversation twice

4. Don’t waste another second of this precious life upset over something that has already been done

Post # 67
640 posts
Busy bee

shedidwhat :  I honestly didn’t read a majority of the comments, but it appears from your post that one of the big issues to you is her attitude towards your family. Yes, the house thing is a hude deal and I 100% think you should have the locks changed…but you want her to feel bad for it. The thing is, you cant change her attitude towards you, towards her ex or anyone else. If she feels entitled to walk through your house, no awkward conversation you have with her will fix that. It very much is a control thing with her, and I could see her continuing to make up these little “emergencies” to justify her behavior to herself. 

Post # 68
11784 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

shedidwhat : 

“She said she should have the key in case of an emergency with their daughter and that she has never been “out of options like this before”.

“I might have been more lenient if she showed any type of remorse or apologized for the violation of privacy, but her response indicated to me that she felt entitled to our home and that given the circumstances, she would have no problem doing it again” 

H was certainly remiss for not changing the locks and getting back the keys, but that does not excuse what the ex wife did. What happened was a huge violation of privacy. Who has the nerve to trespass without permission because it would be the end of the world if a seven year old missed a single dance class? 

Not only does she not acknowledge that she did anything wrong, but she’d do it again! I’m clearly it the minority, but I don’t think a formal sit down is out of order AT ALL. She’s lucky that’s all it is.

A third party is a very good idea in this situation. I think now, when there will be all kind of new dynamics with a new baby, is actually the perfect time to set firm limits and discuss communication. Divorced family counseling has greatly helped friends of mine who had similar issues with exes.

Otherwise, who knows what she’ll do next time she is “desperate” over something as ridiculously minor as a dance leotard. I’d make it clear that you are changing the locks and letting this go this once for the sake of their daughter, but that if anything like this were to ever happen again, you will take it seriously. I don’t think this is at all out of line considering her reaction to H’s attempt at a conversation with her. 

Post # 69
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m in the minority. My ex and I travel a lot for work and if my daughter needed anything that was in my house, I would want her to be able to get it. The shuffling of things back and forth is not easy so I would allow as much leeway as possible. The ex also was upfront about the episode so I would talk things out…

Post # 70
1911 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Definitely change the locks, but your husband has already confronted her about it. Your best next move is to exchange numbers with DH’s ex, and change the locks. You don’t need to notify DH’s ex that you’ve changed the locks, nor do you need to have any more conversations about it with her. It’s none of her business.

Post # 71
1879 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

shedidwhat :  This is giving me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it! You are not out of line. I would change the locks and get a video doorbell. It catches both motion and rings at your doorbell. We have a Ring doorbell (~$150) and we love that we can see if anyone came to our front door, even when we are on vacation.

Post # 72
1180 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would ask Darling Husband to send her an email documenting that her entry into your home was unauthorized and that any future entry would have a police report made for B&E. 

I was confused a little bit from your first post.  Does Darling Husband and his ex own the house together?  As in, her name is still on the title?  

Post # 73
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I agree with PP’s that have said to just change the locks and move on with your life. She didn’t mess up your home, she didn’t take anything she shouldn’t have. You mentioned how she’s trying to stay relevant in your lives (and that you think that’s manipulative)…well, i hate to break it to you but she is and always will be relevant in your lives as the mother of your husband’s first child.

Also, I think sitting her down to tell her what you think of her behavior is ridiculous…she’s an adult, not a child. You don’t need to parent her and teach her a lesson. Your husband could have easily preempted all of this by 1) changing the locks in the first place and 2) making sure she had your contact information as a back up if he ever wasn’t available to answer her (because who would or could be available 24/7). I mean, it would just be common sense for her to have an avenue to contact you if there truly was an emergency. She may or may not believe she did anything wrong, but it doesn’t really matter because the issue was preventable and you now know you have a need to prevent it. I totally get why you would feel upset/violated…but at the same time I think you need to take a step back, and stop being adversarial.

Post # 74
1180 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

A leotard is not an emergency and I completely agree with the PP about how parents often try too hard to fix everything for kids. My mom would have said well you forgot your leotard so you’re not going.  Then I wouldn’t have forgotten it a second time.

Post # 75
253 posts
Helper bee

Completely agree that the forgotten dance outfit – just for a practice – was a pretty lame excuse to let herself into the house. 100% chance she took it as an opportunity to snoop, even if she didn’t intend it that way initially. It’s like guests in your medicine cabinet, but at least guests were invited them in the first place. 

I do agree that you should let it go. Change the locks and continue to deal with it through your Darling Husband. 

I can’t believe so many people think this was no big deal, and you’re cool with other people having keys to your house! Where the heck to y’all live, Mayberry?! I hit the ceiling when my Darling Husband comes home from work early! No way is anyone having keys to my house. There is no emergency that requires it. If I felt there was, I’d leave a set of keys somewhere like my locker at work, or hidden in the yard, and tell someone how to go retrieve them if necessary. But honestly, if it’s that much of an emergency, the cops can break my damn windows. If I needed someone to check in on the house while I’m away, they’re giving me the key back the minute we’re home.

Also, I would NOT give her my cell phone number. My work number? Okay. But if she’s already shown herself to not respect boundaries, she’s not getting access to me to possibly harrass me. If she can’t reach me while I’m out of the house, I’m probably not going to be able to help her, anyway. She can call the Darling Husband.

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