Post # 76
I have another possible solution for you, again a recommendation based on what I have in my own home.
I have a schlage quick connect keypad on one of our doors. For us it’s connected to our home security system (Abode) but if you have Alexa or Google home or whatever it’ll connect to that just as easily. This will allow you to open the door remotely–so next time she needs to get a forgotten leotard all she has to do is get a hold of you and you can let her in to your home for that purpose. That way you maintain control but still have a solution for “emergencies”.
(a few other brands make similar key pads, the main thing you want is one that can connect to your smart home)
Post # 77
Change the locks, give her your cell number and hide a spare key somewhere she doesn’t know about so if there really is an emergency you can tell her to use it
Post # 78
I have an ex husband and co-parent our 7 year old and I can tell you that:
1) my locks were changed IMMEDIATELY upon him moving out of the home we had shared together. I find it odd that your husband didn’t do this.
2) if my ex let himself into my home, I would lose my mind. That is a boundary being crossed on every level. I think it is great that your husband handled this, and don’t think it’s necessary at all for you to have a sit down with her. Yes, she’s crossed a line, but your husband already had that conversation with her.
3) in no circumstance would he EVER have a key to my current home with my current husband. Ever. He has no need to let himself into my home just like I have no need to let myself into his home. If he forgets something for our daughter, I let him know and he finds a way to get it to me. That’s even meant him having to drive 2.5 hours round trip, in traffic, to get something he left at his house (medical device).
And as a side note, we have a security system on our house, so nobody is coming in without our knowledge. Even DH’s father, who has a key, has been informed that we arm the house when we leave. If he stops by or needs something, he needs to let us know so that the cops don’t show up.
Post # 79
Thanks to everyone for responding, I have read all of the replies and appreciate it! To answer some of the questions in one mass update:
- My husband and his ex wife owned the home until the divorce, at which point she was removed from the deed when the divorce was final and relinquished any rights or investment into the home moving forward. I agree he should have changed the locks immediately, and I think it was just one of those things that was overlooked initially and then considered a non-issue after a while because the thought of her walking in seemed far fetched. Obviously that was a mistake
- The “issue” of us not having each others contact information is a two way street. I have never reached out to her, and she has never reached out to me independently from my husband. I have always been advised that it’s best to let the parents manage their parental responsibilities and there’s been no need for me to coordinate anything with her in my 3 years with him. However; she now has my cell number and I have hers for emergencies only.
- I’m suprised many here believe that this should be considered normal or accepted behavior just because she is the ex. Neither Dave nor I agree to that logic and we don’t think it’s a healthy model for his daughter. The notion of “first vs second” family is concerning, because that’s not how he feels, or we feel, at all. In fact, it’s quite opposite from that and we consider it be OUR family of 3, almost 4 members. If the ex wife is already spewing this kind of dissention, that is a problem. Additionally, we teach respect and discernment in our home. Respect for other people, their property, their feelings, their schedule. We don’t barge in on her time with her mother, we don’t make demands or take anything from her, we always approve well in advance with her if there is to be a schedule change. A PP stated that parents will do anything these days to keep the kids happy, and that is true. That isn’t how WE have decided to parent, and if the situation were reversed, she would have gone to dance wearing another leotard and her other dance shoes. We value discernment in the sense that we do not approach the ex with conflict unless it is warranted, and if the situation looks like it is getting out of control. I know in the past, Dave has had to draw some really strong lines in the sand with her because of boundary issues. We aren’t afraid to co-parent alongside her in the midst of conflict if she chooses to create conflict and push boundaries.
For a small update, during drop off on Sunday his ex did not want to give back her key. Dave basically told her it was more of a gesture because we had already changed out the locks to a keypad, and that now that she has our numbers to call first and we will determine what kind of emergency it is. She got pretty upset that he would “lock her out” like that, and admitted to him that it “felt good” to use her key inside of her old home again. She basically said it felt comforting to go inside her old home and that she WAS curious how it had changed. She commented that she did like the kitchen update and the back deck, so obviously it wasn’t as “in and out” as she led Dave to believe initially because the kitchen and back deck are all towards the back of the house and the 2 rooms she claimed to only go in are located towards the front.
He also told her that using the old vs new family lines around their daughter is inappropriate, since those are HER insecurities, not reality. She basically stated it “felt like he moved on”, and that she “finally sees that now”. Dave had to remind her that SHE filed for divorce over 5 years ago now and that he is very much still a father to their daughter, but very married to me.
As for the sit down, I cooled off and decided not to. NOT because I am still not angry about it and think she is totally out of line, but I am willing to let this be a misunderstanding and if it happens again, we will re-evaluate the situation and go from there.
Post # 80
shedidwhat : Thanks for the update, it sounds like you and your Darling Husband handled everything well. And I have to agree with you, I don’t understand why anyone would think your DH’s ex’s behavior was approriate. My SO and I are both divorced, and we would be livid if his ex-wife were to enter their former marital home without permission. Likewise, I would never dream of letting myself into my ex-husband’s house. It doesn’t matter that I used to own the home, I have no rights to it now. That’s crossing a huge boundary. It’s also kind of creepy that she took time walking around the house to check out all the updates. Ick.
I can 100% relate to the “old family, new family” stuff. SO’s ex is the same way, and even though she’s the one who left the marriage, she still expects them to perform as a family unit (when it’s convenient for her) and ices me out as much as possible. It sounds like you and your Darling Husband have a great partnership and work hard to make sure you’re co-parenting as effectively as possible. It’s not easy to do, so I commend you.
Post # 81
I’d be furious that she walked through the entire house that way and concerned that she has no sense that what she did could actually be considered a crime. She actually sounds a bit unstable. She’s upset at being “locked out” of a home that does not belong to her? After five years and an ex H who is married to a wife who is eight months pregnant she’s only now coming to the realization that he’s moved on?
In Dave’s place, the word “trespassing” would have been used and a warning issued. I fully understand that you guys don’t want to inflame the situation, but this woman does not have a firm grasp or connection to reality or any rational sense of boundaries. Even now, I don’t think she gets it. I just don’t think this is the last of the issues you’ll have with someone like this. I agree with everything else you said, though. I still recommend group divorced family counseling. It’s the only thing that helped friends deal with an unreasonable and emotionally unpredictable ex.
Post # 82
shedidwhat : I’m glad that’s taken care of. It’s always infuriating when someone in the wrong is indignant you aren’t letting them get away with it (i.e. her being upset you changed the locks to your own home) but it is what it is.
Good on you for deciding to walk this one off. Go workout–I always find that helps me clear my mind when I’m frustrated wtih someone.
Post # 83
Wow. So she basically admitted to taking herself on a grand tour of your house.
Be cordial, but keep your guard up. She sounds like a nut job.
Post # 84
” She basically said it felt comforting to go inside her old home and that she WAS curious how it had changed.” So she fessed up on the truth huh? I saw your original post earlier and I wondered if she snooped around. lol At least this isn’t a case of where a angry ex comes in a messes up the place. I don’t blame you for feeling violated, that’s exactly what this was.
That’s all over now, you’ve changed the locks and it sounds like it was a good idea! I think you’re handling it all very well. I know your house used to be her old home, but it’s your home now if locking her out is the only way to make sure she stays out then so bit it. Hopefully it all gets better from here. Thanks for the update!
Post # 85
shedidwhat : just have to say….it’s actually comical that after 5 years and a pregnant wife she’s just realizing NOW that he’s moved on? I would have seriously LOL’d at that one!
Post # 86
I would just change the locks and be done with it. Don’t even need to tell her. No point in a confrontation except to cause bad blood and more drama.
Post # 87
kw617 : Everyone knows the relationship isn’t truly over until you remodel the kitchen!
Post # 88
slomotion : they could be on kid #5 but it ain’t real till the kitchen walls are blue instead of yellow! 🤣
Post # 89
What exactly are you hoping to accomplish with the sit down? I understand you’re mad (rightfully so), but your husband has already addressed it with her and has agreed to change the locks. You confronting her right now seems like it’ll just start a cat fight which is not productive.