Post # 1
Our daughter was born December 16th and my husband’s immediate family has not come over to visit her. We’ve had visits from his aunt and uncle, best friend, coworkers, and cousin. I am developing a bitter relationship with his parents and two sisters because of all this. They expected us to bring her to their Christmas party and we declined because of the number of people who would be attending given that it’s flu season. So they refuse to come see her and want us to bring her to them. It’s only a 20 minute drive so not far but I don’t even want to at this point.
They have not given the baby anything at all, not that I am concerned with gifts but they are the only ones who haven’t. I wasn’t offered a baby shower which was extremely disappointing. Especially since my mom died three years ago and I am estranged from my father because he’s an alcoholic who won’t seek help. I have no siblings and not much other family to speak of. I had hoped my husband’s sisters would offer to throw one since they tend to do this routinely for other family members. But they never offered, and they never even asked how the pregnancy was going or showed any interest.
When we let them know baby was born at the hospital and invited them to come they said they were busy and would come when we got home. So we had no happy visitors in the hospital. I spent the first two weeks alone while my husband went back to work. It was really hard and I started to get really depressed. I had no help with the baby, but my coworkers were kind enough to make casseroles and dropped them off so I didn’t have to cook.
I am feeling very deflated and let down by all of this. I am so in love with my daughter but I am also so disappointed by the lack of enthusiasm for our first child. Isn’t having a baby supposed to be more exciting for family? This is their second grandchild and first girl so I expected something. Anything.
Am I wrong for not wanting to bring the baby to visit them? Darling Husband says we should just go but I’m upset that we have been treated this way.
Post # 2
I’m going to sound mean, I’m sorry ahead of time.
Not all family cares.
I don’t like babies. I do not want to visit someone in the hospital right after delivering. I don’t like baby showers. I wouldn’t visit your home unless you asked me over for something non baby related. I get that is great for you, but it is not my thing, it doesn’t change my world.
I don’t feel like you should expect their help. You are now a parent, it’s on you and your husband to help each other. I would never expect my IL to help us when we have a child.
If you are really concerned, talk to them.
Post # 3
Yes, a baby is exciting for most people, but it also isn’t a bandaid. Were you close before pregnancy /baby? Did you see them often?
I’m sorry you’re feeling disappointed : instead of focusing on the people who aren’t interested, focus on those who are.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2018 - Historic Mansion
No not at all. My sister just had a baby and she doesn’t want to bring the baby outside until the weather is nice again (she will bring the baby to doctor appointments and that’s it). They also didn’t go to Christmas party or Thanksgiving do to the flu and a non vaccinated baby was already coming. My family brought Thanksgiving dinner over to her house and my mom, dad, fiance and I cleaned up afterwords.
She didn’t want visitors in the hospital, but we all visited her in her home when she was ready for us to visit her. Her husbands sister didn’t visit her due to stupid jealousy reasons, until on their way to a Christmas Party.
Post # 5
This is a tough one – I anticipate I will have the exact opposite problem. I have massive anxiety that my Mother-In-Law is going to be 1000% overbearing and won’t give me any space. In your case, it sounds like you had expecatations going into this based on your lack of family (my condolensces about that.) Your in-laws have probably never considered that they should step in to fill that gap. They may not think that is their role.
Post # 6
moondrops : Just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your new baby is the product of your love for your husband, so you’d expect that his family would see this event as such. If you feel compelled to bring it up to them, I’d say go for it, but do prepare yourself for them to not come around, and for the possibility of a mean response from them (I’m speaking from experience – my husband and I have opted to discuss certain grievances with his parents in the past and the backlash almost made it not worth the effort at all). Ask yourself what sounds like the right thing to you, and follow your gut. And congrats on your new baby! Hopefully your newfound joy will be a comfort you can turn to.
Post # 7
That’s awful! There are so many possible reasons for their behaviour though and your husband should be the one bridging this. Was your relationship with them strained before your daughter came along? What’s your husband’s relationship with them like? Have you formally invited them over to meet her? Some people won’t just drop by or invite themselves, they need to be asked (“pop by any time” isn’t quite as convincing an invitation as “please join us for lunch on Saturday at 1pm” etc). If your husband wants to take baby to his family home then perhaps you should. Something has to give, and the sooner they get to bond with her the better. It’s good for baby too.
ETA: I completely neglected to say congratulations! I am TTC and soo broody, so I’m excited for your first baby 🙂 other people in your life will be too, so try not to worry about the people who aren’t.
Post # 8
moondrops : I get why you didn’t take the baby to the Christmas party but refusing not to take the baby now just because they won’t come to you is quite childish to be honest. This feels like everyone involved is cutting their noses off to spite their faces. I don’t think you need to be the ones constantly doing the visiting and if it turns into that, then you can refuse to visit them. But it doesn’t read that way at the moment and you now have a daughter who isn’t meeting her grandparents.
For all we know they’re thinking you don’t want them involved because you’ve not travelled to them. I’m sure someone will flame me for that because you have a newborn and it’s tiring to travel but having them at yours is equally as tiring.
Also, I don’t believe you should expect any help with a baby. Nobody has to help you with a baby, even family.
Post # 9
musicluvr325 : I don’t think that’s fair to her. Just because you don’t like babies and it doesn’t change your world makes her issue relatable to your lack of enthusiasm for kids. Her issue is simply, her husbands family lives 20 minutes away and has not made any effort for almost a month to visit their sons first child. She hasn’t asked for help, she asked for a bit of excitement and eagerness to meet the first granddaughter in the family.
moondrops : I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s probably the most exciting time in your life and a major change to your every day. I can’t imagine how hard it is to bring up this little baby girl while missing your own mom and wishing she was here for you.
At this point, I would just bring over the baby to meet the grandparents over the weekend. I wouldn’t make a fuss over it, but just suck it up and try to make the best of the situation. If you feel like theyre not interested, leave after half an hour and try to stay positive. For some reason, theyre at this stand still with you and your husband about who visits who first, and while logically they should come to you, some people are just weird with their reasoning.
Congrats on your baby girl! I hope you can find some local mom groups that can be helpful and encouraging during this time.
Post # 10
This is tough. In my social circle, when a woman has a baby, everyone rallies around her and helps out. Meals are delivered, house chores are done, etc while the mom can rest/recover/heal.
I would be disappointed too if my family didn’t show an interest in a new born. I get that not everyone is into babies, like the PP mentioned, but if it’s your immediate family, you think they could get over that for one day. Show a little support, ya know? There’s a lot of things I’m not interested in, that my family & friends are, that I support them in. It’s part of being a good friend & family member, imo.
Maybe reavaluate your relationship with the inlaws. Have there been any issues in the past/wrong doings that would warrent this kind of cold shoulder? I really am sorry you are going through this. I’ve never had a baby, but I have heard horror stories of the deep depression and sadness that can set in after delivery. I really hope you are able to find a good support system, whether it’s through family or friends 🙂
Post # 11
ChooAndLou : Not at all what I was saying. I was trying (and might have failed) to say is, not everyone will care the same way. My Fiance would want to see the baby. I would have no intrest at all. Not everyone (including whole families) will react the same way. I kind of feel she had expections and is now upset they aren’t doing what she thought they would. and she did mention she had no help with the baby, I take to mean she thought they would just help because it’s their grandchild.
Post # 12
moondrops : I can totally relate to how your are feeling and I’m sorry you have to deal with this. My daughter is almost 6 months old and i can count on one hand the number of times my in laws have made an effort to come visit her (we live less than 10 mins away). If we don’t bring her to them, they would never see her and quite frankly, I don’t think they would care. They were also very indifferent during my pregnancy, rarely even acknowledging the fact that we were having a baby.
My SIL and her son are currently living with them and their world revolves around him which makes me even more angry that they put all their time and effort into having a relationship with him, but can’t drop in to see their granddaughter even though I have given them an open invitation to stop by.
Is your husband close with his family? Maybe he can talk to them about how their lack of effort makes him feel.
Since you don’t have much of your own family to lean on, you really need to concentrate on you and your husband’s relationship and how happy you are as your own family unit. Believe me, I understand how difficult it is to try to comprehend how grandparents can care so little about their son’s child and it is hard not to feel disrespected and angry, but it will eat away at you and will take a toll on your relationship with your husband if you dwell on it.
Btw congratulations! The time really does fly so just try to stop letting others ruin your happiness and enjoy your baby.
Post # 13
musicluvr325 : I feel like this is a really weird attitude. You don’t have to like babies to be excited for your friend/family member who DOES like babies, when that person has their first baby. It doesn’t have to be about the baby. I don’t like football, but I would still be really excited for my family member if they were playing in a big game that meant a lot to them. I would still go to that game. I’m not saying her in-laws were required to throw her a shower or anything, but not even coming by to see the baby seems callous and cold to me.
OP I’m sorry you’re going through this! I’m sure your baby is gorgeous and wonderful. It sounds like you have some good friends and coworkers to help make this a little easier. Just know that regardless of how your in-laws react, lots of people love you and your new baby!
Post # 14
First of all, congrats on your baby! It sounds like she is lighting up your life, and that’s what is most important. Secondly, I’m sorry your in laws are not very enthusiastic about your baby. Overall, family is usually excited by a new addition. Especially since it’s the first girl. Without your mom, I’m so sure that this compounds the pain of your already broken heart.
With all that being said, you can’t have expectations of people. Even if they seem like natural and obvious expectations. What you can do is control your behavior. When you feel comfortable, take her to meet her grandparents. It’s ok to extend an olive branch. Now, if they still act more interested in a turkey sandwhich than your daughter, you don’t need to remain. Just go back to your home and enjoy your growing family. You will have done your part. But don’t sit there and be angry just yet. It’s not helpful to you or your new miracle. Good luck, and keep us updated!
Post # 15
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. The idea that a woman (a couple) would have a baby and then just get sent home on their own is absolutely insane. The way your in laws are behaving is pretty fucked up. I was wondering if it might be that they aren’t used to new babies (the sisters, at least) and have no idea how exhausting it is and how important it is to have people around for support and connection. But you said this is the second grandchild which tells me they’re just a pack of power tripping assholes.
I would continue to stay home for the time being (if you live somewhere especially cold) and continue to love on your baby. If they are willing to miss out on their granddaughter/neice’s first several weeks, that’s on them. Send them some pictures.
I would also really start building a community elsewhere with other people. Since it sounds like you have little to no family on your side and this is what you’re dealing with on DH’s side, it would be great to build a strong community of friends who can fill in the gap.
ETA- Congratulations on your new baby!