Husbands family not excited about new baby. Vent.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I just want to start by saying I’m sorry that you’re disappointed. As a couple of pp’s have pointed out, not everyone necessarily likes babies. That might suck for those people who really like babies/children and want to share their excitement, but that’s the reality of it. I’m not so sure why this makes people think of someone who may not like babies as a bad person. You see it all the time on here that when someone is disappointed that their family/friends aren’t as excited about their wedding and posters say stuff like “no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are” and “you shouldn’t expect people to put their lives on hold for your wedding”. Can’t the same be applied to when someone has a baby? Instead it seems like the majority of people think that people who aren’t interested in babies are horrible people. 

I’ve never flat out refused to visit a family member/friends baby. But I will say that I had to fake it the entire time. I’m not sure if they were able to tell or not, but to be fair, they knew how I felt about babies and children in the first place. 

I don’t think they would be inviting you and your baby places if they didn’t want to meet them. You have every right to decline to bring your baby to a Christmas party, and they have every right to decline an invitation to your house. They have also invited you to their house, and if you really want them to meet the baby, this might have to be the first avenue you go down. But, just as I said, you also have the right to decline that invitation. 

It does suck to expect people to be excited and then they’re not. But I’ve always found that if you expect nothing of people, you’ll never be let down. 

Post # 33
Member
9422 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

They sound like shitty people. I wouldn’t chase them. They are missing out on moments with their grandchild/niece that they will never be able to get back, and that’s their loss.

I totally get feeling down about it though. My brother was on vacation when my dd was born, and I never got anything more than a “congratulations” text. He and SIL didn’t even see her until she was 6 weeks old, and I’m pretty sure that was only because my mom guilted them into coming over. Dd is 1.5 now and he has never held her, and SIL has once for about 1 minute.

Oh well.

Post # 34
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

twinklecat :  YESSSS!!!!! This X86495486465465431 

 

I can not be “into” a lot of things. I am not so self-absorbed as to scoff at something that a loved one considers a VERY major life event. It’s like, oh I think weddings are silly and marriage is an outdated institution so I won’t be a bridesmaid for my best friend. Literally, one of my bridesmaids does not believe in marriage, thinks the idea is silly and refuses to ever get married herself. BUT she is a good friend, she knows that getting married made ME happy and she loves both me and my partner. So she stood up there and smiled at MY happiness and put her personal disinterest in weddings aside because it was a big deal for her friend, someone she loves.

I am not interested in hot wheels cars either but my nephew loves to tell me about his so I listen and I play with him because HE matters to me. The world doesn’t revolve around me and if I can’t take a second to appreciate the glory of another human’s happiness let alone a family member then I would expect to be a very lonely person. Who would want to be friends with someone like that? I would rush over if my friend/sister got a new puppy or kitten let alone a child! It’s an exciting moment that they want to share with you and that’s beautiful period. 

Post # 35
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

How are they with the other grandchild?

Post # 36
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

moondrops :  Ehh idk. I mean one would definitely think that grandparents would be excited, but I’ve found that’s not always the case. My DH’s best friend is an OB-GYN, and he’s told us sooo many stories of stuff that goes on. Of course, he can’t say names because everything’s confidential, but I’ve heard plenty of stories of grandparents who visited the hospital and they just didn’t seem too happy. They’d come in, kiss their daughter/son, kiss the baby, and be on their way, not even staying 5 minutes. He said it’s actually pretty surprising how many family members (grandparents/siblings/cousins) really just aren’t that into it. 

Of course, there are tons of family members out there who are super excited, but he said that when he was in med school, he never ever thought it would be like this. One of the reasons he went in to obstetrics and gynecology was because he enjoyed bringing families together and he’s surprised (sometimes downright shocked) of what the actuality is. 

I’m not saying it doesn’t suck. And I would think that a family would want to see a new baby, whether they like babies or not, but it just might be that they’re not as excited about it as some others. 

Post # 37
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee

OP, I am extremely sorry that your ILs are behaving this way.  In your place, I would suck it up and visit them once: this way, you can say honestly that you have done your part and they cannot hold that over you.  But after that, the ball would be firmly in their court.  As others said, focus on building your community in other places – look for parenting classes or activities to meet other parents, reach out to the relatives that DID visit etc.  You certainly cannot force them to behave in any way – all you can do is create a loving environment for your family with people who do care about your feelings.

Post # 38
Member
3377 posts
Sugar bee

moondrops :  With this update, they sound petty and mean. Your little one might be better off with limited contact! Congrats on the baby, by the way, I didn’t say that the first time I commented:)

Post # 39
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

ChooAndLou :  agreed. The first poster was insensitive and rude. It’s their granddaughter, of course they should make the effort to visit!

Post # 41
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

That’s upsetting 🙁 I’m sorry. I would feel really disappointed as well. The part about the Christmas party is petty and downright bizarre. Your baby was 9 DAYS old!! a large christmas party would be trying for a new mother and new tiny baby, let alone the germs. And even if they don’t understand that, it’s hugely petty to then deliberately *punish* you by refusing to visit. Visiting with a baby is soo much more effort. You have to take all their things and bundle them up in the car which will probably upset them etc. etc. 

Some of the posters are definitely right that not everyone will be as excited about a baby as you’d like. But I think that it would be the kind and loving thing to do to at least make at least a courtesy visit. But to be honest beyond that, it is disappointing, but not necessarily WRONG for them not to be overly involved. Baby showers aren’t really that common anymore where I live and gifts are definitely not expected or all that common. 

Post # 42
Member
8 posts
Newbee

moondrops :  I’m really baffled by the number of people who are saying that “some people just don’t like babies” is an excuse enough for someone not to see their own grandchild. Listen, I get people not liking babies, I don’t particularly care for them myself, but if my sister or best friend had a baby, you bet your ass I am going to be excited for her. You didn’t get a used couch–you had a baby! Excitement is the bare minimum these people should be offering you. If they aren’t, at this point, it’s their loss. I would inform them of how hurt you feel, but ultimately, leave it with them. If they choose not to see her, don’t make yourself crazy begging for them to want a relationship with it. It should come naturally, there is something wrong with them, not you.

And again, I will repeat this: if you give even a casual fuck about someone, you will be excited for them when they have a baby. Dismissing such a monumental thing in someone’s life because “some people just don’t like babies” is beyond absurd. You should be excited and want to be involved because it’s something (in this case SOMEONE) that the person you care about is excited about. 

OP, I just want to again state how sorry I am that this is happening to you. Darling Husband has a funny family and while we don’t have kids yet, I can totally see where his older brother and wife will make zero efforts to come see us and will expect us to put in 100% of the effort. They never congratulated us on getting engaged, never even acknowledged it and then when it came time for the wedding, all we expected of DH’s brother was to show up and give a speech and he not only failed spectacularly at that, but his wife RSVP’d yes and then didn’t show up–no excuse provided. She simply woke up that morning and didn’t feel like attending. 

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