Post # 1
I recently got married to a man I had dated for over 3 years. I work from home, but since I already had a house I continued to use that as my office until a few months before the wedding when I officially moved into his place. Husband also works from home. His place is a 2-bedroom and since he already had the second bedroom set up as his office I work from the kitchen table. This means I have no door to shut myself off from the rest of the house.
Since I started living at his place (now our place) 24/7 I have learned that he has a female friend over pretty much every day. They have been friends for 10+ years and met in college. They never dated or anything, they are just friends. She is married with 2 young kids. She comes over every week day and stays for hours with him in his office watching TV and smoking pot (something I don’t do). She doesn’t understand that I am often talking on conference calls and I can’t be interrupted to say hi or bye to her. I told Darling Husband I can’t have her interrupting me and he talked to her about that and that has improved, but she still comes over every day and laughs so loud and that bothers me so much.
I don’t understand how she can spend so much time here. I couldn’t imagine spending 3-4 hours a day watching TV at a friend’s house as an adult in my 30s…especially when she is married with 2 kids. She was in our wedding party and really showed me that she isn’t someone I want to hang out with at all. I feel like she uses my husband as an escape from her life and for pot. He’s just a nice guy and allows her to do this. I don’t think he really invites her over, I think she just lets him know she is coming over. When she invites us to stuff he never wants to go which is part of why I think the relationship is one sided. If she stopped coming over I really doubt he would see her anymore because he never attempts to hang out with her outside of our place.
I have been passive-aggressive or just bad at words in the past and since the marriage is new I want some help on how to talk to him about this. I’m afraid if I word it incorrectly that I will make it sound like I am making him choose one of us, but I don’t want her in my life and it’s hard when she is over here all the time.
tl/dr: new husband’s friend is over for hours every day even though she has her own family. After the way she acted in the wedding party I really want nothing to do with her. How do I let him know I don’t want her here without seeming too demanding?
Post # 2
I don’t think it’s demanding to tell him that she can’t be here every day or during certain hours (from 8am-5pm?). ESPECIALLY because you don’t have your own room to work in. It’s your house now too, he should be accomodating
Post # 3
MissCtoMrsR : any suggestions on what to say? I’ve already told him it’s disruptive to me when she comes over during work hours (yes, typical 8-5, although I occasionally have to take calls earlier or later since I support a team across the globe) and he talked to her about that, but today she was over from 2:30-5:30.
Post # 4
randomuser : I mean she’s his friend, so he should be dealing with her. Would he be okay with you bringing a friend over and talking loudly, laughing, or watching TV outside of his office door during work hours? You two need to come up with specific hours she is allowed to be there, or he needs to tell her that she needs to ask if she can come over. I seriously don’t know why she needs to be there every single day though. Maybe to escape and get a break from her kids?
He needs to talk to her again
Post # 5
He obvs didn’t talk to her very effectively if she just proceeded to come over for 3 hours again the next day. It’s time to assert yourself bee and for your husband to do the same with this friend. Tell him you need quiet – which means no visitors in the house – during working hours. If he really can’t back you up on that then there are much deeper problems going on here.
Post # 6
tiffanybruiser : It was a couple weeks ago he talked to her and she didn’t come over for an entire week, but then she came over today “to apologize to me about some stuff during the wedding” but she came over during business hours so I’m not sure what her logic was. I think she’s a toxic person. I want nothing to do with her.
Post # 7
he’s gotta grow a backbone and say NO when she says she’ll be over before 5pm.
change the lock if she has a key.
disconnect the doorbell outside of visiting hours.
You live there now. She can’t just come and go from your house as she pleases while you’re working.
Post # 8
Did he never mention her being over all the time prior to living together?
He needs to put his foot down and tell her she can’t come over. How does he even get any work done if they’re getting High together all day?
I wouldn’t be ok with even one of my own friends coming over so often, it’s weird.
Post # 9
Isn’t your husband supposed to be working too? That all sounds totally ridiculous!
Post # 10
futuremrs2020 : He does some stuff online that only takes him an hour or two at 10 am so this doesn’t affect his work. I thought she only came over for an hour on Monday when it’s Game of Thrones season and occasionally to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. I didn’t realize she came over for so long every day. I have no clue what shs’s watching right now since not much is on that we watch, but whatever it is she seems to find hilarious.
She’s a teacher so I think she comes over a little earlier and longer since it’s summer, but I know she came over to watch stuff even when school is in session. Her husband works in construction so I guess her parents must watch the kids so she can get high.
Post # 11
This sounds like a really unacceptable situation to me. How can he work for just an hour a day? If that’s all that he has to work, then maybe you should get the 2nd bedroom for your office. I would reiterate that you need the house to be quiet and give him the quiet time hours that she needs to follow. Neither one of them sound like they have grown up.
Post # 12
randomuser : tell him that you’re feeling like a guest in your own house and feel like you don’t have any privacy because there is ALWAYS COMPANY OVER. Tell him you’d prefer to have more days without company than with company, and he needs to narrow her visiting days down to 1-2 hours ONCE A WEEK, if not only 2-3x a month. Jesus. Sounds like she needs to start paying some damn RENT if she’s over that often! Hell I feel like I don’t even have 3-4 hours a day to watch tv in my own damn house…she needs to get some business about herself.
this is ridiculous. You did not sign up to have an additional roommate. Even if it weren’t for your work situation, this has gotta be smothering just having to look at another random ass person in your house every day. I don’t see how you haven’t put her out yet YOURSELF. Friendship be damned.
Good luck, bee. Put your foot down. If worst comes to worst, tell him that if he won’t instill some boundaries, then you’ll do it for him.
Post # 13
He is married now. This means he must make changes in his house and who is in it when and where and how decisions are made. Sounds like he hasn’t done any of that.
Is he generally spineless or just with her? Do you want to live where pot is smoked regularly?
Post # 14
randomuser : but today she was over from 2:30-5:30.
She sounds like a shit parent to her kids. Every parent I know is doing the school pick up, homework routine, grocery shopping, bath time and dinner prep during the hours of 2:30 to 5:30 and not hanging out at a friends place smoking cones… 😒
I’d be royally pissed and tell my husband that this is not on or appropriate behaviour for someone who is in an established couple irrespective of the gender of the friend in question. Its not only disruptive for you but its rude to you who has a right to live in your home without having someone they don’t like visit every day!
Either he puts his foot down on to how much she visits and during which hours or you move back into your apartment. He’s actually being really disrespectful. He shouldn’t have to cut her out completely but a happy medium as to how much and when she visits is a must. He’s not doing that at all and out of respect for the person he married, he damn well should!!
Post # 15
It does seem quite strange you didn’t know about all this before you moved in. And you should get the office – that much is clear and a no brainer.
Two things really – I would hate to appear all ‘I’m here now and so everything must change and she can’t come round any more’ since I imagine that would breed resentment.
This somehow to be balanced with a totally ridiculous situation that needs to end.
In reality I think all you can do is have a proper chat to your husband. Tell him you didn’t realise how much she was here, ask him if he really likes her being here all the time and if he thinks it’s the actions of an adult male to sit around smoking pot watching tv with his mate all day every day whilst his wife works at the kitchen table. If he wants to curb it then he has to be strong about it. If he does t really and is just saying what you want to hear then I think there is a problem!
Good luck! X