Post # 31
petittaam : This brings the suck – and its time for you to make your presence felt.
I wouldn’t be too hard on your hubby tho – if they’ve been friends a long time he may be stuck in the nostalgic loop of what life was like before marriage and while I’m sure he’s so happy with you and married life – its likely he’s resistant to tell Bill to get the hell out because he’ll get a bunch of chaff from his old frat brother.
I would tell my husband ONE LAST TIME – that up with this shit, you will not put. You guys aren’t in college anymore, Bill certainly doesn’t reside in this abode and the next time you’re unhappy with who is in the house you share – its going down.
I’ve unceremoniously thrown a lot of Mr. 99’s old drinking buddies outta my house in nothing but a flannel nighgown and a bad mood – don’t get me wrong – I’m all for having a good time, stayin up late and drinking all the things..but not during the work week and not to the point that it biffs up Mr. 99 and I’s sex life…
Throw him out, tell him to shut up and get a damned job already.
Post # 32
adnama : I like this idea of closing hours, and this is something I can do.
Thank you everyone for the input. I can definitely try to be more forceful in expressing that I don’t want these visits happening all the time. We are all about having friends over and we host a lot of parties, so I’m not totally against friends coming over- just not on weeknights, not all day, and not every night of the weekend.
I really don’t think this is a divorce- worthy issue…we just need to work on communication, listening, and understanding. He really is not TRYING to piss me off. He just is really way too impulsive when it comes to friends and “no” is not in his vocabulary when it comes to ANYONE! That issue is what we need to work on.
Post # 33
petittaam : Why don’t you speak up if Bill is your friend?
“Bill, nice having you over, but you’ll need to go home now. Also, we have plans the next two nights. We’ve decided to no longer have guests over on weeknights, so we’ll see you over at Cindy’s this Sunday”
Post # 34
You seem to have a man-child on your hands. This wouldn’t fly with me AT ALL.
I would pack a bag, and go and stay with a friend or family member for a couple of nights. Tell your husband that if he doesn’t quit this immature behaviour, you’re leaving. Bee, you can’t live like this. Be careful how you deal with Bill, too. None of this is his fault – as far as he’s aware he is perfectly welcome at your house. You don’t Want to be seen as the controlling bitch who has her husband on a leash, or ruin your own friendship with Bill over this.
Post # 35
I don’t really have advice to add that hasn’t already been given but this is what I would be thinking in your situation: why can Darling Husband say no to me all day everyday but “literally can’t say no” when it’s Bill asking?
Post # 36
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
“Husband, either you tell Bill or I will, but I can guarantee you if I tell him it will not be pretty. He cannot come over here on weeknights, and at weekends he must be gone by midnight. You need to make this crystal clear to him by Saturday, or I will call him myself and do it. Our marriage is suffering due to this and I will not put up with it any more. If he calls on a weeknight, I expect you to let it go. If he repeatedly calls, I’ll be answering. For the sake of your friendship, I suggest you explain this to him as soon as possible.”
I also suggest you write your husband a script so he doesn’t throw you under the bus when he’s talking to Bill.
Post # 37
So the overall message I’m seeing here is that Bill is over a lot and that during this time they are drinking together a lot. Putting Bill aside and his influence…
Do you think you husband is having a problem with alcohol?
Now before you make a justifcation or explanation, I would really look at that question hard.
The story you describe was a large part of my childhood. My alcoholic father and his alcoholic friends over everyday and every night being a party. My mother being complacent in not being able to set any boundaries over it and fight after fight after fight on it.
One thing is certain in that the visits need to stop period. Your husband isn’t helpless and not able to say the word no…he just doesn’t want to say the word no. If he cannot put your marriage and his spouse’s feelings above Bill’s and having fun nights then you both have major marital issues that need counseling or a revaluation of the marriage. Trust me, the resentment and negativity isn’t going to go anywhere if you both can’t address this. Last, you need to ask yourself if your husband is going down a dark path with alcohol and you need to have the preparation to get him assistance. That should be a requirement not an option.
Post # 38
soymilk : This makes some really excellent points & I really think this bears serious consideration OP.
petittaam : I still think you’re cutting him way too much slack OP. Closing hours? It’s our home, not a bar. And even if we ‘closed’ by 10, I’d like some evenings to ourselves, I want to be able to have a relaxing dinner or fold laundry on the coffee table while we watch DVDs & I’d want a healthy active sex life. Married men should still have hobbies and interests and friends etc, but they shouldn’t expect to act like bachelors or teenagers.
And he ‘can’t say no’? This go-along-with-the-crowd-because-it’s-easier wouldn’t be okay with me with my KIDS! never mind a grown-ass man. As a few other Bees have already pointed out, he has no trouble saying no to you, disappointing, upsetting or angering you.
Post # 39
This is a two-pronged problem.
The first problem is with Bill. He’s coming over constantly. He’s bored, he’s at loose ends, and your house and hanging with your husband is more fun than being home alone. If he’s your friend too, Talk to him first. If he shows up uninivited after The Talk, boot him out. If he stays late when he said he wouldn’t, boot him out. Its your house too, and your life. You need to take some control and authority back.
The second problem is your husband. I think its less “can’t say no”, its more like path of least resistance until shit is up the creek, and then someone else still has to clean up the mess. Keep in mind that this will continue to effect your relationship far into the future. Its not just the Bill Situation now, it could be something way more serious at some point. How many more times will he prioritize making you happy for the moment, but not in the long run?? (promises it won’t happen again, but then it does. rinse, repeat). I wouldn’t be able to trust a thing he says if this sort of thing kept happening. It sounds like your marriage is suffering pretty badly, and he either doesn’t notice (which is bad) or doesn’t care (even worse). I’m frustrated for you. Maybe counseling? Something to nip that shit down to where he can learn to say no, make a decision, and stick with it.
Post # 40
PeachSnapple : To me it doesn’t seem like “can’t say no” or path of least resistance. It just seems like the husband wants to constantly hang out with his friend, and to avoid trouble makes excuses about it. It reminds me of all the men we hear about on the board, who cry poor, saying they don’t have money for a ring or to move in together etc. But somehow they seem to have plenty of money for video games, expensive shoes, new car and car accessories, drinks out, etc.
Post # 41
Bullshit. Your husband DOES say NO to YOU to hang with his friend.
Please. Bill has your husbands full consent to carry on like this.
You don’t have a friend problem, its defintely a hubby issue.
Post # 42
pancakes11 : I was more so referring to that she said it wasn’t just this case, its happened before involving other people and different types of situations. IF that is his modus operandi, she has bigger problems on her hands than just him spending way too much time with this Bill person. It is certainly not just him not being able to say no to people.
He tells her (or whomever) what they want to hear, and then goes back on his word and does whatever he wants anyway, no matter who it might hurt.
It has bigger implications for the rest of their life together. And that kind of worries me for the OP.
Post # 43
I know you don’t think it’s a “divorce-worthy” issue and it probably isn’t YET but it’s a very serious problem and you need to get to the root of it. It isn’t Bill. You are married to a man who isn’t overly interested in spending any quality time with you. You can schedule alone time, etc… and MAKE him pay attention and put more effort into the marriage but who wants to force their mate to be a mate? I agree with the PP who said he has no problem saying NO to YOU. You’ve asked for this behavior to stop and although he agrees, he does what he wants to do anyway. As a quick fix, talk to Bill. Tell him to go home! Long term though, it isn’t the solution to all that’s amiss here.
Post # 44
Bill needs a girlfriend.
Darling Husband has a friend who is similar to this, but only when he is in between relationships (which is never too long). I can’t imagine it all the time. Sorry bee. Time to set a curfew!!
Post # 45
petittaam : how old are they? Trust me I know some guys love video games and hanging out and playing is fun but how often this guy is over is ridiculous!
Time to really talk to your husband! Not fair for you to give up your house and not enjoy your time off! Since your husband isn’t listening address it while Bill is there so your husband gets it through his head!
You don’t have problem them hanging out but your husband isn’t paying attention to you and still being newly wed that’s really messed up.