Husband's Friend Taking Over Our House And Marriage

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 46
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

amiryana :  So true.

OP, your husband doesn’t have a problem saying no – he does that to you ALL the time when he chooses to hang with Bill and says no to one-on-one time. Or whatever else since you mention that you guys only have one weeknight together. I’d talk to him again and point this out. My Darling Husband is the type who feels bad saying no to friends, but he usually checks in with me if we’re together  (either at home or out) when he gets last minute invites from his single friends, because time with me trumps time with them.

Post # 47
3332 posts
Sugar bee

OP, you seem to be making a lot of excuses for your husband. I get it, you don’t want to believe he is blatantly ignoring your needs and choosing Bill over your relationship. However, he is a grown man (presumably) with ears and a brain who can listen to what you’ve been telling him. Yet, he chooses to ignore it.

Post # 48
740 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It’s up to you to start setting boundaries in this situation. Your husband obviously doesn’t seem to mind having Bill over, despite what he may tell you. Since Bill is your friend too, just tell him directly that he needs to leave when you’re starting to wind down for bed. Or call him if he just called your husband and let him know “tonight is not a good night.” If you say these things nicely to Bill and he gets upset with you or ignores your wishes then he’s a shitty friend and person and someone you don’t need in your life anyway. Just think of it like that.  This situation has gotten out of control and it seems like it’s up to you to set some boundaries.

People will treat you how you let them, and it seems like your husband and Bill are walking all over you. I really feel for you and wish you the best of luck. 

Post # 49
491 posts
Helper bee

PeachSnapple :  Yes exactly. In fact that makes it even worse doesn’t it, because his attitude is not “I want to spend time with Bill” but “I want to spend time with anyone but you”. 

Post # 50
365 posts
Helper bee

petittaam :  this is awful- sorry that you’re going through this. sounds like this is masking some serious issues w your husband. Was your sex life as infrequent before the bill situation? I would wonder if your husband has some sort of sexual issue (anything from porn addiction to cheating to being gay) because repeatedly happening to “accidentally” set up all of life so sex can’t happen isn’t too normal/common  imo. My ex who did something similar (that led to sex only 1x/mo) pretended to have dysfunction issues but turned out to be cheating and gay (and closeted even from himself).

im all about occham’s razor- the easiest and simplest explanation is most likely true: your husband is avoiding being alone with you (and it’s for a reason). You can leave without knowing the full reason (bc he isn’t being forthcoming and it might be very hard and time-consuming to figure out) or wait until you figure it out (I did that and wish I’d just left sooner). You say that this isn’t a divorce-worthy issue, but regularly only having sex once a month (unless there’s some health/kid situation or old age) is divorce-worthy imo unless you agreed to a sexless marriage. 

My Fiance has a good friend who lives 2 blocks away, has a lot of free time, has a tiny apt, and recently broke up w his gf. He wants to hang out a lot and also seems in need of relationship advice and househunting advice. Even though I don’t have to get up early and we both have flexible schedules (and neither drinks or parties), my Fiance likes limiting the time he/we spend w his friend (even if I wouldn’t limit it as much). He limits the time we spend w the friend at home and in public bc he values our alone time. 

And even when we have houseguests, my Fiance might stay up late in the living room w the guys for a cpl nights, but it’s never too loud and he still prioritizes getting in intimate time. Even w overnight guests, he tries to figure out it happening once daily or at least every other day. If we stay up watching tv late, it still usually goes down, or, if it doesn’t and doesn’t happen in the am, he suggests that we start getting to bed earlier. Please don’t ignore whatever is going on if your husband seems to prefer not having sex for long periods of time.

i don’t see how or why any more discussions are needed. You’ve talked and argued about it repeatedly already. It’s impossible that he doesn’t understand or, if he doesn’t, he doesn’t seem like a suitable partner. Your husband is repeatedly and constantly avoiding being alone with you (and avoiding sex with you?)- is this a marriage to you?

Post # 51
253 posts
Helper bee

petittaam :  Can i ask how old your husband and bill are? The lack of disrespect has even me so frustrated for you. I must say ive seen a few cases of this myself, but never experienced it myself. From a few that ive known of….the men tend and can slip back into “highschool bro mode”. The fact that bill isnt working is a major issue in itseld. He has nothing but time and unfortunately the pass time involves your husband and your household. You need to set ground rules. Your husband needs to understand that its not ok nor is it normal to constantly hang out with his friend.Perhaps he would feel guilty telling him to buzz off so to speak. I think a major conversation and consequence is in order.

Post # 52
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Any update, bee?

Post # 53
2916 posts
Sugar bee

petittaam :  You are sending mixed messages. You do have a massive problem and it’s only going to get worse if you do nothing about it.

Quick question: If your husband and Bill are drinking, listening to music and playing video games who is doing the bulk of the housework and the cooking?

If it’s you then you need to stop right now. Let your husband do it all for a change.  And why are you planning on cooking the nice Sunday dinner? Get your husband to do it. This isn’t the 1950s.

General advice: Next time your husband and Bill wake you up then you need to tell Bill to leave the house. Tell him that he is coming over too often and, as fond as you are of him, one visit a week is enough. Tell him that he is interfering with your marriage because he is giving you and your new husband no privacy.   Tell him that you have asked him and your husband multiple times to turn the music down and they just turn it up again.  This is making you ill through sleep deprivation. So no more late evening visits.

When he has gone tell your husband exactly how you feel. Be clear that marriage requires effort and it requires romance.  What it does not require is constant drinking, music playing and video games with a friend late at night. Tell him that either Bill visits once a week or not at all.

Tell your husband that you want him to take on his share of doing housework (if he isn’t already doing so) and planning romantic outings. Get him to choose which night if the week is going to be date night. 

Tell him that he is drinking too much (because he is). He could do with spending the money on both of you instead. He also is probably sleep deprived. Tell him it is interfering with your sex life.

Then plan a couple of weekends away. Stay in small hotels (well out of the reach of friends and family). You have a lot of talking to each other to do.

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