Post # 1
So, I’ve lurked here a ton but haven’t really posted anything yet. Now I’m in need of some advice.
I married an amazing guy six months ago. We dated for about a year and a half before he proposed, and in that time I noticed that every few months, he’d get into a “funk” for a few days. It’s happened a few times since we got married, but it’s so infrequent that I forget how to deal with it.
He’s usually super easy-going and fun, but when he starts “feeling funky” as he calls it, he gets quiet and reserved, and kind of edgy. Not really mean, just sarcastic and doesn’t want to talk about it. I’ll ask him what’s wrong and he just says “I don’t know?” and seriously means it. He can’t figure out why he’s feeling bad, and he’s usually good at talking about his feelings and working through issues. He just feels really “off” emotionally and can’t put his finger on why. He can’t make decisions (even about what to eat for dinner) and he just feels terrible and gets really emotionally needy and insecure, but doesn’t want me to comfort him. And then, after a couple of days (seriously, like 3 days max), he snaps out of it and he’s fine for another few months.
Do any of you other newlyweds have any experience with this? I know we all have our rough days, but this seems a little bit beyond that. His younger sister was diagnosed as being bipolar a few months ago, and he’s told me that he’s afraid that he might be too. He will not want to go see a doctor or therapist about this; he’d rather not know what it is.
So I guess my question is: what do you think is going on with him? Do you think he’s bipolar or suffering from depression? How can I help him, or better understand his funky moods? It makes me feel horrible seeing him being miserable and unable to articulate his feelings, and I turn into a mother hen and try to fix it with ice cream and tea and talking… Which makes him feel even worse.
Post # 3
Is he open to seeing professional? I must say, I think that is your next step. I don’t think anyone can dx him via keyboard, no matter how well intentioned.
If he won’t go, maybe it would be wise for your to get some counseling & support.
Post # 4
I was going to say this sounds like he may be bipolar (I am not a doctor, only am expressing this due to having friends who are bipolar and have similar symptoms.)
It sounds like he recognizes that something is off, which is great (some people won’t admit that anything is off) so I would suggest he visit a professional to ease his mind and help determine why he is feeling this way each month.
Post # 5
Thanks guys. I know you can’t diagnose something online, I was just hoping someone could say, “That sounds like X and you can do Y to help him feel a little better.”
I don’t think he’ll go to a doctor on his own, but I might talk to his sister and see what her symptoms were and if she would encourage him to go to a doctor…
Post # 6
I think knowing the family history of chemical imbalance it would be smart to seek a professional opinion.
And I do think getting some support for yourself is a good idea.
Post # 7
My husband gets like this (so do i). He’s got borderline depression but it’s not like he’s on medicine for it. He just gets very “whatever” for a few days. Then he’s fine.
Honestly? It’s not a big deal for us. I have days I don’t care and just want to loll on the couch, too. I’ve realized on those days there isn’t anything i can do to help him except give him a hug and say “okay if you need/want anything, lemme know”. You really cannot bug him with “what can i do? how can i help? what’s wrong?” because it totally makes it worse. I know i don’t like to be bugged if i’m in a funk. Just let me sit and stew, ya know?
But a few days out of every couple of months doesn’t sound like a reason for treatment. He acknowledges he’s in a funk at least.
If it becomes longer, more intense, or becomes more problematic, i’d probably ask him to see a doctor. I’ve always known Darling Husband had depression tendencies. If it ever becomes an inhibitor in our relationship or communication breaks down, we made a deal that i’m allowed to make him get treatment. He functions just fine–some days he just needs a little more space than others.
Post # 8
@ejs4y8 –Thanks for you response. That’s exactly what I needed to hear. You’re right, a few days every couple of months isn’t the real issue. The real issue is that I’m worried it will get worse down the road–and I’m not sure if it gets worse that he’d be more likely to want treatment. It’s scary, you know?
I like your idea of having an agreement that if things get worse, i’d be allowed to make him get treatment. I think after this funk clears up, I’m going to bring that up with him in the most non-threatening way I can think of.
Post # 9
IMO it’s a shame if he is suffering from depression, which could be treated but isn’t. I hate to see anyone suffer needlessly.
I know from personal experience how depression feels & I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Post # 10
I agree it’s scary. I had the same concerns myself–it’s okay now, but what if it gets worse. Sometimes it’s easier to see these things from the outside, though and he needs to know that. He needs to know it’s not fair to you, either, to be with someone who won’t get treatment if it’s needed. It’s not fair to you or your future family if you have kids.
Good luck! It’s a little bit of an awkward conversation, but it’ll be so much better afterwards. Peace of mind!
Post # 11
@Mrs. Boots: It sounds like although its not a big deal now, you should keep an eye on it.
Maybe when he’s not in one of those “funks” you talk to him about the fact you are worried about these funks getting worse. Maybe have him agree now that if they get worse he 1) is honest with you and tells you they are getting worse/more frequent and 2) if it gets to a certain point he seeks assistance.
Post # 12
…………… you guys know that men have a 90 day cycle, right?
Not to mention, it has been shown in the literature that male hormones can be responsive to female fecundity phases.