Husband's grandfather has cancer and he will be visiting his family without me.

posted 2 weeks ago in Family
Post # 36
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

 It seems like I’m a lone wolf in this which really shocks me because to me you shouldn’t be embarrassed about anything or have to hide anything from your own spouse. To me your spouse is your closest family member and it is highly concerning to me that you feel like you can’t be honest and express your feelings to your husband. It’s ok to say hey I feel like you are shutting me out from your grieving process or even worse from a part of your life. 

To me it’s a red flag because like I said inevitably there will be many worse things that happen in life and he can’t shut you out each time. His family is also your family once you got married and he shouldn’t act like they are still his main family and you are still some outsider then can’t fully be let in. I know my opinion isnt a popular once and I’m ok with that. 

I’m glad you feel at peace with your decision and I respect your decision of course but I just don’t want you to feel shut out. 

Post # 37
Member
1427 posts
Bumble bee

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@schmeebee85:  I think you’re right in that marriage is about the good, bad, and ugly. But, the bad and ugly that your husband is dealing with is not his to share. So I think you are doing the right think by not pushing him about this. He wants to leave his grandparents with dignity at the end of their lives and respect their privacy. He also likely doesn’t want your ownly mental image of them to be how they are now.

Post # 38
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I agree with others that say his attention would be split and he’d be worrying about your comfort while trying to do other stuff (even if you told him not to). He also may worry that his family would feel the need to “host” you and take good care of you as a guest. He may also think you’d want to ask a lot of questions about how his grandparents were when they were younger, or visit places that were important to him, etc… and he may not want any of that right now. People grieve in very different and specific ways. I agree that this may just be a trip where he has to buckle down and do what needs to be done and then he gets to look forward to coming home to you again. You are still his wife and he does love you and he’ll share with you what he wants to share when he wants to share it. It sounds like he really appreciated your offer but this is something he wishes to do alone and I would respect the fact that he has asked for distance in this.

Post # 39
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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@laurana1:  She isn’t just some guest though she is his wife. A member of the family. This is mind boggling to me that this many people would be ok with their spouse shutting them out like this. That wouldn’t flush with me

Post # 41
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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@fallisintheair256:  Well, true. My husband’s grandmother just passed away and he did want me to come with him. I’m happy to be here but at times I’m also in the way. I’m pregnant so a lot of the food they’re making is currently stuff that makes me feel sick… I’m trying to find my own food to not inconvenience anyone but we don’t have a car so I’m kind of stuck. I get tired easily and have to rest a lot. At times I have to tell my husband I need something and at other times I tell him to go ahead with what his family needs and I deal with my symptoms alone. However my husband’s family is not relying on him a lot for anything in this so it’s not that bad. We are both being treated like guests and I feel bad they’re having to care for me on top of everything else. His family is that type though, and there is a cultural/language barrier as well so I am a little limited in what I can do. I think maybe right now they are relying on his help while the grandfather is alive. I think if he passes, she’d likely be invited to the funeral and it would be very strange if she’s not.

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