(Closed) Husband's Jealous Streak Driving Me Slightly Crazy (longer than I expected)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

Overjoyed : Was he cheated on in the past? Maybe that would make him overly aware of your interactions? It sounds like he’s really insecure or paranoid or both. Either way, he should probably look into some counseling. It’s one thing to get a little jealous if you’re interacting regularly with a male coworker, it’s another thing to be completely delusional and take it out on you. 

Post # 3
Member
5842 posts
Bee Keeper

Honey I feel so worried for you after reading this- it could have been written by me years ago about my ex. He started out EXACTLY as you describe- acting jealous and suspicious, turning up unexpectedly at my work, questioning me when I’d done nothing wrong. And I notice in your post you’ve already started adjusting your own behaviour to try and appease him (even though you weren’t doing anything wrong in the first place) and it’s affecting your friendships with others and your ability to go out socially with your husband. It only got worse, the jealousy, and then controlling behaviour. And I honestly gave him zero reason to be suspicious. He even took a day off work so he could follow me (and when he discovered absolutely nothing, he decided it was because I knew he was following me & changed my plans). I wish I had some advice for you, but all I can say is please watch for signs that this is escalating 🙁

Post # 4
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

Overjoyed :  If this is a new behavior I would suggest looking into the accuser. People get strange when they are the ones doing something wrong.

Post # 5
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

This might not be what you want to hear, but when an ex of mine started acting that way, it’s because HE was cheating on ME and getting ultra paranoid.

Your husband’s behavior sounds insufferable. You shouldn’t have to monitor your social life because of him. I would not go down that route to ‘avoid conflict’ when this is honestly how abusive relationships start. You start interacting with people less and less to avoid setting off your SO, and the next thing you know, you’ve got no one but your jealous husband breathing down your neck, and no support system when you need someone to talk to.

You might want to see a mediator/counselor and discuss with them how to start a conversation about what’s really going on. I don’t have any further advice in that regard; in my case, we fought all the time and eventually I had to quit going to the gym, etc. until I discovered him cheating.

Post # 6
Member
552 posts
Busy bee

This seems very strange to me. Was he jealous like this before you were married too?

I would maybe try to talk to him. Ask him why he is so concerned about these other men who obviously don’t mean anything to you. Maybe also try counseling.

And I guess I want to mention one other thing… Do you have any reason to believe he may be cheating on you? Obviously, I don’t want to concern you if this isn’t the case but I have found several times in past relationships, when my SO couldn’t seem to trust me, it was because they were actually the one doing something behind my back. Especially when the jealousy and trust issues seemed to show up out of the blue rather than always being there. Again, I don’t want to alarm you, but your story seemed similar to stories I had with a couple of past relationships. But who knows? Maybe he is just feeling extra self conscious lately or something.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
4820 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Overjoyed :   Just reading your OP made me want to run screaming out of the room.  What a control freak.   If his lack of trust is new I’d guess he is cheating.  

Post # 10
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Overjoyed :  Oh yikes…I don’t like the sound of this one bit. I would feel smothered if I was getting this treatment and it sounds like you are. Time for a sit down and a firm talk with him about how it’s making you feel. Don’t stop seeing your friends though, for goodness sake xxx

Post # 11
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think that the first step is to sit down and talk about it.  He sounds like a great, even keeled guy otherwise.  It’s easy to think of all the “this could escalate into this crazy stuff” scenarios, and while you should be aware of that –it’s not happened just yet.  Have you told him how it makes you feel?  Have you asked him to stop asking things like that because of how it comes across?

Personally, I don’t have a problem with you distancing from the one guy to make your husband feel better if he’d simply been insecure about that one specific guy for some reason. (maybe I’m more the jealous type but I would also wonder why hubby and a female coworker were whispering together, too, if he didn’t come back and mention what they were talking about.  And I’d probably want to ask about it in the car on the way home – but I also have that right as his wife.  We’re choosing to have everything open between us, so I can ask and he can tell me and doesn’t need to roll his eyes at my moment of insecurity – especially if maybe I was insecure regarding that one coworker).

 But the fact that it wasn’t just that guy he was jealous about is what to me is saying this needs addressed more.  I think you have every right to ask what is giving him reason to doubt you.  Maybe he has certain reasons for wondering if something is going on and you could totally set his mind at ease if you had the chance to explain.

And if not, then if something is going on with him, your conversation and his reactions to it should provide you with a lot more insight.  Bring it up.  Don’t accomodate or ignore it or just roll your eyes and shrug it off.  Address it head on.  If there’s something that can be resolved, then that’s great!  If there’s a bigger issue, you won’t have to just keep putting up with this but can make decisions on how to make it stop.  

 

Post # 12
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Yeah this is pretty intolerable. I’d tell him firmly that he needs to see a counselor about his trust issues, or it will destroy your marriage…. 

Post # 13
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would put my foot down about this and make a big ol stink about it. That sort of behavior is insulting and infuriating. Do not tip toe around to accomidate it- shut it down.

Post # 15
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Overjoyed :  Sounds like you’ve handled this really well!  I don’t know… definitely seems like something is really off though if he just came by your office and tried to “catch you” by asking if “Jack” was in your office even after you’d already told him about all that. 

Maybe try one more “we need to sit and talk about this” conversation.  Tell him if he shuts down tonight and gives you the silent treatment you will have to assume he is actually hoping you’re cheating and wants an excuse to leave you or is trying to drive you away because he isn’t respecting you by trying to talk about it.  Make him realize the stakes are really high and you’ve had enough of it…?

Also, totally random, but if you’re living somewhere he doesn’t speak the language and you are his only companion — could it be that he’s feeling insecure in general?  Maybe he needs to get out and meet people and live some of his life a little more independently from you?  Just to kind of make him not feel so much like he needs to watch your behaviour?  Not sure if that makes sense, but it does sound like something is going on with him even if it doesn’t sound like him cheating is the case.  But it sounds like you’ve addressed this, he hasn’t changed and it came up today again, and now it needs to stop.

I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁 

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