Post # 1
So my husband is a very calm, conservative guy in general. Not controlling and doesn’t insist on his own way. Doesn’t really get mad, and if something should really bother him, he doesn’t yell or otherwise act out. I have very little to complain about regarding his personality at all. But there’s one thing that is driving me up a wall. It’s his jealous streak and lately, I’m seeing it more often.
There’s this particular guy who works in my building in a different department. This coworker and his wife have invited us over a time or two and we always had a nice time. However, after each time, my husband has found something to complain about regarding my interactions with the coworker (i.e. “I saw the two of you whispering over there, what were you talking about that you didn’t want the rest of the group to hear?” or “when I left the room, why did you choose to stay behind with him rather than leaving the room with me?”). Just petty little stuff that I can’t believe he even noticed, let alone found serious enough to scold me about. I am not attracted to this coworker in any way and I am not a natural flirt. I don’t have any reason to believe this happily married coworker is attracted to me. After about the third time of hanging out with them and my husband subsequently interrogating me about what’s going on with me and the coworker, I started intentionally declining their invitations and acting noticeably less friendly toward him. The guy’s cool, but ultimately, he means nothing to me and I have no problem being less friendly with him if it will ease my husband’s unexplicable insecurity. I don’t really like to reward DH’s immature behavior, but I’m a path of least resistance kind of person. Not going to die on that hill, y’know? I thought the issue was over with.
Last weekend, we hung out with one of my female coworkers and her husband and some other folks. To my surprise, Darling Husband pulled me aside during the party to ask about what was going on with me and my colleague’s husband. Answer there: umm, nothing. All I did was nod and smile politely while he talked my ear off about…I don’t even remember.
A moment ago, my husband visited my office since he was in the neighborhood and the male coworker he seems to have a problem with was on my floor (nowhere near my actual office) and the first thing Darling Husband said to me was “what was Jack doing in here?” Even though I was annoyed at the insinuation, I calmly explained that he wasn’t there visiting me, etc. Then he started interrogating me about where I’ve been for the past several minutes, and given his tone and facial expression, it seemed like he was trying to stump me or catch me in a lie. He didn’t yell or anything, but he got all surly and left abruptly. Based on past experience, I already know I’m getting the silent treatment when I get home. I truly hate when he gets like this, but when I try to talk to him about it, he denies that anything is wrong and continues the moodiness. I’ve honestly had about enough of this. Anyone experienced something similar or have any advice for me?
Post # 2
Overjoyed : Was he cheated on in the past? Maybe that would make him overly aware of your interactions? It sounds like he’s really insecure or paranoid or both. Either way, he should probably look into some counseling. It’s one thing to get a little jealous if you’re interacting regularly with a male coworker, it’s another thing to be completely delusional and take it out on you.
Post # 3
Honey I feel so worried for you after reading this- it could have been written by me years ago about my ex. He started out EXACTLY as you describe- acting jealous and suspicious, turning up unexpectedly at my work, questioning me when I’d done nothing wrong. And I notice in your post you’ve already started adjusting your own behaviour to try and appease him (even though you weren’t doing anything wrong in the first place) and it’s affecting your friendships with others and your ability to go out socially with your husband. It only got worse, the jealousy, and then controlling behaviour. And I honestly gave him zero reason to be suspicious. He even took a day off work so he could follow me (and when he discovered absolutely nothing, he decided it was because I knew he was following me & changed my plans). I wish I had some advice for you, but all I can say is please watch for signs that this is escalating 🙁
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
Overjoyed : If this is a new behavior I would suggest looking into the accuser. People get strange when they are the ones doing something wrong.
Post # 5
This might not be what you want to hear, but when an ex of mine started acting that way, it’s because HE was cheating on ME and getting ultra paranoid.
Your husband’s behavior sounds insufferable. You shouldn’t have to monitor your social life because of him. I would not go down that route to ‘avoid conflict’ when this is honestly how abusive relationships start. You start interacting with people less and less to avoid setting off your SO, and the next thing you know, you’ve got no one but your jealous husband breathing down your neck, and no support system when you need someone to talk to.
You might want to see a mediator/counselor and discuss with them how to start a conversation about what’s really going on. I don’t have any further advice in that regard; in my case, we fought all the time and eventually I had to quit going to the gym, etc. until I discovered him cheating.
Post # 6
This seems very strange to me. Was he jealous like this before you were married too?
I would maybe try to talk to him. Ask him why he is so concerned about these other men who obviously don’t mean anything to you. Maybe also try counseling.
And I guess I want to mention one other thing… Do you have any reason to believe he may be cheating on you? Obviously, I don’t want to concern you if this isn’t the case but I have found several times in past relationships, when my SO couldn’t seem to trust me, it was because they were actually the one doing something behind my back. Especially when the jealousy and trust issues seemed to show up out of the blue rather than always being there. Again, I don’t want to alarm you, but your story seemed similar to stories I had with a couple of past relationships. But who knows? Maybe he is just feeling extra self conscious lately or something.
Post # 7
SithLady : I think “delusional” is a pretty good way to describe it. Now that you mention whether he’s been cheated on in the past, I think there may be something there. I’ll think on it some more.
RobbieAndJuliahaha : Thank you for that perspective. Of course, I’m not thinking it will turn into what you describe, but then again I’m sure you didn’t either. I will pay attention to any escalation on that front. A quick note: I invited him to visit me at work since I knew he’d be in the neighborhood, he didn’t (and doesn’t) pop up unexpectedly.
Post # 8
Overjoyed : Just reading your OP made me want to run screaming out of the room. What a control freak. If his lack of trust is new I’d guess he is cheating.
Post # 9
underblueskies1016 : happyhappywife : Olgarie : Not only is it relatively new behavior, but it only shows up when a guy from my own ethnic background is involved. This is why I believe it might be more of an insecurity issue for him rather than jumping straight to accusing the accuser. Perhaps he is worried that I might have more in common with these guys or is worried that I will become attracted to them because that they have something he doesn’t? IDK. We belong to a mostly male congregation and I hug and kiss those guys, invite them over etc and I don’t hear a peep from them and I’m guessing it’s because he doesn’t view them as “competition” or something.
I always noticed that he was fairly territorial and he has acted very “cool” toward all my male friends until he got to know them better, but his behavior was never accusatory toward me until here lately.
I honestly do not believe he is cheating on me. Besides my knowledge of what an upstanding guy he is, I just don’t see when he’d have the opportunity (we’re always together evenings/weekends, doesn’t speak the local language so how would he meet anyone, etc.) I knew that this would come up with my posting a thread like this, but I’m honestly not even willing to go down that path at this time.
Post # 10
Overjoyed : Oh yikes…I don’t like the sound of this one bit. I would feel smothered if I was getting this treatment and it sounds like you are. Time for a sit down and a firm talk with him about how it’s making you feel. Don’t stop seeing your friends though, for goodness sake xxx
Post # 11
I think that the first step is to sit down and talk about it. He sounds like a great, even keeled guy otherwise. It’s easy to think of all the “this could escalate into this crazy stuff” scenarios, and while you should be aware of that –it’s not happened just yet. Have you told him how it makes you feel? Have you asked him to stop asking things like that because of how it comes across?
Personally, I don’t have a problem with you distancing from the one guy to make your husband feel better if he’d simply been insecure about that one specific guy for some reason. (maybe I’m more the jealous type but I would also wonder why hubby and a female coworker were whispering together, too, if he didn’t come back and mention what they were talking about. And I’d probably want to ask about it in the car on the way home – but I also have that right as his wife. We’re choosing to have everything open between us, so I can ask and he can tell me and doesn’t need to roll his eyes at my moment of insecurity – especially if maybe I was insecure regarding that one coworker).
But the fact that it wasn’t just that guy he was jealous about is what to me is saying this needs addressed more. I think you have every right to ask what is giving him reason to doubt you. Maybe he has certain reasons for wondering if something is going on and you could totally set his mind at ease if you had the chance to explain.
And if not, then if something is going on with him, your conversation and his reactions to it should provide you with a lot more insight. Bring it up. Don’t accomodate or ignore it or just roll your eyes and shrug it off. Address it head on. If there’s something that can be resolved, then that’s great! If there’s a bigger issue, you won’t have to just keep putting up with this but can make decisions on how to make it stop.
Post # 12
Yeah this is pretty intolerable. I’d tell him firmly that he needs to see a counselor about his trust issues, or it will destroy your marriage….
Post # 13
I would put my foot down about this and make a big ol stink about it. That sort of behavior is insulting and infuriating. Do not tip toe around to accomidate it- shut it down.
Post # 14
deedee2016 : I’ve spoken with him about it one time. He had asked me how Jack was doing and I said I honestly didn’t know because I no longer talk to Jack. I explained that it was because everytime we are around Jack he seems to become suspicious of me and suddenly become hypersensitive about our interactions. Of course, he denied knowing what I was talking about. I gave him a few examples (the whole “whispering in the corner” scenario which I assure you, never even happened) and I told him that I don’t like being accused. I also told him that I’m not sure why he’s like that with Jack and only Jack, but that I can tell that my hanging out with Jack makes Darling Husband uncomfortable and since I value his comfort much more than I value my casual hi/bye relationship with Jack, I’m taking it upon myself to limit my interactions with him. At that point, he stopped denying having a problem with Jack and seemed satisfied. That’s why I thought the issue was over.
Last weekend, after we left that dinner party with the other coworker, I did speak to him about how I didn’t appreciate him pulling me to the side and scolding me, but I didn’t specifically mention his apparent jealousy. In that case, he heard me out, was quite apologetic for having made me feel uncomfortable and promised not to do it again.
Post # 15
Overjoyed : Sounds like you’ve handled this really well! I don’t know… definitely seems like something is really off though if he just came by your office and tried to “catch you” by asking if “Jack” was in your office even after you’d already told him about all that.
Maybe try one more “we need to sit and talk about this” conversation. Tell him if he shuts down tonight and gives you the silent treatment you will have to assume he is actually hoping you’re cheating and wants an excuse to leave you or is trying to drive you away because he isn’t respecting you by trying to talk about it. Make him realize the stakes are really high and you’ve had enough of it…?
Also, totally random, but if you’re living somewhere he doesn’t speak the language and you are his only companion — could it be that he’s feeling insecure in general? Maybe he needs to get out and meet people and live some of his life a little more independently from you? Just to kind of make him not feel so much like he needs to watch your behaviour? Not sure if that makes sense, but it does sound like something is going on with him even if it doesn’t sound like him cheating is the case. But it sounds like you’ve addressed this, he hasn’t changed and it came up today again, and now it needs to stop.
I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁