(Closed) Husband's Jealous Streak Driving Me Slightly Crazy (longer than I expected)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Overjoyed :  If this is out of character and he just started doing this- that is very suspect and usually is the result of a guilty conscience.

Post # 18
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Dear bees who automatically project – jealousy and cheating don’t go hand in hand. I don’t know why him caving into his insecurities is some form of “cheating” flag. Here are my two cents: you should not stop yourself from the types of social interactions you want to have as long as of course they don’t cross a line and as long as you keep your relationship protected. You should also sit down and have an honest talk with your husband. This is something he needs to realize he has to work on. Reassure him you love him and you’d never do that but explain how the way he thinks and acts now is counterintuitive to keeping a happy relationship.  Do some work together. He most likely knows he has internal issues – be there for him as he tackles them. Just because he promised not to do it again doesn’t think it will. Not because he’s “cheating” or a “bad husband” but because he is insecure and needs to work on that because those insecurities don’t just magically disappear. Good luck

Post # 19
10078 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Olgarie :  Totally agree with this. People act weird when they are guilty.

Post # 21
5842 posts
Bee Keeper

Overjoyed :  A bit relieved after reading your updates that this sounds more circumstantial than a sign of escalating controlling behaviour…..it’s still not okay, definitely something you need to address with him, but I think the additional issues you bring up (him not being happy with your move, not becoming fluent in the language you both studied) speaks to this being an issue of insecurity with him.

He’s perhaps feeling dejected and down on himself  by comparing your mastery of things (career, language, adapting) to his own less than stellar attempts and this blow to his self esteem is causing him to look at those you interact with jealousy, as in she deserves better than me- oh look, there’s a successful looking dude talking work stuff to her right now It’s especially telling that he’s not exhibiting this jealousy to others, only to those he sees having something in common with you that he doesn’t, whether it’s your job or your culture etc. YOU may still see him as the great guy you married, but that’s not how he’s seeing himself right now and it sounds like he’s projecting this disappointment in himself onto you and worrying you’ll be disappointed in him and someone more suitable will catch your eye. 

I think you’ll have your answer once you move- whether this new behaviour of his follows you guys there or if it resolves itself once you’ve relocated. I would still call him on his behaviour if he starts talking shit about you whispering with co-workers etc or acting like you dragged him there when it was a mutual decision, but I’d hold off on the come-to-Jesus ‘you need therapy’ talk until after you’ve relocated and see if he’s still acting this way. 

FWIW it doesn’t sound like he’s cheating in my opinion – jealousy and infidelity don’t always go hand in hand

Post # 22
2098 posts
Buzzing bee

Overjoyed :  FWIW, I don’t think he is cheating. I do agree with a PP, that it is more likely insecurity festering and rearing it’s ugly head. 

And hey, insecurity can creep into even the most time tested relationships out there. I can attest to never being a jealous girlfriend, always being very open and trusting of people I dated. With my current SO, we’d been together for a while and one day I literally just woke up and it was like a flip switched. I became extremely insecure, and it was driving me nuts. I hid it from SO, because I knew that the root of my insecurity wasn’t in anything he had done, but was how I was digesting information and the surroundings.

In my/our case, it was more a matter of “holy shit, I’m dating this incredible man who is 1,000x better than me and way out of my league. AND him and his ex-wife are now on friendly terms co-parenting and he is going to be dropping off/picking up his kid and slip and fall and end up in his ex’s bed completely naked!!!!” Obviously, it was totally unfounded and SO was mortified and very reassuring that would NOT be happening. But for a minute there, I was admittedly a crazy bitch.

All that to say, sometimes when we get in our heads it manifests itself in weird ways. Maybe he IS just jealous, or maybe he is secretly worried you’ll find and make a better connection with these men. Maybe he feels bad he didn’t learn the language as well as you picked it up and is resentful that it means you have “more options”, leading him to feel “stuck”. I’d approach it not as ” hey asshole, stop being jealous” and more of, “what is the REAL cause of this behavior change? Are you happy here? Did we make the right move as a couple?” and see where that gets you.

Post # 23
54 posts
Worker bee

Counselling! Counselling, counselling, counselling. Directly address his behavior, tell him it’s unacceptable, and you feel like he doesn’t trust you. Ask him why the uptick his jealousy – it does not mean he’s cheating! Insecurity can arise for a lot of reasons! If he doesn’t own up to his attitude and admit the reasoning behind it, counselling.

Post # 24
363 posts
Helper bee

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  +1000

OP, he sounds jealous and controlling and you’re starting to give in to it bc behaving normally “isn’t worth it” due to his ridiculous reactions. The ex I had who did this to me turned out to be not only obsessive, controlling, and emotionally abusive, but I found out after that HE was cheating on ME nearly the whole time (which I never would have guessed). He eventually did not want me working w men (whether straight, married, or gay) or being friends w any or even saying any man’s name in his presence or looking at any man in the eye. It sounds like your husband is headed to this nonsensical place. I’d guess that he’s going to keep having problems w nearly any male coworker of yours that he meets. He’ll interrogate you about them and try to make you feel you should never see them in work or outside of work. It’s irrational. My new guy fully trusts me and gives me the benefit of the doubt when I tell him anything. The saved energy and time is priceless.

If someone is insisting on unreasonable behavior and expectations, do not give in. Instead, behave normally and continue all reasonable and appropriate interactions. Decline to discuss at all anything that isn’t questionable and insist that, if the other person is being obsessive, it is their issue to discuss and resolve in individual counseling. You probably don’t do this w your husband bc you feel you “can’t” or you’re scared of his reaction. Do not get bullied into obsessive conversations or a controlling relationship. He will likely explode and bring his control issues to the surface. If that happens, see it for what it is. Please look up domestic violence, emotional abuse, and signs/red flags of controlling and obsessive behavior.

ETA: it sounds like you’re getting into a cycle. He meets or sees a male coworker, becomes delusional and accusatory, you cut interaction and/or explain, he denies or apologizes or says it’s done and he’s satisfied, then it all happens again once he meets a new male coworker or sees one again. Whether this is due to insecurity, controlling tendencies, or him being more suspicious due to him cheating doesn’t change much how you handle it. Tell him enough is enough and to deal w these issues. If he doesn’t stop this, I personally couldn’t deal w it or stay. (I am not saying that I know which of those is-are the cause, but insecurity and controlling behaviors are also pretty linked.)

Post # 27
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Overjoyed : An upstanding guy wouldn’t accuse you of cheating on him for no reason (more than once), make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him, and give you the silent treatment. His behavior is not ok.

Post # 28
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: LA Athletic Club

I dated a guy when I was in my early 20’s who was 10 years older than me. He would question every little thing I did. If I went to a baseball game with my brothers he would send me a ton of messages to send a picture to prove I was with my brothers. He constantly accused me of talking to other guys and cheating (I’ve never cheated in any relationship.) Long story short I eventually left him and had to get a restraining order. He was a lawyer so of course tried to fight it, but it only made him look more mentally unstable. It also turned out he was probably cheating on me (for his own insecure issues.) As a clinician, I would reccomend going to couples counseling and having him see a therapist on his own.

Post # 29
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Overjoyed :  Does he have a job? I can imagine this whole “move for his wife’s job” thing would be hard for many men, due to cultural expectations. (But that doesn’t excuse his behaviour)

Post # 30
6724 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Overjoyed :  Okay so we know he’s out of line, the ladies have touched on that pretty thoroughly.  I think at this stage, working through it is the right thing to do.  

That means not changing your plans to pander to his jealousy – this issue is not over just because you don’t talk to “jack” anymore.  There will always be another “jack” around the corner.  

It means he sees a counselor with or without you to figure out what’s up in his own mind and work it out instead of projecting his problems onto you.

And here’s a thing you mentioned that it’s pretty easy to pass over – you said he doesn’t know the local language. He must feel so left out sometimes!  So up in the air with life – how do you get hobbies, friends of your own, or even feel comfortable in your environment if you’re so limited in who you can speak to?  I really think you should recommend he start taking language courses to help remove that barrier in his life.  It could make all the difference in the world.

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