Post # 31
Overjoyed : I would be extraordinarily annoyed in your position. I’ve noticed that when I speak the words that my husband seems to feel too vulnerable to say, it removes some of the taboo and then he becomes more willing and able to say them. So if he were to pull me aside during a party and ask me a fake nonchalant question about what so and so and I were talking about I’d use the words that you said “You mean to say ‘Honey I saw you speaking with so and so and it made me feel a little jealous and I was so uncomfortable with the feeling that I needed to come interrupt your conversation to soothe myself.’ is that what you meant to say?” And see what he says or does.
If he’s not being threatening (only annoyingly insecure) then I think that you could interject some lightness into the moment so he can see that he’s being pretty foolish.
Actually, very foolish.
It happens, though, and trying to play it smooth and stuff the feelings can make things harder. I tend to think that acknowledging it helps clear the air. My husband and I were at the gym together a few weeks ago and a very pretty woman (that I know looks like his “type”) walked in. I noticed her, I saw him notice her and I saw her notice us. I said, “Aw man, I don’t want you to see her and think she’s pretty. That bums me out.” And he laughed and gave me a kiss and I laughed and felt lighter for acknowledging it. She was gorgeous. I felt insecure about it in the moment. I mentioned it and we moved on.
Does your husband’s silent treatment take the form of ignoring you when you speak to him or is it more just him being quiet and a bit disengaged? If he’s just being to himself- I’d let him work through his feelings and leave him alone for a bit. If he’s blatantly ignoring you then he might need to get called out about how he’s dealing with the situation.
Post # 32
TwilightRarity : I have never tried the method you suggest, but I don’t expect it would go well at all. When I say “silent treatment” he’s not blatantly ignoring me, but acting surly, not making eye contact when I’m trying to get his attention, giving me abrupt one word answers to questions that require more than that, disappearing into his man cave for hours on end. Tonight I went into his man cave to try and talk with him. He wouldn’t look at me, didn’t react to anything I said, had a scowl the entire time. That kind of thing. I asked him if anything was wrong and if he was ok. He said yes. I told him that I feel he’s been a little distant this evening (understatement of the year) and he said he didn’t agree. I asked if he thought he had behaved in a kind, loving way toward me over the past several hours and he said yes. And we both know he’s been actively ignoring me. I told him that if something is going on with him, I’m here if he wants to talk. And if he doesn’t want to talk, I’m willing to give him some space but that it’s hard not take it personal when someone is being unkind to you and not giving any clues as to the reason. He admitted that something is up but that he doesn’t feel like talking about it. But then he immediately changed his story and claimed that his behavior is due to a stomach ache. I shared some more of my feelings and he just sat there. Never even looked up at me. I told him I hope he feels better and left the room. IDK. I’m completely exhausted.
Post # 33
skunktastic : He did not apply himself to the language class he enrolled in. We took separately classes specifically so as not be a distraction to each other. When the class didn’t work out, I got him Rosetta Stone. My job even offers free tutoring for spouses and he refuses to take it. He now claims that he’s not a “language person,” whatever that means.He’s really dug his heels in about this and I’m not sure why.
Post # 34
ValAsInVal : thank you for contributing. He has never accused me of cheating. I explained in very detailed terms what types of things he has actually said. I agree that his behavior is not ok, but I have not maligned his character one time in this thread and would thank you to refrain from it also.
Post # 35
Overjoyed : That’s hard because then there’s nothing you can do and at some point your kindness and patience will run out. I hope he comes around to being able to talk it through before your move.
Post # 36
Perhaps the fact that you are thriving in this new environment, while he is not, is leaving him insecure about himself and what he can offer in the relationship. And it’s easier for him to blame you for his feelings than own up to his failure. Also the fact that he can’t catch you being unfaithful is probably making himself feel more shameful for accusing you in the first place… And like most people perhaps he can’t swallow his feelings and push his guilt and blame onto you.
Personally, I think you are too soft on him. If it was the first time, that’s fine as long as he recognize this is his own insecurities and that he needs to learn how to deal with them. But it seems like it’s escalating worse since he doesn’t seem to acknowledge your efforts and accusing you for something just because you weren’t where he expected you to be and Jack happens to work on the same floor.
At this point I wouldn’t treat him as delicate and start demanding him to explain himself. Nothing can be solved if he can’t discuss his feelings with you. And it doesn’t seem like he will if you wait for him to feel ready to open up.
Post # 37
- Wedding: September 2017 - Mississauga Convention Centre
My fiancee is extremely jealous. Just reassure him that you will always be there for him and that you will never do anything to hurt him.
Post # 38
“upstanding” guys don’t treat their wives like this. And he was happy with the whole Jack thing because he got his way.
You both need counseling or something because continueing to live this is insane. And will escalate…showing up at your workplace and storming out should be a massive red flag to you. I would be so embarrassed and angry if my Darling Husband did that to me.
Post # 39
Overjoyed : First- I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If I remember correctly, in your previous relationship there were some control issues, so I imagine you’re especially sensitive to this. It’s hard when you have a great guy and a great relationship- except for one glaring and honestly pretty weird thing.
Having read all your comments, I think this has way more to do with him feeling uncomfortable and out of place in your new location than anything else. You are meeting people and speaking with them in a language he isn’t totally comfortable with. You are settled when he doesn’t feel so. Even if it’s totally insane, I can see how he might let his mind spiral. You’re happy here. You like these people. They are comfortable here. You are eventually going to leave me and embrace life here!!!
Do you guys have a pastor back home who might be willing to skype with you? I had friends who did marital counseling that way when they were far from home. I think he just needs to voice his real fears so he can hear how crazy they are.
Post # 40
Giving the Silent treatment or whatever you want to call it to your spouse is immature and counterproductive. He’s trying to teach you a lesson like you are a kid. If he has an issue with himself or with let’s say your behavior with other men, for argument’s sake, he should discuss it with you. Whenever he comes around, you need to have a firm talk with him and set him straight. Whatever issues he has, he should not be projecting them onto you. His behavior at the office could cost you your job one day I’d it gets out of hand.
Post # 41
1. Stop rewarding bad behavior. You should not go out of your way to ease the unfounded paranoid behavior of your man. My ex was just like this and yes he was cheating. Apart from a mental disorder (hopefully that is not the issue here), while he doesn’t have to be cheating, where there is smoke, there is fire. By that I mean, this also could be something he thinks he would do or would want to do in your position and he is projecting this onto you. I used to get accused all the time so I know how that ‘walking on eggshells when you did nothing wrong’ feeling goes. Frankly it sucks and it is something I damn sure would never put up with now.
The silent treatment as a response? Also not okay and it is a way to passively agressively punish you. If I were you, I would insist on him seeing a professional because you can’t deal with an illogical person logically. It is not just a matter of explaining to him that you have no interest in other men, but it sounds as if it’s so much deeper for him.
Post # 42
Olgarie : I hate to say it but I agree with this. My ex would always accuse and question me for no reason, and I came to find out it was because HE was the guilty one. It’s almost like he thought “Hm.. If I can be doing this, then she could be too.”
It could also be that maybe he has been lied to/cheated on in the past and is just having some insecurity issues. I hope you find a way to nip this is the bud, since trust is SO important in a relationship!
Best of luck to you!
Post # 43
I can’t imagine marrying a man who would treat me the way you describe in your updates. I understand he wasn’t this way when you married him, that it’s new behavior, but… I would take this sort of behavior VERY seriously and demand it stop and we work on it together. Because if he wasn’t that way when you married him, you didn’t sign up for him to turn into Mr. Hyde.
What he’s doing is shutting you out, stonewalling you, and there’s nothing YOU can do when your partner decides to shut down communication. He’s having ego issues that he doesn’t want you privy to, so he needs to go to a therapist.
I would absolutely not enable this behavior or coddle him. Every time he started giving me the silent treatment, I would leave the house and do something enriching for myself. Not to “get back” at him, but to take away his power over my emotional state.
I feel so sick for the situation you’re in – he’s being incredibly cruel to you, pinning you between a rock and a hard place.