(Closed) Husbands money issues bubbling back up-very worried…very worried

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I’m sending hugs your way. Would he agree to let you take over all financial management (e.g. set a budget together and then you manage the bills and he only has access to one account with a set amount of spending money)? It’s not ideal, but if he can’t be responsible, then someone has to be. Would he be willing to take over some other household responsibility as a trade for you taking over the finances? You shouldn;t have to carry it all on your shoulders.

Post # 4
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so very sorry you are going through this. 

Perhaps you were under the assumption that things were OK while dating?  That they would get better maybe?  That he was hopefully telling the truth?

How would he feel if you took over every single aspect of the finances?  Would he relinquish control to you? Or are you doing this already?

I have to what-pay all his bills, monitor all his credit cards, do everything…clean the house, take care of business development for our work and what else?

Is the biggest problem that he is keeping secrets or not sharing info with you?  If that is the case, I think this book may shed some light on your situation.  It goes over money secrets.

When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal

http://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Lover-Liar-Deception/dp/0060931159

 

Honey, I married a man-child the first time around.  Life is not easy or pleasant with a man-child, and he was a selfproclaimed man-child at that.  It sucks.  They really don’t change.  It’s all about who we choose as life partners.  I thought I could “help” him.  HA!

 

Have you considered counseling for yourself?  To learn how to handle this differently so that it’s not bringing you down so much?

Post # 5
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

I remember your post from before the wedding on this issue and it’s sad it didn’t get straightened out before you became legally attached to his debt. 

Post # 6
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Why would he purposely want his car to get repo’d? Just because he’s “upside down” and owes more than it’s worth is no excuse, unfortunately it happens to a lot of people. There are other ways of dealing with it. Are you having financial problems? Owe more than you make?

He’s financially immature and unless he gets a handle on it your financial future isn’t looking good. He can either step up to the plate and take control or you’ll have to add it to the long list of everything else.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this but this is serious. I know for various reasons people can get behind, get dings on their credit report or even file bankruptsy and are able to recover and build back their credit.

Post # 7
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

Great! I now have to admit to myself I have a man-child….

but….

I am a “woman-child” so I guess it all evens out? Cool

Post # 8
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@happyface LOL! +1

But I feel her pain, I am more responsible than SO and he is a procrastinator by nature. However, he seems to take care of important stuff like paying his bills on time and not having crazy debt, but still stuff to think about here…

Post # 9
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Ill Be Mrs B:  Yeah and I’m pretty sure if you are upside down and the car gets repo’d you are still on the hook for the difference if the car isn’t worth what the outstanding amount is. I think – Repossession is not and easy solution to this issue.

Post # 10
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I echo all of the PP – you need to sit down with him, meet with a financial counselor and figure this stuff out. Also, he needs to share things with you – you finding out by accidnet that he is about to get his car repossessed is really not cool. Omission of this information to your wife is just as bad as lying.

Post # 12
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@fivemonthsnotice:  I am so so sorry you are going through this. I think counseling might help you atleast deal with some of your feelings, because obviously this is an incredibly stressful situation, and it seems you are doubting the trust you have between you and your husband. I also think you should explore couples counseling. I know it might seem like a bad time to do it because you are having financial issues, but it seems like you two need a neutral space to communicate about it, and for you to explain why his actions are bothering you so much. (That one might seem obvious to you- and all of us- but we can’t assume it is to him!)

This is not an excuse for his behavior, but do you have any idea what his parents were like with financial management? Perhaps this is behavior he grew up with, and doesn’t think there is anything unusual about it?

Unfortunately, people have issues. This is a major one. However, he seems to have some great qualities, so I urge you to try to work through this with him. I sincerely hope after he hears the affect it has had on you, that he will change his ways, and become a better person for it.

Please keep us updated. I am sending good thoughts your way.

 

Post # 13
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@fivemonthsnotice:  i’m sorry that he didn’t get his crap together like he said he did.  the part that would be the most disturbing is that he lied to you about it.

i know that men aren’t always the best when it comes to keeping their finances in line.  they can be like big children. seriously, i knew guys that would go out and buy $1000’s of clothes just to go out for the weekend instead of paying their rent.  ?????

you are married now so this is the deal you got dealt. 

personally, i would take the financial reigns on everything in the household and the business and get them all back on track.  it may take a while.  i would not give him access to anything without your approval. 

sorry, it sounds very harsh and a lot of work on your part but desperate times call for desperate measures.  you cannot sit back and contine to allow this to happen.  it will ruin his credit and potentially your credit and ruin your business.

you love your husband so take charge of everything, get it on track, set up a budget for everything and then teach your husband how to manage the money.  once he has proven that he can manage, then you can release the reigns.

take control of this now.

Post # 15
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Can he call the car loan company and ask to defer a payment or so. I remember doing this a couple times when I was married to my 1st husband. The current payment was added to the end of the loan and even though there was a small fee for doing this. We were struggling at the time and for what ever reason we were strapped for cash it saved us a few hundred dollars. It may be to late if your husband is several payments behind but there might be another solution if you’re willing to work with the loan company.

Post # 16
Member
7686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Under the right circumstances, this could just be another area of dividing up “chores” based on strengths and weaknesses. If financial responsibility is a strength for you and a weakness for him, you could take it on as part of your contribution to the household. Then you two figure out an area that’s roughly equal in time or effort that would use one of his strengths. For example, the cars seem like a pretty big deal — will he accept responsibility for maintenance and upkeep on both of them in exchange for you monitoring the budget, balancing the checkbook, etc? Or if that’s not equal, just come up with something(s) that are. It’s just like “he cooks, she does laundry” or “she sweeps the hardwood, he vacuums the carpets.”

In order for this to work though, he has to agree that you’re in charge of the money, and he has to agree to — and then stick with — some sacrifices.  He can’t be overspending, and especially can’t be hiding things from you. If the issue isn’t really that HE doesn’t want to manage the money, but rather that he doesn’t want ANYONE to manage it — he just wants to spend it — then this isn’t likely to help. Also, if you hate dealing with money and just seriously don’t want this as your chore, that could also make it hard to work. … But if you’re both ok with it, it could save a LOT of arguing and calls from bill collectors.  Good luck!

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