Husband's violent behavior

posted 11 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

Okay let’s play devils advocate here… say you don’t leave. You go home and pretend this never happened. Right? Okay, so let’s even say that your husband eventually realizes he’s done wrong and apologizes. What happens next time? What about if you guys have children? What if he has a little too much to drink and you say something that annoys him? You don’t know what’s going to cause his violent outbursts. You don’t know what’s going to set him off. You said it yourself, he promised not to do it again and he already broke that promise. You also said it yourself, you didn’t think he would get that mad because the argument wasn’t even that bad. What happens if it’s bad and nobody knows? What happens if he doesn’t stop at a shove next time and nobody knows what happened to you? Do you really want to take that risk?

 

Post # 32
Member
3192 posts
Sugar bee

It doesn’t surprise me based on your last post about him. There were tons of red flags.

You need to tell your mom what happened, and get help for a restraining order and filing for divorce. As I said to you last time, GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!

Post # 33
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Please tell everyone and don’t be ashamed. My first husband hit me, the second time he hit me, I moved out to my mums. I never told anybody what happened. I always regretted not saying anything because I was worried I would make him look bad. Get it out in the open. Your family will support you.

Post # 34
Member
10721 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@blossoming87:  

Quite apart from your awful advice to go to couples counselling, can l beg you to stop using the patronising term ‘dear’ to strangers,  indeed  to anyone except perhaps a child. And l don’t care if it common in your circles , it is as patronising as hell to many people. You are not Lady Bountiful, you are just another person. 

Post # 35
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

As a former police officer who also grew up with a mother whose two first husbands abused her, LEAVE HIM. Stay away from him. Forever. Do not allow any further contact, verbal or otherwise.

Abusers do not stop. I promise. I would bet my salary he will strike you again. It starts with small things and escalates fast. It sounds like your husband started early and started strong with this behavior, there wasn’t even a gradual escalation of abuse. You are in VERY REAL DANGER, bee. This is not a game you want to play. Get out.

Trust the police to help you here. I took domestic violence very seriously and pursued those cases relentlessly. Many, many cops feel the same way. They’re your ally. Get the police involved, go to every court summons and hold your head up high because you’re a fucking survivor of domestic abuse, not a victim. Tell yourself that every single day. Be strong and know your value. Your life is more important than vows you made to someone who doesn’t deserve them and is breaking them himself. My husband and I are not religious and wrote our own, but as I understand it, “to love and to cherish” is usually part of the traditional vows. Your husband is doing neither. Fuck him and those vows, bee. Run away and never look back.

Post # 36
Member
931 posts
Busy bee

I’m very sorry this has happened to you. Please tell yourself that you married your husband on the inclination that he would be a healthier person and would not lay another hand on you. *he* has broken that promise, *he* has driven a wedge between you. That is all on him. This is not your doing. When you announced your vows, you meant them, *he* has broken them. That is on him. Please stay safe and when you’re ready, open up to your loved ones you feel confident confiding in, and also seek professional help to help sort your emotions. Best of luck bee.

Post # 37
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I know leaving feels impossible. I know it seems like it would be easier to go back and pretend that nothing happened because that’s something you can control. But I also know from your descriptions that this man does not see you as a person.

He sees your actions as manipulative because deep down he thinks that anything that doesn’t result in him getting what he wants is wrong. He does this because he genuinely believes it’s okay. Somebody along the way taught him that he deserves anything he wants exactly the way he wants it. He sees you as beneath him, and because of that, any time you are not exactly perfect, he will get you in line any way he can. He’s always wrong to do this, but if he’s progressed to physical intimidation, it means that he’s beyond the point of ever believing that you are anything more than a possession, and he’ll do worse if you ever go back, because you leaving was an act of agency.
You have control in this situation, and if you go back, he’ll make sure you never feel like you have any control again. You deserve to be safe, and the people who love you can help you be safe. 

Post # 38
Member
8031 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If you go back to him it will not get better, it will only get worse. Because he will know you will put up with it. Why would he stop when he knows you’ll come back? Leave and don’t go back- you won’t regret it.

Post # 39
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

How are you, OP? Just waiting on an update. 

Post # 40
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ THIS BEE.

I left my husband of 3 years (together for 6.5) on Friday, finally, after six and a half years of going what you’re going through. I would always try and tell myself he would change, we could work on things. On Friday, I had finally had enough, I took my son and I told my husband I want a divorce. He was the EXACT same way your husband is. Violent, manipulative… and tried to tell me that HE wanted a divorce too, that he was tired of me always telling him what he was “doing wrong”. You cannot change a person who is like that. I invested six years thinking that I could, countless trips to therapy with him. Please, please do not go back.

I’m currently staying with my brother and his fiancé, in a tiny bedroom in their basement, with my toddler and all of our things. It’s the long weekend, I haven’t had a chance to speak with a lawyer, and honestly, I’m terrified. I’m absolutely terrified of what the future will hold but I swear on my life, leaving that house and knowing that I am officially DONE — and  telling people about it — was the hardest part. There is no looking back. I finally am free of being controlled by an abuser. I’m sure he will find other ways of “control”, since we have a child together… so please, please stay at your mom’s now and do not go back to that relationship. Break it off while it is easy and you can make a clean break. 

YOU ALREADY DID THE HARDEST PART. LEAVING! 
you do not deserve this. You cannot change this man. It is not your responsibility and you deserve love and care.

Post # 41
Member
404 posts
Helper bee

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@brittnamrogo:  Wow… I feel like I’ve read several posts from you and I don’t think I’ve known that you were dealing with that. Maybe you’ve not expressed it and it’s been a private situation? 
Either way, I just want to say, congratulations on making that decision. It must be so hard to live in that truth but I’m so glad you’ve made that decision for yourself and your son. There is so much better out there for you. You’ll have scary and weak moments but stay strong! You seem like a fighter and I wish you the best!

OP, you can do it too!

Post # 42
Member
8027 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@brittnamrogo:  Hugs and best wishes for a bright and happy future now that you have made the courageous step to leave. 

Post # 43
Member
8027 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@Viviana2:  Tell your mother and your siblings ASAP. You have nothing to be ashamed of, the shame is his. Anybody who would want you to stay in an abusive relationship is wrong. You know you cannot stay with him–the next time he could kill you. If you were to have children with him he would eventually treat them this way too. Surround yourself with people who will support you in leaving this monster. You can do it, Bee. 

Post # 44
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m so sorry, but this is such an unsafe situation for you. I gasped when I read about how he hit you the first time…and you didn’t leave??  Did you really think he would never be voilent towards you again?  That is a huge red flag in any relationship and it can only get worse if you stay. Once someone has put their hands on you, they will do it again because it becomes easier and easier as time goes on if you don’t resist or leave.  I really wish you didn’t have to come home to someone like that or live in a situation where you’re constantly wondering when the axe will fall next and he’ll do/say something crazy out of anger to you.  That is very, very stressful and so unhealthy to live in.  Your title says it all:  Husband’s Violent Behavior.  Violent.  No one deserves to be around that!  You deserve more and you deserve to be happy, safe, healthy, and not afraid of your partner/marriage.  Even if you love your husband, he is not a good person.  He is manipulative and unreasonable – you can’t change him and he won’t change.  I hope you don’t put yourself through a lifetime of this.  As others have suggested, you should leave and stay with close family or friends and try to open yourself to letting others know what is happening so they can help you.

Post # 45
Member
2710 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@Viviana2:  Do not go back. Do not forgive. Contact a domestic abuse hotline and get professional advice about leaving this marriage safely. Do NOT listen to 
View original reply
@blossoming87:  who has just given the worst advice I’ve ever seen on the bee. This could get you killed. Do you want a life for the next 24 years where you are abused and abused back and traumatize your kids? 

Are you in the US? UK? Canada? AUS? There are many many rescourse out there that bees can point you towards to get out safely. No therapy as a couple. No reconciliation based on religion or vows. This is your life. 

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